The Conversation About Women in the Workplace - Has Been All Wrong

There is still the belief that the core reason for women not getting to as many leadership positions as men - is due to the fact that women are not putting their hands up. Most famously there was Cheryl Sandberg’s Lean In book and related videos. Which distills this problem down to just women not choosing opportunities because they will tend to be the primary caretaker of the children, and thus, they are limited by this.

But the issue goes deeper within women. There are also other factors in work environments that are outside of women’s control that leads to this issue, however, I’ll stick to the factors which, as women, we can more rapidly change. 

Because we can sit here all day and blame factors outside ourselves, however, that will not change the conversation nor what opportunities are available to you. You have to take control of and change those factors within yourself that are an obstacle.

With regards to changing perceptions and the systems in place that propagate the dynamic where women are limited in the level of responsibility open to us, I’d argue that this will only permanently change when women are themselves taking their power back by putting yourself in positions of power - and not waiting for it. As females, we’re good at waiting. We’ve been taught to always wait our turn. And yet your turn never comes. Because this will never be handed to you. You have to go get it regardless of the obstacles.

The women that have made it to the top have not gotten there by chance. Sure, there might have been a little bit of luck in the mix. However, they got there by being brave, going for it, and not for a moment believing the nonsense that’s been fed to us from day 1 from our respective cultures. That we must behave like a female: soft spoken, not opinionated, deferential, and timid. 

Beware. 

What I’m going to share is not an easy path. It’s hard. And it can be lonely because in many ways you will be going against the grain. In many ways, you will find yourself alone in this endeavor. But it works. So you must focus on your end results. 

I’ve studied countless footage of women - even at the top levels - in public forums and compared that to the way male leaders behave in those same forums. I’ve also studied female behavior in peer group scenarios and compared that behavior to male behavior in those same situations.

What I’ve discovered is that we, women, are equally to blame for where we end up in our careers. I’m not pointing fingers; I’ve been equally guilty of these sabotaging behaviors.

I’m by no means implying that we behave like a man or give up everything that makes us wonderfully female. Certainly the world needs more of that softness. However, when it comes to advancing your career and getting into leadership positions, you have one of two choices (1) wait for fortune to favor you and it may never do, or (2) take matters in your hands and implement the practical strategies I list below.

First, I need to make you aware of how exactly we’re sabotaging our own progress:

1. Apologizing 

I’ve watched countless videos of the top women in organizations - even CEOs - do this over and over. Those women were able to rise to the top despite this weakness, but I was astounded to find female CEOS on stage apologizing and exhibiting this behavior their male counterparts would never think of doing. 

I know just how hard it is to stop this ingrained habit; we’ve had it from childhood. Boys were allowed to roughhouse and speak openly if they want, yet girls are encouraged to be sweet, pretty, and always apologize no matter what. So we’ve been conditioned to never upset anyone, to apologize especially when it’s not our fault, that everyone must like us otherwise we’ve failed, and most of all to put everyone’s needs above our desires and wants.

Do you think you leave this ingrained behavior at home? Absolutely not. We don’t stop being who we really are just because we’re at work.

Males benefit from their ingrained behavior because it allows them to drive to the top without any of the internal constraints that women have to deal with.

On the other hand, as females, our career progression is suffering greatly from these ingrained, internal constraints. 

What makes it worse is when we try to break away from this habit, there will be someone above us - whether male or female - that will slam us back to the ground. Subconsciously reinforcing in our minds that we need to keep apologizing to the world. 

Keep this in mind for now, and I’ll explain below how to stop this habit: apologizing is rooted in the emotion of shame. Do you really want to walk around subconsciously living life in the emotion of shame?

2. Unnecessary Humility 

Before I dig into this one, I want to clarify I’m not talking about being arrogant. No one likes to around an arrogant person. 

True and deep confidence is a gentle yet unshakable belief. You don’t have to strut around like a peacock but you can have unshakable confidence in who you are, what you bring, and what you’ve accomplished. No if, ands, or buts. And definitely no apologies. 

You see, no one is going to give you brownie points for walking around belittling your abilities or acting like you’re less than you really are. Almost every female I’ve ever met or seen speak publicly does this. Only 1% of females don’t do this. So again, we’re the ones shooting ourselves in the foot.

Again, we do this because it’s been ingrained in us since childhood. Boys are allowed - even encouraged - to brag. Girls are told it’s not kind or nice to do so. 

But it’s time to break free. 

3. Caring What Others Think of Us 100% of the Time 

This is a big one because it means we’re acting based on a measuring stick from outside us, rather than using our own internal guidance to lead the way. 

This is such a big dynamic, yet we don’t even realize we’re doing this. It just happens automatically. 

Again, I’m not implying we walk around as females being nasty human beings. What I am saying is we’ve got to stop seeking guidance from outside ourselves, and listen to our own guts. We’ve got to be driven by what we want out of life rather than by what others expect us to be.

This one is particularly damaging because it keeps us from speaking up, from going after opportunities or projects we want, and it makes us doubt our own abilities. It is completely paralyzing and debilitating. 

Image Credit: smosh.com

4. Not Understanding or Having Full Faith in the Value You Bring 

Cross-culturally, more is expected from females. We’re taught we need to be perfect, and only then will we be good enough. The problem is, there’s no such thing as perfection, so we’re endlessly chasing this ideal all the while believing we don’t bring great value, regardless of how much we’re contributing and how hard we’re working.

In contrast, our male counterparts come in already believing in their value, so it’s a natural up hill progression for them. 

I list below specific ways you can start to change these ways you are sabotaging your own career growth. Since this is an issue that is thousands of years old, this is a topic I’ll continue to write about. You’ll need a constant stream of information on this to keep you continuing to change these ways you’re self-sabotaging, so follow me to get notified in the future.

In each of the above four obstacles, I could go into each into more detail to tell you how to remove that belief or behavior. However, that won’t work for lasting impact. In order to remove conditioned sabotaging beliefs, the most impactful way to do that is simply adopt powerful and effective healthy beliefs and habits. In time, these new behaviors will remove those old sabotaging beliefs. Make sense?

It’s not unlike building up your immune system, which then does the job of beating out the bad guys. So I’m helping you build up your immune system of new, positive, effective, powerful beliefs - which will then eventually push out the old sabotaging beliefs. Good in, bad out.

This is Your New Career Immune System:

Exercise 1 - Obsession: builds confidence rooted in deep knowledge & expertise 

When you become obsessed with your work and becoming the top expert in your area, then you are leveling the playing field in your favor fast. Not only does your obsession help you forget to act in the self-sabotaging ways listed above, it allows you to be able to shine and stand out based on the great work you're producing.

Additionally, your confidence in your abilities and the value you bring will sky-rocket as you become more and more of an expert. The best way to become an expert is to become obsessed by what you do - and this obsession, or passion, will be the engine that will keep driving you a little bit further till you've covered massive ground.

Exercise 2 - Always have control of your emotions, and more importantly, your words 

In a culture and day and age where we're encouraged to share all the details of our personal lives on social media, we are conditioned to do so at work as well. And, of course, we do so because we also want to bond with our colleagues - which in itself is a great thing. But we forget that work and being professional are more than going in and doing a job or producing results. You are also building your future career by the current actions you take. If you want to play this game at the highest levels one day, you've got to start training yourself now on how to be strategic always at work.

There's no room for engaging in lower behaviors such as gossip, negativity, or other people's problems. Your colleagues are better served taking those issues to trained therapists or human resources anyways, because as much you wish to help them, there's nothing you can do for a colleague in helping them fix their personal or even work issues.

You've got to focus on your long term goals, and the only way to get to where you're going is to focus 100% on the work and not get slowed down by office politics. If the work environment created by the company is the problem to start, then either you or colleagues always have the option to leave. You will never solve the environment issues by huddling around talking about it.

And anyways there's also a better way to bond with colleagues. It can be shared passions at work or team building activities outside of the office. However, you don't need to spill your guts out in order to get to know your colleagues better or build trust.

I've give you a very strong example. Regardless of how you feel about her leadership, everyone will admit that Hillary Clinton is a phenomenal example of how to always be in control of your emotions - regardless of how tired you are or how rocky of a day you've been having. As a current or future leader, people are looking to you to inspire them with your example. If you're walking around whining, complaining, looking in the dumps, or acting negatively - you'll never be able to effectively rise up in the ranks without these same emotions weighing you down like a ton of lead - greatly hindering your career progression. Furthermore, that type of control allows you to deal with even the toughest of scenarios and pressures with a pleasant demeanor. No-one wants to deal with a stressed out colleague or manager running around like a chicken with their head cut off. It's unfair to both yourself and the team.

I met Hillary Clinton briefly 15 years ago, and was so struck that among hundreds of people there, for that brief minute I spoke to her - she had this ability to make me feel like I was the only one in the room. And she did this with every single person in my group. To me, that is having so much control over yourself and emotions that you can have this effect on others. This is something to aspire to.

Image Credit: fairgodboss.com

Exercise 3 - Remember to smile & be pleasant (within reason). Diplomacy is a very important personality trait. 

The other thing that we cannot lose, as females, as we become more empowered in our careers is that a smile still goes a long way - regardless of your gender. There are some situations and meetings where smiling would be ridiculous, however, when attempting to break new ground and build trust - always remember that kindness goes more of a long way than does roughness or gruffness. If you want others to trust you, you've got to show that you do have their back fully. Where it be the higher ups, your peers, or those who report to you.

And, regardless, it feels so much better to smile at someone that to try to give them attitude. Many females mistakenly believe that to get ahead in their career, they have to be rough, rude, and aggressive. Not only is this largely inaccurate and ineffective, it is very low emotional intelligence. It is characteristic of a person with a low consciousness and lack of true understanding of human nature.

You cannot win by using violence. Violence in words and actions in a workplace is always inexcusable. Instead, you become like a chess player and use your smarts, hard work to grow yourself and career. And your company will benefit tremendously the more you grow.

Exercise 4 - View yourself simply as a human, and take gender completely out of the conversation 

One way to get rid of a broken system is to no longer agree to use it as a framework. Thus, in moving forward, we need to stop getting lost in the gender discussions. It has helped a in the past to have those conversations, but now it is time for full action.

Because we are now at a place where every woman that wants to can create a career of her choosing. Certainly, she may still have to work 100 times harder than her male counterparts, but if every female makes these changes - this creates a wave of massive change where gender is no longer part of the equation for future generations. You'll viewed based on your work and character. Period.

Image Credit: World Economic Forum

Exercise 5 - Never doubt what you want. Write it down everyday to solidify it in your mind and keep you focused on its attainment.

The fastest way to lose your way along your career is to forget what you're striving for. It's easy to do so the deeper into your career you get. So you've got to have a guiding light that will help you cut through a lot of the noise everyday. If what you want changes, that's fine. But the important point is to define it and put it on paper. Writing it every day helps it stay fresh in your mind, so you keep pushing forward and never give up.

Ultimately, if you know what you're going after, it should only take you 7-10 years to start to see the fruit of all that hard work in your career. That might seem like a long time, but it's a small price to pay and part of learning and paying your dues along the way towards your role as a manager, leader, and expert.

However, if you haven't figured out what you want and are just going with the flow, it may take you 2-3 times as long to first figure out what you really want to pursue. And you may never get into the types of roles you'd like. So you'll find yourself settling and not understanding why.

Exercise 6 - Ask for what you want. Just do it. 

Before we go after what we want, we tend to talk ourselves out of it. Or listen to those internal, conditioned voices that tell us that we're not good enough. We don't have enough experience. We don't have enough technical expertise. Blah, blah, blah.

So I challenge you every single week - to do one difficult thing to advance your career and do so before your inner critic has a chance to pipe up. You simply spring into action by always be thinking of where you can add more value or contribute more.

Image Credit: fairygodboss.com

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