Coping with Isolation and Distancing Without Going Crazy - Part 1 of 2

Recommendations for All of Us

New guidelines as a result of the COVID-19 global pandemic are challenging everyone to change their habits and behaviors. Everything has changed yet some are in denial and others are just waking up to an even more uncertain future.

In this article I want to create a few distinctions and pass along ways that you can diminish anxiety and stress and take advantage of what I call retreat and others call isolation.

A major concern about self-isolation and social distancing is the ability to stay in one place (confined) and the assumption is that this will make it even more difficult to connect to one another.

First, I believe that social distancing is a misnomer. 

I believe it’s physical distancing but not social distancing. We are asked to remove our physical presence from others. That does not mean that we can’t socialize with one another and continue to build connection. 

A great example of that is the video of Italians singing from their balconies in solidarity. (Puccini’s aria gave me chills!) Would this have happened B.C.? (Before Coronavirus)

Our socializing will be different and, in some cases, difficult for extroverts who are used to being out and about with many people and for individuals who are not comfortable with technology.

But let’s check in on your reality for a moment.

Let me ask you, how long has it been since you talked to your best friend in college? When was the last time you saw your mentor from earlier in your career? How many times do you actually TALK or visit your parents who live in another state — or country?

These are relationships, the stuff of deeper and more valuable connection. This matters yet in the past we are all guilty of not making enough time for our relationships.

People are focused on activities and behaviors of interaction, not relationships. They are still focusing on getting things done. Can I go to the supermarket? Will I be able to attend class? How will I get to my office to work?

This is the big shift that awaits us on the other side of this event. Relationships matter because we are social creatures. Perhaps we have been too focused on productivity and could use a focus on connection and relationships regardless of physical presence.

How can we learn to BE and BE with one another in ways that value our diversity and collective intelligence versus creating relationships from a mutual benefit to DO or produce a result or something tangible? This doing, doing, doing created a pace of life that is difficult if not unsustainable.

And now that very same way of behaving is what could kill us.

There is a universal message in all of this, I’m sure. Maybe we were headed in the wrong direction on our path of human evolution and this global event allows us to recalibrate towards living more meaningful, fulfilling lives that value deeper connections over politics, productivity and busyness?

Maybe it was actually impossible to evolve collectively, globally, when we isolated ourselves with labels of nationality, gender, language, race, etc. not noticing how interconnected we are? Aware that we are at some level much more like each other than different from one another. Understanding that we need each other on many levels to evolve.

Alone or Lonely?

There is an epidemic of loneliness. We have not learned to be WITH ourselves instead of BY ourselves. It’s uncomfortable for many people. We have designed our lives for constant stimulation and interaction and have not created the important space for silence or solitude.

Aspen Ideas from the Aspen Institute writes:

The crisis of loneliness poses as grave a threat to public health as obesity or substance abuse. It cuts across generations and reaches around the world. Katie Hafner calls it “a quiet devastation” and the poet Emily Dickenson writes that it is “the horror not to be surveyed.” Millions of people live with sparse human contact and research tells us that lonely people are more likely to become ill, experience cognitive decline, and die early.

This is how solitude is experienced by many and more so if you’re not an introvert (or writer) who values solitude as required for your well-being.

Their statement continues:

Being socially connected, on the other hand — as reflected by the size of our social networks, the extent to which we are involved with others, the quality of our relationships, and our perception that support is available when we need it — are all associated with longevity.

As long as you experience this mandated quarantine as isolation and being BY yourself (even if it means being with your family) excluding your normal routine and interactions, you will feel lonely. And that affects your mindset and health. From this perspective you experience a sense of loss, nostalgia and lack.

The challenge will be to see this as being WITH yourself and exploring what lies within that will allow you to evolve consciousness, amplify your perspective and be more creative in how you run your life (or business) from this point forth. Creation only happens in the present moment.

This is a time to nurture relationships that matter, quality over quantity, and intentionally maintaining your connection to those through whatever technology is available. My hope is that this continues well after this emergency has passed and that we don’t regress to more is better, or the comfort of superficial conversations.

This pause can be the opportunity for a rebirth if you shift your words (and energy) from lonely to alone, from by yourself to with yourself, from social distance to physical distance, from exclusion to inclusion, from quantity to quality, from void to creative emergence.

Your Retreat

There are good reasons that people go on vision quests and silent retreats. Without the distractions of everyday life, our minds and hearts open up. This kind of silence allows unexpected stuff to reveal itself — and that often is uncomfortable.

Learning to be present to all that arises, the easy and difficult stuff, and observing all of this from a place on non-attachment can transform the control our thoughts have into understanding the stories we create that drive our behaviors and desires. Meditation and reflection are ideal vehicles for sitting with what arises, observing it and healing from the revelations.

Other Shifts for Future Possibilities

There is such a thing as negativity bias. It’s when you fixate on the negative. Negative events have a greater impact on our brain than positive events and it will affect your behavior and world view.

The negative bias is our tendency not only to register negative stimuli more readily but also to dwell on these events. Also known as positive-negative asymmetry, this negativity bias means that we feel the sting of a rebuke more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise. (Source: verywellmind.com)

Right now too many people are focused on what they CAN’T do or CAN’T have. They are focused on what they perceive they are losing. By no means am I diminishing the severity of COVID-19 nor am I a Pollyanna. The urgency and import cannot be denied.

As long as you focus on what you can’t control, you will feel afraid and disempowered. Turn your focus on what you can control and what’s possible within the current state of affairs.

Choose your words wisely. Words carry energy that can lower or increase your vitality and energy and affect others likewise.

Previously I created the distinction between relationships and behaviors of interactions and activities. Now is the time to build and strengthen relationships through genuine care and compassion. Actively reach out to others — colleagues, clients, friends, family, neighbors — the old-fashioned way. Use the phone. Talk to one another. If you are living in the same house, eat meals together, watch a movie together, listen to one another.

For those who are far away, call. Hear each other’s voices. And see one another using Zoom, Skype, Facetime, WhatsApp and other technologies. Even Facebook can be used for checking in with others.

Expand your perspective.

Don’t simply focus on today’s crisis. Think of what may be possible after this is over. What will you do today to create a new normal for yourself? Explore what hasn’t been working for you in your life and let it go. Create the foundation for something new, more aligned with what matters most to you.

Take advantage of time spent at home.

Read those books you’ve been meaning to get to, learn something like playing the piano, art, a new language, meditation, yoga.

Get outside into nature.

Don’t sit on your couch all day. Go for a walk in the woods or on the beach or to a park. You don’t have to go where there are crowds of people. Even if it’s to sit on your patio or balcony, get some air. And move your body!

Practice being present without the need to solve anything.

Engage things like walking, meditation, yoga, playing the flute, mindful breathing, whatever it is you do that fully engages you and brings you into the present moment.

Don’t just sit there. Contribute!

It seems a new/old concept is unfolding and driven by the younger generation. In this article the example of using technology to harness the resources of individuals to help those in need is a model to follow during this crisis. It’s called Mutual Aid. (Another new term)

From the Guardian article:

Mutual aid is a concept in organization theory, based on the late-19th-century anarchist writings of Russian economist and sociologist Peter Kropotkin. It describes people providing each other support, whether through resources or services, for the sake of mutual benefit. The hallmark of mutual aid is that aid flows horizontally — between peers, colleagues, community members — rather than from the top-down, as it would from a government, major charity or other institutional program to those in need.

It is fitting that mutual aid is rooted in anarchist theory: typically, in times of crisis, war, or natural disaster, when institutions begin to fail, human altruism comes to the forefront.

This is one way to harness the resources of the collective to support one another.

Keep calm and have a sense of humor.

Humor is the great leveler. Humor dissolves tension, reduces stress and invites us to look at our challenges from another perspective. It invites us to laugh at ourselves.

I found @dyingbutfine on Instagram. I especially enjoyed the Quarantine Bingo. She uses satire and tells it like it is in funny memes. Find ways to bring humor into your conversations and lightness into your interactions. It’s temporary but it alleviates fear and stress even if for a short time.

So if you think you’ll go crazy staying home either because it’s too quiet or because it’s too crazy with your family all there at once, go ahead and try some of these suggestions. No one knows how long it will last. And you may find that you’ll want to keep doing these things after the COVID-19 crisis has past.

If you’re a leader, check out Part 2 HERE where I make suggestions for leading through this complex time.

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