The Coping Conundrum Fix

These weekly newsletters will have therapy deep dives, effective coping skills, mental health tips, psychology info, LinkedIn tricks, and business bits. For some reason, each of these areas appears to connect in my mind and I'd like to share them with you. Cheers to actionable insights!

This week's focus is on?coping skills tips?for those who think coping methods simply don't work.

And how this one article may be the answer you need for a better impact in feeling better again.

Here we go.

The Statement

Time and time again I hear this: "Coping skills are crap, Jake. They just don't work."

And I'd have to agree. Here's why.

I never really understood coping until I was a few years into the mental health field.

Originally, I figured coping was a way to feel better in the moment after using basic tools.

You know, tools like breathing.

Don't get me wrong, I ain't knocking this skill, it just wasn't doing the trick for my clients.

And to be honest, it wasn't doing a thing to help me cope myself.

Definitions Matter

Before going further, let's you and I try to get on the same page with what coping is and isn't.

First, coping is not the same as healing. (That's another conversation)

Coping is more about maintaining a comfortable enough state when things get tough.

Sometimes, coping can also lead to a decrease in negative emotion and a boost in positive emotion. Neat, right?

But you're not here to listen to basic coping information, so let me give you a rich definition as a clinical professional and then the solution:

Coping is the process of matching a skill at the same degree of severity of the difficult experience one is attempting to overcome or at least neutralize for a temporary period of time.

That only took me 20 minutes to come up with ??

And sure, you could say that it means "to feel better in the moment" too. But let's take this a step further.

I highlighted four important features in my definition:

-Skill

-Experience

-Overcoming

-Neutralizing

We'll come back to these shortly.

Customization Matters

Earlier I mentioned how breathing didn't do it for me when it comes to coping effectively.

Again, don't get me wrong, some people can do this pretty well and I suspect it's because of this little trick:

Coping with customization can meet your custom needs.

Yes, breathing can work in your favor, but let's be clear about something.

You are too unique. Seriously, you are a unique human being.

Because of this, you also will have unique experiences that will need to be met with a unique custom coping skillset.

Remember those four highlighted areas? Let me give you this final example using them so you can be done with this and move on with your day ??

The Details Matter

Breathing may or may not be a good enough skill for you.

So, let's customize it and compare it to basic breathing methods.

For example, imagine you are in a heightened state of anxiety.

You are experiencing tachycardia (fast heartbeat), feeling on-edge, out of control, sweaty palms, nervousness, irritable, perhaps dizzy, lightheaded, can't stop moving, etc.

All of those symptoms soak up energy from your body aka oxygen.

This means your body needs adequate oxygen to find its peace again.

Now let's compare.

Basic breathing technique

Telling yourself: "Just breath in and out. Slowly. Just keep breathing. It will pass."

Sure this may help you out, yet there's not a lot of structure to it. And structure has a way to bring back control to those who may feel out of control and anxious.

Customized breathing technique

Because you're in a heightened state of anxiety, this requires a lot more air to come into your body at a more consistent and controlled rate.

Here's my favorite method I use myself and teach others I work with:

This is what you'd call Box Breathing.

It's controlled, consistent, concise, and easy to remember after enough practice.

Some go further and add a few seconds of breathing in or holding air in their lungs.

Some even drink water in between every finished round of breathing.

This is customizing it to what you think you need as a unique human being.

The Good News

Usually, after about 60 seconds of doing this, your body will then reach a point where your skill of breathing matches the degree of stress aka not having enough oxygen in your body.

Once you've taken in enough air, your parasympathetic nervous system (the body's resting system) will kick in because you've triggered it with your customized breathing method.

Again, the important thing I am trying to teach you with this is to each their own.

Coping can work sometimes. But customized coping does work most of the time.

Why?

Because when you spend enough time customizing a single type of coping skill (box breathing) that matches a difficult experience (high state of anxiety) can often lead to neutralizing it (sympathetic nervous system turning on).

You get more familiar with it so it becomes easier with practice and time.

But what about overcoming it, how does that fit in?

Mind Blowing Time

One of the coolest features of coping is that after enough practice using your custom tools, your brain has a way of consolidating these experiences of stress and coping effectively that it will become stronger, faster, and better the next time around.

Said in an even cooler way, there will be times that when anxiety is heightened again your brain is likely able to sound the alarm to turn on your parasympathetic nervous system even sooner while you're breathing, and sometimes...

Your body's calming system can turn on when you simply think about it before you even begin box breathing.

This is mind over mood.

This is The Coping Conundrum Fix.

And for those who already have skills that work, great. Keep at it.

And for others who are still trying to figure out if all of this is nonsense, try to customize your skills to what you think is going to be best for you. You know you best, remember that.

Trust your judgment. Trust your gut.

Happy coping.

Recap

1. Find a coping skill you think will help

2. Customize it to meet your unique needs

3. Practice enough and notice its effectiveness

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