Cool Dad Journey - Jonathan Guerrero

Cool Dad Journey # 0027 – I had an absolutely amazing and enriching conversation with Jonathan Guerrero , who resides in Cedar Rapids, IA – USA with his wife and 2 great boys (7 and 10 yrs). He is the producer of The Fathering Challenge podcast.

Jonathan grew up in a broken home and didn’t really meet his father until he was in his 20’s. But going into adulthood, he was very adamant to find out who his father was, which itself was a long struggle and painful journey – something we will get into some other day.

We decided to touch upon topics that he felt comfortable talking about?–

Me – How did marriage transform you as a person, considering the experiences that you’ve had growing up?

Jonathan - Going into marriage no one could have prepared me for that. When you have issues of abandonment, not having a complete sense of who you are as a person, etc, it gets very complicated

Now when you join your life with another woman, who someday wants to form a family and have kids, you are not prepared at all.

I remember my conversations with my Dad and this was around the time when my wife was pregnant with our 1st child. I was scared, nervous, and inadequate, and I was thinking that there is no way that I am prepared for this.

So, I communicated these feelings to my Dad and asked him what do I do. Look at the irony of it all, I was prepared to get advice from my father considering that he was missing from most of my life. I was looking for literally anything from him. And I thought this was the time for him to really step up and guide me during the crucial years of my own fatherhood

His response was – “It’s all really simple. All you have to do is get through the 1st year. Once you are past that 1st year it all gets better. You can play, you can have fun, you can watch your kids grow, etc. It's all going to be OK.”

While those were somewhat true words, there was a lot that was missing though.

If you are one of those who grew up in a broken home, or missed out on things and have had traumatic experiences, and when you have your own kids, it’s not going to go away.

You will see every single of those events that were painful for you come right back to you when you have kids.

At this moment you as a father have a choice. You can either stay your ground or walk out of the door. When you were a kid you didn’t have a choice.

The choice of walking away will never heal you. It will feel good at that moment. But in the process, you will actually hurt your child and later, yourself.

2nd choice might be painful at that moment, but you sacrifice for your child. Now, this is going to sound demented or messed up. But give your child everything you wished you had but never got.

So here is what happens. All that past stuff, when you see that joy on your child’s face, you get to share in that experience and you bond together.

And there is that little part of you that starts to heal. It does not mean that the past has disappeared but it gets resolved with your child. And you get that enormous pride that you did it right.

Simple version - -by taking that simple action you would have empowered the next generation. And there is so much pride in doing that. That’s hero work.

So, don’t take the easy way out.

That’s one example of how fatherhood can change you. By stopping the earlier cycle.

Fatherhood rounds you up, it seasons you up.?

Me - How did you figure things out to raise your kids, Did you have a go-to strategy for raising your kids?

Jonathan - As a child growing up, I had surrogate fathers and father figures who stepped into the role for me. Most kids as they grow up eventually have some training provided to them by dads – driving the car, preventive maintenance, etc.

I had to figure out most of that stuff myself, and sometimes get help from some father figures who guided me to do things. I learned to do things like change oil and tune-ups, etc.

And now my 10 yr old son can change the oil, he can change a tire under supervision. He knows what tools to use, I just watch him do it safely.

Recently we had to do some basic maintenance at home, plumbing work, etc. My son was part of that. Cutting pipes, measuring, etc. All these skills are the things that you pass down to your kids.

So that one day when he has his own house, is married, and has kids, there will be things that have to be done around the house. This not only can save him some family money but his wife can feel secure in his ability to take care of his family.

And I can be proud of that, as I passed down the legacy to him.

It's important that fathers take initiative to break cycles. As a father, you already know what needs to be done.

But you might feel that you don’t have the knowledge or skills – so go take that initiative. Learn a new skill, and take that extra step. Take your child with you and learn together. Not only can it be a great bonding experience but you can be really proud when they can do better than you.

The other part is to have fun with your kids. They want to have fun with you. They want to share an experience with you more than anything.

Me - What were some of the challenges and hurdles that you faced along the way in your fatherhood journey?

Jonathan - I did trucking for a few years and was very good at that. Be it snow, heavy thunderstorms, or big things that needed to move I was very dependable. I got the job done and also made good money doing that.

Everything was great about it except for one thing. I spent so much time in that career – that my family paid the price for that. I missed out on so many things. All those things were very hard.

I remember, my youngest son was taking swimming lessons. But he never graduated from the swimming class, he always stayed at the same level. Never got out of the shallow pool. Everyone moved on, except for him.

I was wondering why he is stuck, why are the teachers not able to figure it out? I could also sense the embarrassment and the helplessness in him.

That and many other situations like this eventually led me to make the decision to hang up that career. Too much of a price had been paid. It was a difficult decision.

Now I teach music - cello and piano. I absolutely love it. And the best part is that my earning potential is more than what it was in my trucking days and I get to spend time with my family.

I also produce a podcast and radio program – The Fatherhood Challenge at thefatherhoodchallenge.com. I am also helping my wife on the operations side in her Therapy practice. Most of these things keep me around the house where I need to be.

Coming back to the swimming pool situation. In order to get him to move up the ladder in his class, I decided to take action. So I decided to get into the pool with him. He was just playing around, having fun. And he was like - I don’t know if I can go down there to the deep end of the pool.

Fast forward – after about 1 hr of working with him, he was swimming halfway across the deeper pool. By the end of the week, he was doing it all by himself. I started throwing rings at the bottom and he would swim out to the middle of the pool, grab the ring at the bottom – stay in the water, and then come back up and then swim down to pick up another ring.

We underestimate our own impact and influence on our kids. My son could not get out of the kiddie pool starting out, but now he was diving within a couple of weeks. I realized that the problem was not his teachers. It was all me.

All that he needed was my time, my attention. There is something that Dads have – that incredible power that they don’t understand and realize.

So, I say - Quit understanding it. Just go and do it.

Kids will really force you to confront your identity. That is another change. Before marriage, you can do whatever you want to do and you are not really worried about the consequences.

But when you have a child, something happens. You suddenly have a mirror in front of you – it forces you to confront yourself in 2 ways -

1. Who am I?

2 What is my purpose?

If you don’t know these answers, you are going to look in all the wrong places – addictions, alcohol, etc. It gets messier. You stop being present for your child, your wife, for your family. And you end up as a ghost.

But once you figure out answers to those questions, you become unstoppable as a father.

Me – What are some of your reflections on your fatherhood journey?

Jonathan - Chris Bruno compares fatherhood to a train journey. There are different coaches that get attached over time. Many times, we continue to ride that same train for generations without any change.

But if you are desirous to bring that for the coming generations, then you need to get off that train. Now, remember the train is not going to slow down or stop for you when you want to get off. You will have to take that leap.

In that process, you will get bruised, you will get hurt, and might even get isolated by other family members.

Your kids are seeing that. Your wife is seeing that. And you will need them around you to heal. You will need that support to make that transition.

If you don’t do it – you are going to carry the same broken ideologies and concepts in your head that were passed on to you from past generations. It will impact in a negative way how to treat your family and you will pass down those broken ways to your kids and future generations through epigenetics. This is very dangerous.

But if you choose to get off the train, you can bring that change to the next generation. Only you can decide for yourself whether you want to get off the train.?