'Conversation' - the key that unlocks just anything

Most of us are literally longing for to witness the post-quarantine environment where we could freely meet and greet people. Last few months of lockdown has changed a lot for many of us both economically and socially. The world may not be the same for so many people as it was some 180 days ago. In some cases, people will be preparing to get into the new work environment i.e. different workplaces, bosses, colleagues, employees and so on and so forth. This situation will compel us to reflect upon the kind of skills that we already have but we might need to refresh those. Leading an effective conversation is one of those skills we may need to look at for now. 

Conversation, as a social construct, serves as a gateway, which if navigated successfully, can lead us to the information or results we want. On the surface, conversation is a simple dialogue of thoughts and ideas, but underneath, it carries rich opportunities to build and strengthen bonds, networks, uncover new information, and present information of our own.

When talking to strangers or professional colleagues, we don't have a lot of breathing room in terms of topics and conversation patterns. We might excitedly tell a friend about a new book you're planning to buy or read, but if you do that to a total stranger, they might just think you're trying to sell it to them. Skilled conversationalists are able to direct any conversation-even an innocuous "hey, what's up" to a place they want it to go.

So, how can we do this? Here are simple five ways to start a conversation with potential to head in any direction we want:

1. Open the flood gate

Strangers are everywhere and we’ve always been told in our childhood: “Don’t talk to the strangers” but I may not necessarily agree to this phrase. Every stranger comes with an opportunity — an opportunity to learn something new from, an opportunity to have an experience we never had or hear a story that we’ve never heard before. And we had those moments. Think that we are in a room or in an elevator with someone we don’t know. What we instantly do? We look across the room or ceiling or mirror in the elevator. When we see a stranger and we want to talk to this person and we can almost hear the first word but it just won’t come out, its kind of get stuck about here, its kind of goes up and down and we don’t know. You know what, here is a piece of advice. Just say it. What’s the worst that can happen? They won’t talk to you. Well they’re not talking to you now anyways.

I truly believe that the very first sentence acts as a floodgate. Once you said it, everything else just flows and follows. So, keep it simple – a hi, a hey, a hello, and do what every good bowler does. Just gather the enthusiasm, the positivity, the energy, wear a big smile and greet the person in your own unique style. No plastic smile please.

2. Cut the crap 

Here is the challenge we face every day, — what happens when we meet strangers, particularly when we are on the move i.e. in public transport i.e. in a bus, train or a cab? What’s the biggest challenge? Honestly if we get stuck in the rut of hi, hey, how are you? I’m fine. What’s going on? Nothing much. Same old. So, tell me what’s new? There you go, 60 seconds straightaway wasted. Go to the next level and ask generic questions. Don’t be afraid. You will be surprised to know how much people are willing to share with you if you just ask. So, ask any kind of personal question. Ask the stranger’s name or how long has he/she lived in this city and does he/she remember the first day arrived here? Answers for those questions are always something unique.

My favorite one to try is where do you come from? Unfailingly every single time I use an online cab, I do this. I ask that question: where do you come from? In most instances what I discovered is that they are mediocrely educated, come from villages, they couldn’t find any decent jobs, neither in their hometowns nor in the cities and end up driving cabs.

3. Find a common ground

Have you ever met someone who starts a conversation like they are starting a debate? Nothing kills a conversation like an aggressive and a negative tone. When you meet someone for the first time, make an effort to find the one thing that you and that other person might have in common. When you start at that point and then move outward from there, you will find that all of a sudden, the conversation becomes a lot easier. And that’s because both of you are suddenly on the same side of something. And that’s really a powerful feeling. Now what could you possibly have in common with a stranger you ask? It could be anything. You’re both in the same place at the same time. Maybe you’re from the same country or city. Maybe you both like the winter or you’re longing for it to rain. When you find a common ground, you instantly have a kind of buy-in from the other person.

4. Learn to pay Compliment 

Maya Angelou once said: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” So, be generous and go out and give someone a nice compliment. So, have you heard about the compliment immunity meter? Let me share a short story: A few years back I met one of Pakistan’s top gorgeous supermodels in Lahore, Pakistan. I looked at her and I instantly gave her compliment: “Wow! You’ve a real good height.” and I noticed there was no reaction on her face at all. I asked myself, how? That’s when I realized she is immune to the word ‘tall’ and may be ‘beautiful’. She’s may have probably heard a similar compliment thousands of times and if she is on the social media, she’s had it a million times today.

There are some words that each of us have developed an immunity to, it could be nice. It could be awesome. It could be cool. Stay away from these 'traditional' expressions. Try and construct a compliment that’s unique and genuine which comes straight from your heart for which you don’t have to lie. Maybe you start with compliment about the person’s eyeglasses, watch, suit or a fragrance that he or she uses. Don’t go to yet another extreme where you see someone complimenting like: “I love when you smile. It’s like, your nose smiles, and then your eyes smile and your ears smile, even your forehead smiles and suddenly the whole person is just smiling. You see, I hope that’s a compliment you’re not going to forget for a while. Pay a unique and a genuine compliment.

5. Stay in company of 'opinionated' people 

All of us have opinions, trust me and we all want them to be heard and everybody wants validation. So, go on and ask for an opinion and that’s when you open up a two-way street. That’s when the real communication begins and you will be surprised how much you can pick up about a person just by asking that opinion on something pretty generic.

Here is the mistake that some people make. They ask your opinion about something really difficult. It feels almost intimidating. So, in a room full of very well-informed business executives and someone was to come up to me and say, so what do you think about the way the sharply dropping oil prices? I will feel a bit cornered. I feel like I might fail and this is an examination and that’s the lesson. Nobody needs to fail at a first-time conversation. Just ask something simple, keep it generic. How do you like your coffee? What type of movies you wish to watch? What did you think of it? And when somebody gives you their opinion, really listen and don’t listen to reply. Listen to listen. There’s a difference.

Conclusion

We are going to end with this analogy. A conversation is like reading a book. You can turn to any page you want. You can flip to your favorite chapter. You can read as long as you want and you can read what you want and every person, trust me, is a really good book. And it saddens me so much that entire human lives are being boiled down to 140 characters and catchy headlines because that’s not what we are. We are not bridge diversions. But we are entire human stories, we deserve more from each other. So, what are you going to do in this big world that we call the library? Are we going to walk around and look at the hard-bound copies and read the titles? Or are you going to actually reach for a book, open a page and start reading a story. You decide.

Learn how sometimes smaller things in our lives make huge impact and you can take some learnings on a personal and professional level by following me on LinkedIn and Evolve HR’s website.

Muhammad Sajwani is the Founder and Managing Director of Evolve HR which aims at transforming, enriching and evolving Human Capital of Pakistan, At Evolve HR thrives in challenging assumptions that hinder organisational aspirations, by creating innovative solutions that yield maximum impact, scalability & benefit to a wider base of stakeholders.