A convenience store conversation exposed my prejudice

I’m generally impressed and pleasantly surprised when someone pronounces my last name perfectly without any prompting. Even more surprised when they know my name is English. But a couple of years ago, I found myself shocked and mortified by my reaction, even though it only occurred in my head.

I grew up in a small agricultural town, where I attended an elementary school that had once been segregated. My school, for about a 30-year period, was where the Latino children in the community were sent, “regardless of their language abilities or rights as American citizens,” according to author John McCafferty, in his book “Aliso School: For the Mexican Children.”

In his second book, Recuerdos, McCafferty writes “… Aliso School was a feeder school to the lemon industry. It was not to the industry’s advantage to have Aliso students become well-educated and eventually move to jobs that paid more than lemon packing and picking and ranch work.”

In a nutshell, I grew up in a community that looked down upon and devalued the lives and contributions of Latinos (mostly Mexican-Americans and Mexican immigrants). In fact, for probably the first 18 years of my life, I mostly heard the word “Mexican” used as a slur. And it never occurred to anyone that some of our Latino population might be from other places besides Mexico.

At some point I came to believe, as a grown-up, white, bleeding-heart liberal, that I had escaped this insidious socialization. Left it behind when I left that town to go to college and experience the wider world. I went on to spend decades working in social service organizations, honing my awareness of inequities, injustice, discrimination, and oppression.

But one day, while paying the bill at a gas station convenience store, I realized that I was not as enlightened as I had imagined myself to be.

The cashier looked at the name on my card and said, “Braithwaite. Is that English?” And I said yes, in my usual surprised and delighted way, telling him most people have no idea what kind of name it is.

But in my head, I was also surprised for the wrong reason, which slowly dawned on me as I returned to my car. I was surprised that this Latino man, with an accent, knew my name was English.

How mortifying to discover that these deep-seated prejudices that I had grown up with were still with me. That even now, despite knowing many Latinos of all socio-economic backgrounds, I still held this unconscious (and now not unconscious) bias.

Why shouldn’t he have known my surname is English? What kind of horrible person was I to assume he must be uneducated, unworldly, untraveled?

As I write this, I have a knot in my stomach, to admit my narrowmindedness. I’m embarrassed. I’m worried about offending my brown and black friends. But this discomfort is a minor blip in the grand scheme of things, and part of my growth as I learn to be an ally and anti-racist.

If it makes me sick to my stomach, why AM I writing this?

Because I want to invite all of my white friends who are struggling right now with what to do, what to say, and how to respond to the racist attacks and to the pain and fear of our friends who are marginalized and oppressed, to start by looking within yourselves.

There are lots of good books to learn from and lists of websites and helpful actions for white people to take. There is no shortage of resources, and you can easily find them all over the internet. (But if you don't know where to find them, reach out and I'll share some.)

Reading a book might take a couple of weeks, so get started now. But looking inside yourself for your own biases, misconceptions, and “pre-judgments” (aka prejudices) can happen as soon as you’re willing.

Who’s with me?

If you read this article and you still insist on saying "I don't see color," or "But all lives matter," you are part of the problem, and it's imperative that you start paying attention to the reality of the lives of people of color, and to how your prejudices are contributing to an inequitable world.

My next action is to read the book White Fragility with a group of friends with whom I feel comfortable exploring these issues.

I've found it hard over the years to speak up about racism. I’ve always been willing to share an article or a post about racism on social media, but I haven’t been comfortable using my own words, because I didn’t feel that I had the right ones. I didn't feel that I had educated myself enough. I can speak all day and night on sexism, women’s issues and gender equity, because of my background and training.

But because I don’t want “hashtag activism” to take the place of actual activism, I’m now figuring out how to say what I want to say (even if sometimes I borrow and quote from others, and even if my own words are awkward and less than eloquent).

So I’ll also be opening up the doors to my annual Speaking up for Change 5-day Challenge in the next few days, because I know there are others who want to speak up about something, but don’t know where to start. Stay tuned for details.

In the meantime, if you’re willing to share an awakening or awareness here (or by message), I’m listening. We’re all human. We’ve all been socialized in various ways, and much of our socialization happens subconsciously.

It's painful and it’s scary to expose our weaknesses to each other, and sometimes we’ll do it wrong and upset people. But it’s necessary, or we will not change this damn world.

Will you join me in searching yourself for your own unconscious biases and then taking action toward change?

Lisa Braithwaite mentors purpose-driven leaders to build visibility, credibility, and awareness for their work through engaging presentations. She’s the author of Presenting for Humans: Insights for Speakers on Ditching Perfection and Creating Connection.

Before launching The LisaB Company, she spent sixteen years designing programs for nonprofits as an advocate and educator. Her work is also influenced by her degrees in theater and education.

She’s been interviewed for the Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Men’s Health, Toastmaster Magazine, and Inc.com. She provides training for companies as diverse as Microsoft, The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation, Massachusetts Association of Realtors? and AgWest Commodities.

Lisa’s philosophy is that public speaking is fun, it’s an awesome way to express yourself creatively, and it offers an accelerated approach to developing an intimate and trusting relationship with your target audience.