Be content to be you

Too many people have too little self-regard and too much anxiety. They miss out on happiness by comparing themselves to an imaginary ideal so they always fall short. Social media is often blamed because it exposes us to airbrushed images of impossibly talented, beautiful, wealthy people, but it only amplifies a problem that has always existed. It’s human nature to compare ourselves with the people around us. If we never had feelings of inadequacy or imperfection, we might never be motivated to improve ourselves and might never become the person we should be.

The problem is that instead of aiming to achieve our own potential, we compare with others and try to achieve theirs.

When you spot an area where you think you could improve, you may feel motivated and set realistic goals, then learn and practice, and as you improve and achieve those goals, you will probably feel a well-earned sense of achievement, maybe even get a nice certificate for your office wall, or a trophy that gives you an emotional boost every time you look at it. If instead you set unrealistic goals, targets you can never hit or to be someone you could never be, the result might be endless disappointment, jealousy, anger, even hatred of someone who has achieved them, or simply a feeling of life being unfair or a constant self-nagging that you are never good enough.

Every day, thousands of coaches motivate people to set ambitious but realistic goals and work with them to help them achieve them. Thousands of courses can help you improve too. With well-targeted advice, education, encouragement, guidance and feedback and often via hand-holding, a hug or a smile, coaches, mentors, family and good friends help and inspire very many people to be more than they ever believed they could be. However, like most good things, it’s possible to overdo it. You could spend a whole lifetime in constant self-improvement towards a target that is always receding, running endlessly towards the horizon, never sitting to enjoy where you are.

Like many things, getting a healthy balance is key to achieving happiness. You can have a dream, set goals, work hard, achieve them, then sit back and enjoy the fruits of your achievements, knowing you became the person you wanted to become and did the things you wanted to do. Or you can aim too high, never achieve your dream, label yourself a failure and be constantly miserable.

So, happiness, or misery? Amazingly, it’s your choice.

Don’t try to be someone else - that’s their job. Focus on your life, not theirs

There will always be someone smarter or more creative than you, or more popular, or more energetic, or better looking or richer, but there will only ever be one you. In the whole history of humanity, you are unique. Whatever advantages and disadvantages you were born with, whatever life has given or thrown at you, only you can become the best version of you, nobody else can. The chances are you have a pretty good idea who you are. That is your starting point, today, and every day. Wherever you’re going, start from where you are.

Be willing to improve, but ….

Pick your battles

You know your faults, and you know which ones you could fix if you really wanted to. Be honest with yourself. You could work at fixing them, or some of them, or even just one or two, and if you do, you will become a better person for it, with all the emotional rewards that will bring. But don’t waste time and effort and emotional energy trying to fix things that are so deeply embedded in who you are that you can’t change them. You won’t win, so focus your efforts elsewhere.

Manage your load

You don’t have to do everything. Don’t fool yourself into doing more than you ought. You may tell yourself that you have no choice, take on that extra work, then enjoy playing victim to yourself or anyone who will watch, and enjoying feeling miserable. It is a sort of enjoyment too isn’t it, albeit a perverted one? It’s a psychological game. Poor me, ain’t it awful? Well, if so, then enjoy it, make a hobby of it, play victim until you’re bored with it. Then tell yourself that being happy is actually more fun than enjoying being miserable. Yes of course there are things that you really have no choice about, but if you’re honest, there are also some that you could actually avoid or decline or pay someone else to do. Keeping your load to a level you can cope with goes a long way to staying happy. It doesn’t matter if someone else seems to do more with their life, squeezing more in. Your life is yours to live how you want. You don’t have to live it the same way as some other people live theirs.

Stay within your budgets

If you don’t stay within your financial budget, you may drift into debt with the misery that can bring. Your personal energy budget and emotional budget are just as important. Going outside them briefly is fine, and occasionally pushing limits is healthy, but you can’t do it for too long or you may get into a downward spiral. Recognise your limits and stay inside them or be content to occasionally stretch them carefully for a while. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Everyone needs help sometimes. It’s quite normal.

You could take that course, or start that company, or learn that new skill. You could. But first, run it through that enormous computer simulation in your head that represents all you know about you. Would you enjoy it? How much? Would you cope easily or really struggle? Would it cause you financial difficulties? Would it take too much of your time? What about its emotional impact? Would it really drain you, or invigorate you, or somewhere in between? Do you have enough energy, or enough spare money in your account? Make sure you take account of all the other things you have on. Maybe you could do it another time? Maybe you could drop other things to make space if you really want to go ahead?

Often someone else will want you to go for it. Coaches might push you to do it. Maybe your boss or your partner or your kids want you to. But it is your life, your situation, your choice, not theirs. You think it through, and you decide.

Be content with who you are

When you know who you are, and you recognise your faults, and you know what you’re doing to fix the ones you can, and you accept the rest as being a part of who you are, then be content. You’re fine. You’re on your way to some managed personal improvement, and on schedule, or close enough anyway, but right now, you are already OK, you’re good enough. Look at yourself and tell yourself that. You are good enough, you’re fine, you’re OK. Walking in your shoes, from where you started, with what life has thrown at you, you’re doing just fine. Nobody can reasonably ask for more. If they can do more, good for them, but they aren’t you. Accept yourself. Accept who you are. Love yourself. If you’re fortunate enough to have people who love you, accept their love and be grateful for that too. Be content with doing what you can to be a good enough version of you.

Be grateful

Maybe the last thing you want is to keep a ‘gratitude journal’ but thinking positively and recalling happy memories can contribute to contentment and happiness. Gratitude is an easy way of upgrading everyday experiences to happy memories, putting a positive spin on events, extracting their emotional nutrients before they evaporate from memory. Spinning bad things helps reduce their harmfulness. If something bad happens, learn what you can from it, or if there is nothing to learn, accept it as part of life, rejoice that you survived it, coped and moved on, stronger for the experience. It still happened, but how you spin it in your memory is your choice.

Treat yourself

Giving yourself occasional treats is important. You don’t have to live sensibly all the time. Be gentle and generous with yourself. You’re a good person, you deserve a break now and then. Forgive yourself for occasional rule-breaking. If you’re dieting, occasionally allowing yourself a few squares of chocolate or an ice cream makes it so much easier, and it tastes so much nicer too when it’s a rare treat. Go out shopping, buy something you normally wouldn’t. You’re worth it.