The Conversation: Taking Inventory of Our Skill Sets

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a principal who had attended a workshop that I had conducted for school leaders and aspiring administrators. He shared with me privately that he was struggling with a couple of teachers who weren’t fulfilling some basic expectations that he had regarding parent phone calls home for students who were in the D/F range. After reading through his email I asked him to give me a call in order to gather some more information so I could better advise him on some potential options to address his concern.

I openly admit that this is an area where I struggled when I became a principal. I shared with this him that during my first year as principal I had a music teacher in my building who was known to fall asleep on a daily basis during class. I still recall one day when a student walked into the main office asking to see me because he was genuinely concerned that this teacher had passed away in the classroom because she was not responsive to the student voices or taps on the shoulder to wake her (I later learned she had slept through the end of one class and into the beginning of the next class). You can imagine my horror when this particular student shared this with me as I quickly made my way to the classroom. Fortunately, the teacher had not passed away and was alert and talking to the students when I entered the classroom. Admittedly, the information that the student had shared with me was not the first time I had heard such rumors. In fact, it was pretty well-known by students and staff that this was common practice by this particular teacher. So you may be asking yourself at this point that if this was common knowledge by so many, then why had it not been addressed, especially when it comes to the safety and well-being of the students who were present in that class? Truth be told, I had no idea even how to begin the conversation. I was embarrassed for her and reluctant to even bring it up for fear of upsetting her. I had heard the whisperings of others who had confronted her about this previously only to quickly suffer her wrath and verbal abuse. And finally, I was concerned that if I addressed her sleeping in class it would create a cultural issue for me by creating a strain on the relationship between myself and this staff member, potentially leading to a perception among the rest of the staff of me not supporting my teachers regarding complaints brought on by students and parents.

This conversation with this principal took me back twenty-six years to a time in my career where I realized that on certain days I was in over my head as a rookie principal, struggling to survive as I tried to navigate the sometimes treacherous waters of school leadership. However, I was somewhat caught off guard when after sharing this story with the principal he said, “Jimmy, I know that feeling all too well which is why I decided to reach out to you. This is my eighth year as a principal and after hearing you speak, I realized I need to get better in this area.” I have to admit that I felt badly for him. Eight years into his tenure as principal and he was sharing with me privately that he didn’t know how to approach this issue with his staff.

One of the biggest challenges facing school leaders today is navigating a difficult conversation with an underperforming staff member. It is a skill set that most new administrators lack when they first go into the profession. I was no exception. When I took my first principal position at the age of twenty-six, I hadn’t yet developed this critical skill set. In fairness to educational leadership programs, simulating the plethora of responses principals are bound to receive is extremely difficult. Likewise, teacher prep programs face similar challenges when it comes to simulating parents’ responses that teachers are apt to receive when they contact parents. Each response from either a parent or a staff member requires both teachers and administrators alike to elicit an appropriate response back. Many who have attempted to initiate such conversations can attest to the anxiety and worry that comes from the fear of saying the wrong thing. One misstep and these conversations can go sideways in a span of a few seconds. This is a real feeling among educators and in my opinion, eventually leads to both teachers and administrators avoiding these necessary conversations all together.

So, quit being so hard on yourself. The mere fact that you are still reading this post tells me that you want to continue to improve as a teacher or school leader. So, what are some ways that we can begin to address these concerns in the most effective manner in order to improve our culture, rather than damage our culture. Here are 10 ways to help you navigate these potential pitfalls:

1. Be willing to have the conversation knowing that you may not have the right words to say. The first step in developing this critical skill set is to have the conversation.
2. Don’t make any assumptions that you know what the other person is thinking, feeling, or why they are behaving a certain way.
3. Speak from the heart. Be genuine & sincere in your approach.
4. Share with the individual that you hope they appreciate you are willing to have the conversation with them face to face and that your hope is that by bringing this to their attention it will reduce the potential for a bigger issue down the road.
5. Communicate your concern from your perspective and/or experience only. Leave others out of it unless absolutely necessary to share what others have expressed to you and then only with prior permission from third parties.
6. After expressing your concern, give the person adequate time to respond without interruption and listen with an intent to truly understand their side of the story with empathy and without judgement.
7. Don’t get caught up in wanting to be right or “win” the discussion. Stick to bringing the matter to their attention in a kind way so they can become aware of your concern.
8. Don’t feel like you have to resolve the issue in this first initial conversation. It’s okay to revisit the conversation at a later time.
9. Recognize and be prepared that the person may not respond in the way you hoped. Don’t take it personally. They may just need time to process the information you just shared with them.
10. Follow up with this person the next day and remind them again you have their best interest at heart. Trust they want to be better and then show them you still believe in them by working together to support them in their quest to do better.

And finally, always have an exit plan. In other words, if you are still concerned that the discussion may be contentious or you are nervous that you may say the wrong thing or respond in a way that could be misinterpreted, be prepared to remove yourself from the conversation in a sincere and apologetic way. In the video above I share an example of what that conversation could sound like:

“I am so sorry if I have upset you. That was not my intention and for that I am sorry. This is not easy for me either, but I felt it was only fair to bring this matter to your attention. This conversation has not gone the way I hoped it would go and it is obvious I have not done a very good job of expressing my concern because I can see that I have upset you and for that I am truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Could we maybe step away from this and start over and have this conversation again?”

 I believe a sincere and genuine approach can go a long way in addressing concerns or issues with staff. We don’t need to put so much pressure on ourselves by pretending we have it all figured out. Over the years I have learned that people will respect and appreciate us more when we keep it real and recognize our shortcomings, rather than pretend we have all of the answers.

When it comes to having difficult conversations, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Just own your mistakes, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Try that the next time you have to have a difficult conversation and it doesn’t quite go the way you anticipated. You still may fall short of resolving the issue in a way that leaves you feeling positive about the end result, but you will be well on your way to developing your skill set on how to address the behaviors in your organization that are hurting your culture, just like this principal who called me to share his story. All of us in education have a responsibility to take inventory of our learning and to continue to work to improve our skill sets so we can be better for the students and school communities we serve.

Keep striving to live your excellence…every day!