The Conundrum of "Being Yourself"
Steve Whiteford
TEDx Speaker, Trainer, Coach - Workplace Humanity through Applied Emotional Intelligence, EQi 2.0, MSCEIT, MBTI, Leadership, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Executive Presence, Mindfulness, SHRM PDC CERTIFIED
The Conundrum of “Being Yourself”
Those of us who love the practices of Emotional Intelligence are seekers and scientists who thrive on a growth mindset and are inspired by personal growth and change. We have a heartiness for self-exploration to mine the gold of self-awareness. We treasure the tough insights because they can be the most useful and liberating. But we’re certainly human. We have our blind spots, stubborn emotional patterns, and skill gaps like everyone else. Yet we value the discoveries, put them to use after braving the pain of facing them, and cherish the results.
The difficulty in trying to engage others in this level of learning is that many people don’t have this orientation. They are committed to maintaining their comfort within the boundaries of their identity.
The desire to “be ourselves” in the workplace can be misunderstood and promote resistance to self-awareness and personal change.
Identity is a natural construction of our brains. As part of our development, our brains record eThose of us who love the practices of Emotional Intelligence are seekers and scientists who thrive on a growth mindset and are inspired by personal growth and change. We have a heartiness for self-exploration to mine the gold of self-awareness. We treasure the tough insights because they can be the most useful and liberating. But we’re certainly human. We have our blind spots, stubborn emotional patterns, and skill gaps like everyone else. Yet we value the discoveries, put them to use after braving the pain of facing them, and cherish the results.
The difficulty in trying to engage others in this level of learning is that many people don’t have this orientation. They are committed to maintaining their comfort within the boundaries of their identity.
The desire to “be ourselves” in the workplace can be misunderstood and promote resistance to self-awareness and personal change.
Identity is a natural construction of our brains. As part of our development, our brains record emotions, experiences, social beliefs, and feedback (which we use) to define “who we are.”
This concept of who we are creates consistent reactions that are difficult to change because we naturally defend our identity. We may believe “being ourselves” means maintaining the assumptions, habits, and behaviors our brain has embedded. Discovering that they don’t work in our workplaces or lives, is like partial death. It may produce an uncomfortable sense of grief, shame, or loss of certainty.
It's normal to become very committed to our somewhat arbitrary wiring. And no matter how aware we become; our brains will continue to create an identity. Because of this, even the best of us take on many of these cognitive errors. We believe they are integral to our personality and justify them as integral traits. Over time, we become blind to the behavioral permissions we’ve given ourselves. They are us. And we defend them.
Unchecked, these personal beliefs and habits locked into our identity create the aggressive interpersonal conflict that erodes team, management, cross-functional, and leadership communication. To confront them is culturally taboo. It’s seen as a personal attack and is rejected as an unfair violation of privacy.
The greatest act of “being ourselves” is to own our vulnerability and self-awareness while taming our unnecessarily defensive and aggressive behaviors. We are also ourselves when we appreciate our characteristics not based on patterns and prejudices, and find joy in supporting others, constantly improving relations, and loving what we do.
In many esoteric traditions, periodic confession and forgiveness is an effective practice for discovering and releasing these roadblocks. There are so many things that would be easy to solve if we could embrace the willingness to face ourselves honestly for the benefit of others.
For instance:
Notice how you judge them and release any habitual feelings that confirm your judgment. “They’re lazy, stupid, arrogant, pretentious, brown-nosing, etc.”
ü? Start noticing what you feel when you’re around them. Be honest about the emotion – envy, disgust, intimidation, annoyance, unworthiness, fear, anger?
ü? Explore the basis of the feeling(s). What is the cause of emotion? What is the threat or loss to you?
ü? Consider the effect of holding on to your judgment and experiencing that feeling.
o?? How does that affect interpersonal ease and productivity?
o?? How do you benefit from it? A sense of being right? Superiority? Self-protection from a feeling or loss of power, superiority, or identity?
?? Try letting them off the hook. Find and practice seeing a legitimate positive quality in them.
?? Lessen your reaction to them by identifying the antidote to your habitual feeling. For instance, choose curiosity, enjoyment, caring, or appreciation, instead of the uncomfortable feelings listed above.
This concept of who we are creates consistent reactions that are difficult to change because we naturally defend our identity. We may believe “being ourselves” means maintaining the assumptions, habits, and behaviors our brain has embedded. Discovering that they don’t work in our workplaces or lives, is like partial death. It may produce an uncomfortable sense of grief, shame, or loss of certainty.
It's normal to become very committed to our somewhat arbitrary wiring. And no matter how aware we become; our brains will continue to create an identity. Because of this, even the best of us take on many of these cognitive errors. We believe they are integral to our personality and justify them as integral traits. Over time, we become blind to the behavioral permissions we’ve given ourselves. They are us. And we defend them.
Unchecked, these personal beliefs and habits locked into our identity create the aggressive interpersonal conflict that erodes team, management, cross-functional, and leadership communication. To confront them is culturally taboo. It’s seen as a personal attack and is rejected as an unfair violation of privacy.
The greatest act of “being ourselves” is to own our vulnerability and self-awareness while taming our unnecessarily defensive and aggressive behaviors. We are also ourselves when we appreciate our characteristics not based on patterns and prejudices, and find joy in supporting others, constantly improving relations, and loving what we do.
In many esoteric traditions, periodic confession and forgiveness is an effective practice for discovering and releasing these roadblocks. There are so many things that would be easy to solve if we could embrace the willingness to face ourselves honestly for the benefit of others.
For instance:
Notice how you judge them and release any habitual feelings that confirm your judgment. “They’re lazy, stupid, arrogant, pretentious, brown-nosing, etc.”
ü? Start noticing what you feel when you’re around them. Be honest about the emotion – envy, disgust, intimidation, annoyance, unworthiness, fear, anger?
ü? Explore the basis of the feeling(s). What is the cause of emotion? What is the threat or loss to you?
ü? Consider the effect of holding on to your judgment and experiencing that feeling.
o?? How does that affect interpersonal ease and productivity?
o?? How do you benefit from it? A sense of being right? Superiority? Self-protection from a feeling or loss of power, superiority, or identity?
?? Try letting them off the hook. Find and practice seeing a legitimate positive quality in them.
?? Lessen your reaction to them by identifying the antidote to your habitual feeling. For instance, choose curiosity, enjoyment, caring, or appreciation, instead of the uncomfortable feelings listed above.
?