Conversations that Matter – Tips for Engagement and Empathy

‘Tis the season for socializing and networking. While we’re fretting over outfits and gifts, we may also be fretting about the many conversations we’ll need to have.

Conversation is a like a fine wine. Some people love it, understand its nuances and experiment with different varieties. Some are less enthusiastic but observe others and sample it for themselves one sip at a time. A conversation offers a range of flavour from beginning to end; it could leave a bad taste in your mouth or provide a delightful finish. Perhaps we savour it and long for more. Perhaps too much gives us a headache.

Analogies aside, a conversation is an interactive exchange of messages and feedback simultaneously encoded and decoded by the participants. It is an integral part of any human connection. Human connection - that bears repeating since we are living in a society where technology offers to communicate with us and (dare we say it?) for us. Our goal in this article is to acknowledge the value of conversations that are humanized – face-to-face with verbal and nonverbal exchanges. However, where there are humans there are endless complexities - every one of us has vastly different experiences that have shaped us, and that will impact how we engage in any conversation.

What does it mean to be engaged in conversation?

Engagement is a current buzzword for a culture that has shifted due to advancing technology and pandemic recovery. Being engaged with other humans includes a process of building relationships, but not based on a prosaic formula of conversational strategies and non-verbal cues. Now, more than ever, it requires mutual and continual efforts grounded in knowledge, trust and understanding of one another.

It is possible to have engaging conversations with customers, colleagues and employees that simultaneously influence them and make them feel valued. But if we’re having these conversations every day, is it really possible to develop authentic understanding and trust? Yes, but it’s essential to consistently practise the skill of empathy.

What is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to relate to another person’s situation, feelings or experience. It doesn’t mean we have to feel the same way or have experienced the same thing. It’s more than just a feeling; it’s a conscious effort to use a technique of inquiry and listening.

To listen with empathy is to try to understand the emotions and rationale behind a person’s ideas and behaviours. It’s a concerted attempt to acknowledge the unique experiences that shape the way your conversation partner views the world. To make every conversation a cooperation of humans working together to be mutually understood, it should be our purpose to do the following:

-??????? Prepare to hear a different perspective.

-??????? Don’t judge or tune out due to biases or preconceptions.

-??????? Don’t make it all about you.

-??????? Seek to understand rather than respond (even if you disagree).

-??????? Recognize and focus on feelings, not on details or personal agendas.

-??????? Intend to learn something about another person (rather than teach them something you think they should know).

How can we listen with empathy?

Every human wants to be heard and understood, to share our experiences and influence others. Ideally, each of us will get that chance in a conversation but we should strive to listen first and speak second. Here are some tips for how to practise empathy in any conversation:

1.???? Be quiet and listen carefully, even if you don’t like a perspective or find flaws in a story.

2.???? Eliminate distractions and try to give undivided attention.

3.???? When thoughts come into your head, learn to let them go. Don’t interrupt, offer add-ons or try to one-up their stories.

4.???? Rephrase and clarify to show you’ve heard what they truly said.

5.???? Embrace pauses and be comfortable with silence. Contrary to your instincts, you don’t have to fill a gap and you don’t have to give a quick response.

6.???? Don’t focus on changing minds or giving advice. Focus instead on learning something about another person.

7.???? You don’t have to be right and you don’t have to be all-knowing. Refrain from adding your input until it’s your turn to speak.

8.???? Be curious. Ask questions and actually listen to the answers.

9.???? Show respect for the person and their experiences. You may not respect the opinion, but you should respect the human being who holds it.

These tips may sound easy until you’re thrust into a highly emotional or conflicting conversation. Whether personal or corporate conversations, you’re engaging with humans who need to feel heard, respected and understood. When they do they will likely respond in kind, so humanize your conversations with some empathic listening. You just may find that those are the conversations that matter most, to them and to you.

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