A Conversation? I Need to Have a Conversation?

When I suggest to job seekers that they reach out to someone they don’t yet know to have an informational interview, it doesn’t surprise me that they get a deer in the headlights look. Research shows that over 80% of people are naturally quiet and reserved. So, on average, I’m asking someone who’s generally reluctant to talk to anyone other than people they know, like, and trust to talk with a complete stranger. What a disconnect!

And in today’s environment, it’s even more so. We’ve become accustomed to communicating with emails and text messages, LinkedIn and Facebook posts, Tweets. Words that we read on a screen – large or small.

An informational interview requires spoken words. That’s scary!

I understand. It used to be that way for me, too. I’d watch people have long in-depth conversations while it felt like my efforts to do that fizzled after the first three minutes – every time.

What made the difference? I learned some techniques that can make you just as successful the next time you have or make the opportunity to have a conversation with someone who, up until now, has been a stranger to you.

1. Listen to what’s being said. Too often, we “listen” by thinking about what we’ll say next instead of focusing on what the other person says. When we do this, it shows that we weren’t focused on them. Instead, listen closely to what the other person is saying. When they are done, consider what they said before answering. Silence for a moment or two is a good thing.

2. Give longer answers – but not too long. It’s easy to answer a question with a simple sentence, but you need a new strategy if you want to engage in a conversation. When asked a question, answer it and add a fact about yourself. It gives the other person a deeper glimpse into who you are.

3. Ask the other person’s opinion. People love to give input, so help them out by asking their opinions. It could be about the best restaurants or techniques for setting up a budget spreadsheet. In either case, your conversation partner will relish knowing you value their opinion.?

4. Use their name and look them in the eye. We all love to hear the sound of our name. Use that to engage the other person talking with you. Remember to look them in the eye, as it reinforces that you are making them the most important person in the room.

5. Research conversation starters. The idea of starting a conversation can be frightening. Understand that some people become nearly frozen in fear at the thought of needing to engage with others. Utilize the Internet and look for a few conversation starters. You don’t need many, just two or three. Participants in the Leader Transition Institute ’s Changing Focus: Moving From We to Me receive a two-page list of conversation starters during the networking session.

6. Ask open-ended questions. Yes - No questions stop a conversation dead in its tracks. You’ll get richer answers when the other person can elaborate on their answers. It will be a lifesaver to keep a chat from stalling.?

7. Blurt out your thoughts. People will tell you that I do! Fear of what others think often keeps us from sharing a funny story or an interesting fact. Instead of giving into fear, try blurting out what’s in your head at the moment and see what happens. You may find that others love what you have to say, and the conversation continues. And, if they don’t, maybe they’re just not your people – that happens sometimes.

8. Don’t focus on the outcome. When was the last time you enjoyed a conversation? If you think about it, you may have loved that chat because there was no intended outcome. You were in it for fun, not for a specific reason. Forget the agenda and go with the flow that comes from genuinely engaging in a conversation with another person.

9. Remember, not everyone wants to talk. Most people tend to be reserved and quiet. You’ve read this article, and so you’re ready to have a conversation, and they aren’t. That’s okay. Wish them a great day or evening and move on.

Having good conversations doesn’t come naturally to all of us. But it’s a skill you can learn. Give yourself some grace as you practice and get better.

Do you have a favorite conversation starter? I hope you’ll share it in the comments. I’ll bet we can get some great conversations going from there.