Conversations: From a Coach, a Futurist and a Human Being

Let me tell you a story, in 3 paragraphs

Sheila is in her 30s. Arjun, is slightly older than Sheila. Arjun is married for a good few years now, and a father. Sheila, is single. Sheila is a woman, that most men would consider to be very attractive, visually. She is very good looking. Arjun, is married to a woman who is also very good looking. Arjun is not however, a man whom most women, would consider attractive, by the way he looks. He is not disfigured or scarred. Not ugly. Just not good looking. Sheila, over the years, suffered heartaches from relationships that went no where, because of betrayal, non-commitment and things of the sort. It all sort of smashed her fairy tale romance fantasies of adolescence. Arjun falls in love with his wife, again and again, every day, even when things are tough. Sometimes, things are very tough. Like all couples, Arjun and his wife have their disagreements, their fights, the typical shouting matches. Yet, Arjun falls in love with his wife every day, and she with him. There was a time, when Arjun, was madly, deeply, in love, with Sheila.

Creative, poetic and a hopeless romantic, Arjun fit the bill of what Sheila had fantasised about in a lover. She met him as a teenager, and his appearance did not create the first impression of her dream prince charming in her mind. There was something about him she sensed though, that she could not resist. When he asked for her number, she gave it. There were email exchanges, phone calls, but there never was a date. They did get to know each other, but while Arjun kept falling for her head over heels or heels over head, Sheila kept resisting any feeling into a romantic direction. Arjun, saw and heard Sheila. Listened to her. Learnt about her. Experienced her as a person for himself. Sheila heard gossips and rumours about Arjun, from others, some of whom did not even really personally know him. Many years later, those gossips and rumours turned out to be unfounded and false, but by then, Arjun was married.

Sheila is in her 30s. She is single. That is not how she had ever seen herself. Educated, successful career woman, but single. Nothing wrong with being single. Just not how Sheila wanted herself to be, by this stage in her life. And she is at a point in her life, where and when dating is tough, because her experiences have now made it difficult for her, to trust men. Arjun had tried to pursue her and waited for her for almost a decade. In fact, he loved her to the point of insanity, before moving on, to the point, where he almost died, quite literally. Sheila could have trusted Arjun. She could have counted on him. They could have been as good a couple, as Arjun and his now wife are. That did not happen. They talked. They never had a conversation. Not really.

Conversations

Life does not give people chances everyday. Two people got a chance. One wanted to take it. They other, did not see it. One got another, he was lucky. One did not, but perhaps will later, but luck and chance are not objective. Conversations can be. However, now ask yourself, how often are they? When they are not, why aren't they?

My name is Harish Shah. I am a Coach. I am a Futurist. I am a Human Being.

As a Coach, I know that from conversations we can learn, uncover truths, dispel untruths and gain wisdom. We can clear confusions, misunderstandings and doubts. I also know, that that does not always happen.

As a Futurist, I am trained to think in lines of a lot of things including the Chaos Theory, you know, where the butterfly flaps its wings somewhere, to cause a storm on the other side of the globe. And therefore I know, that the outcome, or rather the course of a conversation can shape a future. If a conversation never happens, that future is lost. I am also conscious of the myriad of factors disallowing conversations to actually happen.

As a Human Being, I know that not all things can be quantified, theorised or explained. Life is dynamic. It is non-linear. And it is chaotic. Rules don't apply. Love is one of those things, as an example. Love, can't be defined, but it is an emotional phenomenon that is more meaningful, in human life experience, and powerful, than anything we can define. And it is possible without conversations. It can be lost however, as a cost, a consequence, when conversations do not happen. Hence, I understand the value of conversations.

Absence of Conversations

What is a conversation really? When two or more people engage in an exchange of thoughts, sentiments, intentions, purpose, desires, will and directions, you have a conversation. It does not just happen with the mind and words. It happens with the whole being invested, fully. It is functionally possible, where truth prevails, which requires honesty, transparency and openness. By that definition, when was the last time, when you had a conversation?

In our teams, departments, divisions, organisations, meeting rooms and so on, we bring agendas that we do not reveal, intentions that are self-serving and minds that are narrowed to a personal and immediate gain. What are we having? You call those conversations? You think they are? Ever asked, what you are losing?

Before we start talking to someone, we have presumed expectations, predispositions, biases, prejudices and impressions. Then what are we talking for and about? Is a conversation possible? What is going to come out of it?

Sheila had an opportunity and to some extent a desire to pursue a conversation with Arjun. Her impressions by his appearance or rather its lacking in meeting her expectations created a curtain. Then, her predispositions from judgements, without and before facts, based on rumours and gossips created a wall. She walled herself in. In the long run, who gained and who lost? Forget the gain, look at the loss. What was it that was lost? What could have been gained, is uncertain, no doubt, because that course, never occurred. Yet, what was lost, is definite, and perhaps was, from the very start. Was it worthwhile therefore?

Put Sheila's story into the context of your organisation. A candidate for an opening won't fit in because of his different colour of skin, language spoken or heritage. Is that objective? You hire someone you think will fit and then he or she has a tough time delivering results. Did you allow a fair chance to the other candidate, in a conversation?

You sit in on a presentation by your company's Diversity Management person and before she starts, you have decided, that it is a her job, because she is a woman, and so will carry the torch for people who are "minorities" and you just have to listen to her. What are you going to listen to? What will you learn? What will you gain? What will your company gain, from you, sitting through that presentation?

The economy is nasty, your business is struggling, you meet another businessperson in a similar situation, with a preset intention of gaining a quick buck by making him or her part with some cash. You have not been upfront that you just want to sell something, and quick. How likely will you have a worthwhile conversation?

You tell someone you want to explore collaboration. You want that person to do all the work and tell you or give you what they have, and you want to ride on that, but off course you will not tell the other person that. Firstly you must be objectively and empirically stupid to think someone will let you get away with that. I mean we must be honest with these things. Secondly, well, there isn't a conversation possible for you so you need to figure what is lost to you in life. Thirdly, you need to fix yourself, if you realise what life can be without fruitful conversations.

And we have rules, such as, if I talk to someone, and that someone disagrees with me or tells me something I don't want to hear, the conversation is over.

What is Hindering Us?

We are driven by our egos, arrogance and ignorance if we assume higher intelligence or superiority before we engage somebody, in a proper conversation. Then we are blind, if we are looking at people by labels of race, language, religion, nationality, income status, education level, disability, gender, age, health condition and whatever else not. Those are a lot of downsides.

Solution

To get past barriers to conversations, there is no straightforward single universal solution, because there are plenty of hindrances. The starting step however, is universal and simple; Be Human. And if you have trouble finding incentives to make that start, take the following motivators:

• As a Futurist, I can guarantee, building a future is not possible without creation, through collaboration and none of that in turn can happen without conversations
• As a Coach, I can guarantee, you cannot rise above yourself, without good conversations with others.