Coping with new situations

If you are caring for a relative with serious health problems, you are probably in unfamiliar territory. For most of us, the shaky feelings of uncertainty are very unpleasant. We feel vulnerable outside our comfort zone. We worry we will do something wrong.?

According to noted researcher Dr. Brené Brown, to protect ourselves we often turn to three strategies:

• Perfectionism. Believing that if we work hard enough, we can get it right.
• Future casting. Thinking about all the possibilities and things that could go wrong.
• Numbing. Pushing our feelings down and aside.

Although these strategies might help short circuit the discomfort of vulnerability, Dr. Brown warns that they also rob our lives of meaning. When we are vulnerable, we are emotionally exposed. This type of openness is frequently the springboard to life's most meaningful moments: Changing careers, falling in love. In the context of family caregiving, it might be starting a difficult family conversation or caring for a relative in their last few weeks of life.

It is when we take risks and navigate terrain outside our comfort zone that we experience courage, growth, creativity, joy, and self-esteem.

Here are tips for embracing vulnerability as a family caregiver and getting to the other side:

• When you feel shaky inside, pause, take a breath. Consciously remind yourself that none of us is perfect. You are not alone. We are all worthy. All you can realistically ask of yourself is to show up and do your best.
• Consider feelings of uncertainty as an opportunity rather than a threat. Think of one step you can take. Something that feels a bit risky but not overwhelming. Maybe ask a question or ask for help. Or allow something to be done "well enough" rather than strive for perfection.
• Give yourself mental accolades when you have faced your fear. Many caregivers, in hindsight, take pride in the ways they had to grow to meet the challenges of caregiving. It takes courage to be open to change. Let it sink in that you have this capacity. And then take your next risk!

Are you caring for someone who is seriously ill?

That can be challenging indeed. You don't have to do it alone. As the Monroe County and Ontario County experts in family caregiving, this is very familiar territory for us. We at Aging Well Rochester can walk beside you with education and support for those areas that feel daunting. Give us a call 585-271-0400.