Coparenting Hacks

Friendly co-parenting is not in the cards for every couple in the aftermath of a divorce. But even if you and your ex don’t get along that well, there are still ways to improve your relationship in the best interests of your children.

Enter “parallel parenting”. This can happen when parents don't engage with one another, but instead raise children in two different households in tandem. In short, you "stay in your own lane", and avoid conflict and negative communication. (FYI: These tips can also be implemented by parents living together, and NOT contemplating divorce.)

In this article, I will share some hacks to maintain the peace in two separate households:

1. First of all, recognize that there are a plethora of issues that many parents don't agree on even before they break up: bedtime, curfew, the child's diet, use of video games or cell phone, homework rules, and the big ones: religion, vaccines and medications / treatment for ADHD.

2. That said, there’s a reason you and your ex are not together anymore. And you have no control over what goes on in the other parent's household unless it’s an issue of safety or health for your child. For example, in a custody agreement, you can insist on no smoking if your child has asthma. If your child is diabetic, or keeps kosher, you can insist on a special diet. You can have ground rules about pets if your child has allergies. Or the use of child care for very young children. Or discipline in the event of serious misbehavior (i.e. hitting a classmate, using drugs.)

3. But there are other battles that are not worth fighting. For example, chores, teeth brushing, homework and bedtimes. Do what you can to minimize conflict going forward. Do not waste your time and energy fighting small battles. You will not get anywhere and you will harm your child.

4. The goal for you and your child is to keep a smile on their face, so that the child will enjoy time with both parents, their friends, and at school. Try to keep things consistent, but they will never be exactly the same.

5. If your child is happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. Tune out the rest of the noise!

6. But what if the other parent absolutely refuses to do homework? You can ask the child's teacher to restructure deadlines for school work and projects. Don’t put your child in the middle of it. It’s not worth it.

7. If there is a major issue, respectful consultation and communication is key. Always try to get on the same page with your coparent about that. Whenever possible you and your coparent should discuss important matters, and if necessary, consult with the child's teacher, doctor or therapist for guidance.

8. Use technology or a shared calendar, so that you can plan travel and holiday events in advance, and share information about payment for activities, medical bills and other support "add ons".

9. Do not let the children manipulate you, especially teenagers. Boundaries and discipline are very important and will benefit both parents and the child in the long run.

10. If possible, engage a mediator or parent coordinator to generate a list of co-parenting "non-negotiables" when it comes to drinking, substances, curfews, and discipline.

11. Treat your relationship like a business. Be civilized and use business language. Email is always better than text if emotions are running high. Think before you press send.

12. Above all, let go of the hate. You deserve a happy life and so do your children. Let it all go.

Authored by: Jacqueline Harounian, Esq., Managing Partner of the Firm. For a free consultation, call 516 773-8300