Conversation At Dinner

In our modern age of asynchronous communication— texting, Slacking, Zoom and Twitter—we can forget the simple joy of conversation. At the holiday table, conversation can be a joyful cacophony or a bitter standoff of awkward silence or old grievances. But, we have a choice over which it is.

In my own family, even just among the 6 or 7 who will share the festive dinner, we span the political spectrum. We have an actively volunteering Democrat, adamant Libertarians, moderate liberals and Reagan Republicans. Although we are all smart, critically thinking, and caring—it could easily become open warfare. But it doesn’t.

We are not so much careful as conscious. When a disagreement emerges we nibble at its edges. But if someone begins to act overly defensive, or starts to raise their voice and show the obvious signs of anger, inevitably, the whole group shifts away from the subject.

We are dancing. And sometimes it’s the right moment and your partner dips you. As you twirl away—both of your fingers still held fast—the song fades out. A new song begins, with a slightly different tempo. That’s how it feels. Unexpected, hard and then easy.

It’s not just politics. Holidays are embedded with the past. That too is a pendulum. And like a pendulum, it covers a large emotional arc. and each swing, full of kinetic energy, can open the door to either joy or pain.

It is inherently nostalgic to be together with the people who share so much of your personal history. That can be sweet and funny. My sister and I have been rifling through our father’s belongings as we move him from one house to another. We have laughed a lot as we piece together our different recollections and try to make them into a cohesive whole.

We have also found ways to negotiate the oscillation into pain. No life is painless. No family lacks suffering. Dwelling in the past feel joyful and nostalgic in one moment, and in the next full of trauma. We all faced trauma in our childhoods and adolescents. Some were observable from outside, and others were conjured in the way we perceived the moments as they occurred in our childhood or teenaged minds. But no matter what the nature of the circumstance, we are all damaged. And we carry our childhood scars forever.

Traumas that we continue to nurture become fodder for holiday pain. We can indulge that or we can continually choose to separate our youthful perceptions from our adult experience. You are not your 8 year-old self. You are a fully-formed, self-determining adult. That’s extraordinary. And it gives you the power to transcend your past, and create your present and future.

All of that is going on as you pass the potatoes and cut into the cake.

Holidays are magical opportunities. If you read this newsletter, then you are at work on perpetually developing yourself—as a leader, as a communicator, as a collaborator, a partner and a creator. You get to bring all of that to the complicated moment of Christmas or Chanukah —or Festivus dinner.

Conversation is the medium for expressing our love and care for our families. You can keep that conversation rich, and revealing — illuminating newly discovered facets of those you have known the longest. You can learn what is making your mother’s life special right now, or whether your brother is cooking up a new hobby. I recently discovered that my sister likes jigsaw puzzles and Hallmark movies. That was a huge disruption in my preexisting notions. I relish that new insight.

The holiday dinner is both an obligation and an opportunity. It is a rich repository of moments to work on yourself and to be generous to others. Or, you can sabotage it and ruin everyone’s evening. This is similar to moments at work. Noticing that we brings all of ourselves everywhere we go can be surprising. But the person you bring to Christmas dinner, also attends product meetings. And the same tools are available in each. So choose who you will be with your family.

Will you be the curious, generous servant leader your peers and team know. Or the complaining brother in law who never wants to participate in family activities? It’s always a choice.

If you choose curiosity, grace and generosity, the holidays dinner can be amazing. You can re-discover everyone you already know so well. Learn how your family has changed. Be surprised by your parents, or amazed by your siblings, or get to know your aunt who never says much.

While families share so much past, they also possess so much diversity. Relishing the first and discovering the latter is the greatest gift of the holiday.

Great performers all have coaches—whether they’re athletes, violinists or writers. So, if you’re out to create the unprecedented in 2023, coaching is one of the best tools you can purchase. Schedule a call to chat with me about how your organization might utilize Beyond Better Coaching-as-a-Service for you and your team.