Conversing
Conversing is to talk informally with another or others; exchange views, opinions, etc., by talking or engage in conversation. The correct form is "to converse". "Conversate" is incorrect. Conversation is a common word, and the matching verb is to converse, not *conversate. Still, it is not used very much compared to synonyms.
The art of conversation, like any art, is a skill of elegance, nuance and creative execution. When it comes to the art of conversation we've all met people who seem to have the knack for it. They can talk to anybody about anything and they seem to do it with complete ease.
People today are busier than ever, commuting, flying, and texting. “Conversation time” is diminishing. Too often people are self-centered and closed-up. Today, everyone is an introvert in his own little corner, struggling by oneself.
Too many friendships never get beyond the superficial stage. It’s possible to talk endlessly about recipes, football and fashion. But that’s not enough. Nowadays, even family members live in communicative isolation. Living room furniture used to be designed so that people sat facing one another. Today, living rooms are set up so that everyone faces the TV.
Don’t mistake Discussion for Conversation!
- A “discussion” is an issue of right or wrong, a cerebral exchange of facts and opinions.
- A “conversation” is a personal exploration of another person. The point of conversation is not to impress others or to enhance your popularity, but to learn from and about others.
That is our most common mistake. The point of conversation is to connect with someone and explore his experiences, thoughts, feelings, and inner appreciations. While a “discussion” might focus on the question: “Is the president effectively dealing with the economy?” a “conversation” would ask: “How is the economic situation affecting you personally?”
Don’t use conversation as an escape from reality. It’s a waste of energy and words. And when the conversation is over, we feel empty. Unnecessary talk dulls your mind. Efficient use of words puts you in control of your mind.
"Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative." Oscar Wilde
Don't interrupt in conversation anxiously anticipating the end of a sentence so you can jump back with your own opinion. If someone makes a statement you disagree with, bite your tongue and keep on listening. A sharp reply is likely to make the other person defensive, in which case he’ll either get angry or end the conversation completely. Just calm down and give your undivided attention.
Don’t look around, or think of other things. Pay attention. Ask for points of clarification. Really try to understand. You will build an atmosphere of trust, which will enable you to voice your own opinion later.
Don’t fight with people. No criticism. No confrontation. Just discuss. Exchange feelings. That’s conversation.
Constantly emit “listening signals” to demonstrate interest. Use eye contact or add a nod of acknowledgement. Use simple words of feedback, like, “Yes, interesting,” or “That must have felt incredible.” A skilled conversationalist can say few words and build a deep bond.
A conversation is the encounter of two polished minds, tactful enough to listen, confident enough to express their true beliefs, and subtle enough to search out the reasons behind the thoughts. A conversation is a work of art with more than one creator.
There’s an old saying: “Small people speak about people. Medium people speak about places and things. Big people speak about ideas.” The words and topics you choose determine the type of person you are.
Don’t talk without a purpose. In any conversation, ask yourself: “Is there a point to this conversation? Am I learning anything ? Am I growing? Are we making contact?” If you can’t identify the point, there probably is none.
- Speech is a tool of creation, through it we can build. A word of praise will encourage others and build confidence. Making someone feel important is to say, “Your existence is necessary.” This is life-giving and life-affirming.
- Speech on the other hand, can also be used to destroy. Words like “You’re worthless, that’s terrible,” wipe out a person’s self-esteem. It is untrue to believe that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”
Never say anything negative or derogatory about another person, even if it’s true. Gossip causes quarrel and tears apart relationships, families, even entire communities. As King Solomon said: “Life and death are in the hands of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).
Learn to switch tracks. Monitor your conversation, and when you notice it slipping off track, pull it back, gently and subtly. If this doesn’t work, bow out of the conversation. Have some graceful exit lines ready to go. Of course, don’t ever embarrass another person, but don’t hang around and sully yourself either!
This is why true conversation is not quite like a debate that is a process that involves formal discussion on a particular topic. In a debate, opposing arguments are put forward to argue for opposing viewpoints.
The development of conversational skills and etiquette is an important part of socialization. Conversation analysis is a branch of sociology which studies the structure and organization of human interaction, with a more specific focus on conversational interaction.
Consequently, the term is often defined by what it is not. A ritualized exchange such as a mutual greeting is not a conversation, and an interaction that includes a marked status differential (such as a boss giving orders) is also not a conversation. An interaction with a tightly focused topic or purpose is also generally not considered a conversation. Summarizing these properties, one authority writes:
"Conversation is the kind of speech that happens informally, symmetrically, and for the purposes of establishing and maintaining social ties."
Conversation is generally face-to-face person-to-person at the same time (synchronous) possibly online with video applications such as Skype, but might also include audio-only phone calls. It would not generally include internet written communication which tends to be asynchronous (not same time, can read and respond later if at all) and does not fit the 'con'/'with' in 'conversation'.
In face to face conversation it has been suggested that 85% of the communication is non-verbal/body language, a smile, a frown, a shrug, tone of voice conveying much added meaning to the mere words. Short forms of written communication such as sms are thus frequently misunderstood. Yet the convenience and apparent control makes them increasingly popular now that many people seem to prefer to communicate via short text or Facebook post and/or 'like' than actually meeting face to face.
Face to face conversation is increasingly deemed less important when people have already seen all the relevant news about the other person they have already shared online. Also people would typically never say face to face some things they might easily write with the apparent impunity of anonymous online posts. To this extent the decreasing popularity of face to face conversation can be seen as a loss to society and civility.
Chitchat is taking over our lives to the extent that we are losing the ability to converse at length. Email, text and the omnipresent iPod have forced us into increasingly shorter exchanges, the consequences of which have an impact on our ability and willingness to tackle the major issues of the day.
New language research shows that conversations at work are becoming shorter, with more core business being conducted via email, telephone or video-link. Speed of communication takes precedence over extended debate or discussion. We now talk less about the weather and more about last night’s television or the traffic jams on the way to work.
The reasons behind all this small-talk communication are highly significant, and part of the social glue that keeps us all in touch. It is vital in forming and sustaining relationships within our fast-paced modern world. But it also begs the question how well do we do big talk?
Big talk means discussing ideas in depth, having your philosophies and beliefs challenged so you get to refine them more, forcing you to re-think, extend and elaborate your first thoughts. It means listening intently; in face-to-face discussion it means learning to recognize and better interpret body language, nods of the head, raised eyebrows, telling smiles.
Considering that art reflects life, in a democratic society, it is vital that we become a nation on receive as well as transmit. If we lose the art of conversation, there is a risk that we may become inflexible and stereotyped in our thinking, a little self-righteous perhaps. If nobody challenges us, then we end up only agreeing with ourselves. How democratic is that?
More pressingly, there are discussions going on now in which we all must engage at length, life-threatening issues like climate change, political upheaval and the increasing natural disaster. It is essential that the public have the tools to take part in these discussions. Losing the ability to have extended conversations on big topics will hinder our chances of any agreement, and coming up with solutions.
"Telephone conversation is a halfway between art and life. It is not a conversation with a person but with an image which you get when you listen to him." Andre Maurois
On the bright side, there are signs that people want to rediscover the art of debate. The rise in Reading Groups, where people meet to discuss books with universal themes or big ideas, is taking place all around the world. There is also the possibility that the technology which services and controls our ever more frantic lives, and that forces us into short exchanges, will begin to offer solutions. With the evolution of video-calls, perhaps we will be forced into re-learning something of the art of conversing.
Noteworthy, two of the most commonly used dispute and problem solving methods are mediation and arbitration, both relying on the capacity to converse and negotiate in a spirit of compromise...
Food for thought!