Conversations about Student Well-being, Inclusion, and Wholeness, with Author Linda Goldman, Part 1

Love is a powerful human emotion, need, and refuge that can bring happiness and hope to children all across the world each day. This topic was on my mind during a weekly conversation I have been having with Linda Goldman, author of many books including most recently ‘Creating Inclusion and Well-being for Marginalized Students’ (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2017). In these talks, we have been discussing the needs of children as well as the strengths of approaches that bring wholeness into lives where trauma or hardships have created excessive burdens for kids to bear.

Love and Kinship in Education

The concept of “Love” brings to mind that Carpenters song, For All We Know, (1971). It is a song that reminds of the feelings of the 1970s, for sure. From the lyrics are the words, "Love, look at the two of us, Strangers in many ways... Let's take a lifetime to say 'I knew you well.' " Certainly, a message shared through these words is of the power of relationships across the years of our lives. Also there is the message of the importance of kinship between people.

Kinship is defined by the worldwide audience of Wikipedians, as “the web of social relationships that form an important part of the lives of all humans in all societies.”

Let’s unpack that for a second before coming back to the topic of traumatized young people and how to help them. To be clear, the term 'traumatized' means to be seriously hurt emotionally, physically, and/or socially. This can come through name-calling, verbal/physical abuse, hardships in life, parent dysfunction, exclusion from groups, and the list goes on and on. If we look at our own lives, we can spot areas of past traumas we endured and hopefully also what it took for us to deal with them.

Love and kinship ARE NOT often talked about as being important in education. In fact, they have become taboo subjects sometimes -- even though, as educators, we have concerns about bullying and want schools to be a place that fosters positive relationships. But why do students need love? Why kinship?

Here are two reasons. First, an atmosphere in education where love is pervasive means that educators truly care about the needs of students. And the source of hope that these educators bring to students is not just through well-organized lessons and content that stretches student understanding of subjects but rather though the healthy relationships that are integrated into the learning environment. When this happens, educators are working with students through relationships rather than only through curriculum. And also, their focus on behavior, when needed, becomes relationship-based and towards building resilience in students.

Secondly, schools need kids to be developing healthy relationships with each other. The truth is that there are not enough teachers when a classroom has a couple dozen students. Since there is only one teacher – or perhaps a teacher’s assistant also – one way to help love and kinship in students is to think of a single question that students might be asking.

A Three-fold Question for Us All to Ponder and Apply

Think of the following series of questions the next time you are working with someone who appear frustrated, hurt, or traumatized.

What are the answers to the questions below?

• “I wish my parent knew ____”
• “I wish my (best) friend knew ____”
• “I wish my teacher knew ____”

Students can be coached to ask (or think about) these questions with each other in order to be more sensitive and caring. In this way, the important work of love and empathy of teachers can be extended. Also, adults can also use these questions to build better relationships with hurting students, as an example below will describe.

Now, think for a second. When a person is frustrated, hurt, or traumatized, then the chances are there is a gap between what a person is feeling/experiencing and what others know about them. Oftentimes, human experience draws us to isolate from others when we experience pain. Isolation can be self-imposed, in this way, or situation-imposed through consequences or painful circumstances (death of a loved one, divorce, a best friend moving away, and so on).

So, you might be wondering what you do with those “I wish…” questions. Here is an answer. Think from the perspective of the hurting person or hurting young person. In their world, there might a significant person (parent, teachers, leader, or even yourself) who might be able to extend more kindness and understanding IF they knew something.

The truth is that not all pain can readily be disclosed by the person who is in pain. At the same time, children might be put at ease to know that their teachers and leaders are trusting and will each be a safe person to hear things or even refer them to other adults (guidance counselors, principals, parents) if it is beneficial for the child.

Here is what these questions could look like in action:

Suppose that Sally, the 5th grade student, is in tears at recess and avoiding other children. The teacher approaches and tries to create a foundation of care in words like the following.

• Teacher Hi Sally, you look really frustrated today. Is there something you wish I knew so I could be more supportive?
• Sally I feel terrible.
• Teacher How come? Is there something I could do if I knew more?
• Sally I don’t want to talk about it. (crying more).
• Teacher (regrouping) Sally, I’m really concerned for you and want to help. Is there something that you wish your parents knew?
• Sally They just aren’t listening. I kept telling my parents not to split apart and they did. It’s my fault.
• Teacher That’s really hard to bear on your shoulders. I don’t want you to feel that kind of pain. Both your parents care about you – I know it because I’ve spoken with them a number of times – so let’s see if we can find a way to help you feel closer to each of them in this new season.
• Sally Thanks, Mr. Albertson. That would help a lot.

This is just one example, and it is a hypothetical one at that. In his chapter of the book, Creating Inclusion and Well-being for Marginalized Students (2017), Jim Sporleder spoke of how a school administrator could use this approach with a student who was avoiding school and suffering from addiction behaviors in the midst of some very difficult traumas experienced in the student’s family (from chapter 15). His example of how to help a student in crisis is really powerful and shows the way that love and empathy can be translated into actions can effectively to help a student to reconnect to their educational environment and the supports available in it.

Jim is also the co-author, along with Heather Forbes, of the helpful Implementation Guide, ‘The Trauma-Informed School: A Step-by-Step Implementation Guide for Administrators and School Personnel’ (Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC, 2016). There is no doubt that by increasing the tools and skillsets of school leaders, schools can become better places in fostering more compassion and resilience in the lives of students.

As I close this Part 1 of a series that is resulting from weekly talks with an amazing educator and author, Linda Goldman, I want to focus on the story of excellence in your life. Every teacher, parent, and leader in education in schools, districts, regional centers, and homes is choosing to be on the front lines with a nation of young people who need caring adults. These amazing educators and parents are the reason for success stories that sadly do not dominate our social media enough.

Success stories should fill our hearts each day to overflowing. This means choosing to see and focus on what is going right, not what is going wrong. What resilience is being shown, not just what trials are weighing down. What amazing potential that young people have, not what outward signs of frustration have been viewed up until now.

Wouldn't we want to live in such a world that always saw our sense of hope, our resilience, our potential, and our value just as we see those things in others. Yes, yes, yes!

For us to truly focus on the resilience of young people means changing our hearts and minds. Change – and embracing paradigm changes – are at the core of being teachable adults who are passionately engaged in lifelong learning. Thank you for joining me in Part 1 of this series. Along with you, I am looking forward to this important story continuing in Part 2.

– Jonathan Doll, PhD

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Dr. Jonathan Doll wrote for the Huffington Post regularly in 2015-2018, until the Huffington Post contributor blogs were shut down. He wrote on topics of student wellness, educational equity, and even topics of national importance such as elections wherein he interviewed Karl Becker, one of the questioners at a national US Presidential debate. Dr. Doll wrote a chapter in Linda Goldman's book on the topic of utilizing strengths in education. He thinks of himself as an eternal optimist, and his opinions are his own.