The Continuous Courage Needed for Change

The boisterous protests we see across our airwaves and social media are forcing uncomfortable but necessary discussions. They raise a collective consciousness which helps a broader community define any given problem more clearly. And in this Age of Rage, social movements offer hope that change is possible and within reach. Too often however, it feels as though our efforts lead to false starts, which gives rise to the question of how to make change real and sustainable. 

Along with Hong Kong psychologist Dr. Susan Mistler, I’ve been conducting ongoing qualitative research on human change because every day we are faced with courageous clients seeking to affect change in their lives. While the topic of change is not new, the solutions promoted by today's thought leaders are more worthy of a chapter in a book than a book itself. Headline-grabbing change-evangelists make a fortune imparting platitudes, but living change and facilitating people through it are very different things indeed. As a result, there is an enormous gap between how people believe change occurs, how it actually happens and how we process our false starts. 

Meaningful change rarely comes over night, because it does not arise from momentary indignation (public or private) or from a pep rally. When change does not happen on the heels of such voluptuous emotions, people feel defeat, and this discouragement pulls at the part of our psyche that lives in hopelessness. A lack of control over the efficacy of our vulnerability and emotional expression leads to a sense of victimhood, of not being heard or understood, and with that comes paralysis.  

Sustainable change takes a quiet and consistent courage that does not play well on CNN.  It involves the integration of who we were, who we are and who we want to become. This process cannot be conveyed in "neat" enticing, media-ready personal stories, nor understood with the gnat-like attention that we now engage one another. And an over-reliance on icons itself is problematic. Case in point, it took the suffragette movement 60 years to succeed because its icons’ infighting almost had them Queen Bee themselves to death. The movement's true visionary, Lucy Stone, is a name you’ve likely never heard. 

The actual process of change is focused, frequent, determined and not without some discomfort. So here’s the hard-to-read news first:  Change comes down to a regime of small cumulative shifts. It’s work. There’s no theme song. And the process is not linear, as the "grit"cliche leads us to believe, but rather circular with stops, starts, hesitancy, steps backward, doubt and even stagnation. Because of the work involved, most people will have to “Hit Rock Bottom” to genuinely get their change on.  

So for about 50% of us, things have to get soooo bad that we are forced (or forced into) change. It could be a near heart attack that facilitates dietary change, a near-mortally abused spouse, a credit-card addict facing bankruptcy or an alcoholic whose disease leads to such profound shame that change is the only option. Another 20% of us stay in a state of paralysis; knowing change is needed but confused by the "how tos", trapped circling around change, never quite putting it in motion.

The good news is that a small percentage of us anticipate the need for change long before they get anywhere near Rock Bottom. This group does not "do" paralysis well, feeling a heightened sense of discomfort when trapped there. We call them Epic Shifters and we can all learn a thing or two from them.  

Here is some of what we have noticed about Epic Shifters:

1. They might be a victim but they do not operate with the mindset of a victim.  

2. They know the big secret – that thoughts are the main source of our suffering and can be changed to work for improvement.

3. They have a mindset of choice and possibilities. They see options not dead-ends.

4. They have a strong internal locus of control. In layman’s terms, they believe they have the power to affect change in their lives.  

5. They do not use their energy to reinforce a helpless cycle of blame. They happen to the world instead of the world happening to them.

6. They are more attached to what they want to create and care less about the approval or acceptance of others.  

7. They deeply engage in mindfulness and/or reflection and appear to have higher self-awareness compared to their peer groups. 

8. They accept where they are starting from, and know they may need to seek guidance from others to facilitate the change they need.

Everyone has genuinely been a victim of something, some worse than others. Anger, sadness and defiance are natural emotions that also are self-preserving. Outrage and/or the call for change can bring people into a fold for a while. Whether it is a public rally or gal pals drinking wine and commiserating, these activities can make for new found connections with temporary meaning. And none of this is bad. But it is not the same thing as sustainable change that is owned, lived and shapes us into a new version of ourselves.

Some people are working on change for themselves, others are working on it for their communities or countries.  We cannot dictate what the media shows, but we can raise our awareness around how change happens. We can use schools, communities and corporate bodies to teach and show what change looks like. We can get real about the essential elements change requires of us.  

We will continue to publish our findings around change. And if you would like to participate in our change study and live in Singapore or Hong Kong, please send us an email at [email protected].

Andrea Kennedy, Certified Financial Planner & Dr. Susan Mistler