Contemplating Re-Emergence: My Grief, Growth and Love <UnEdited>

Contemplating Re-Emergence: My Grief, Growth and Love <UnEdited>

"Hey guys, What are you taking with you from the past 15 months?"

This was a recent conversation topic from a Men's Circle I participate in.  And one, that is getting asked in many forums as far as I can tell.    Initially, for me, the question implied the lessons, growth and life changes gained or lost from the pandemic and unfoldings of current day events (BLM for example).

But there was soooo much more for me as I explored this beyond the surface.

First Sadness: My first unobvious noticing was sadness.  I looked a bit more behind some of my concern and apprehension of what is to unfold and I realized I was sad.  Sad because I worried greatly of the high probability of getting caught-yet-again, in the ever busy, rushed life pre-pandemic.    Sad because there is a real risk of losing so many of these precious moments with my family.   Picnic table lunches every-day with my wife;  zoom call introductions and random play with my newborn daughter;  regular basketball bonding games with my teenage son and lots of long walks to process, ground and just be. 

Is anyone else feeling Sad for losing such moments too? Or was I the only one enjoying many aspects of this time (somewhat guiltily as others suffered so much)?

Then Unexpected Grief:   On a recent spring morning dawn, I walked toward the beautiful cathedral I enjoyed looking at so much,  and tears just rolled down my cheeks. I didn't understand why.  There was nothing I was thinking about that felt highly emotional?!. Then I realized... it was the very essence of who I was that was asking for a proper good-bye.   Allow me to explain...

There has been a lot of personal growth for me in this the past year.   Some real deep and often painful exploration at the way I've been showing up (even after my own inner-revelations and spiritual path afoot).    And with the needed time and space this slower time has afforded me (and some PPP support to not have the normal financial pressures), I feel real lasting change is unfolding.   

Better yet, I learned and am still learning how to grieve my past self.  How to thank my past protective mechanisms for keeping my fragile ego safe, and then how to say good-bye.   Sounds a bit trite, I know. But man, it has been a powerful process.  To really say goodbye to "Aaron the Leader'' who by-passed intimacy and social acceptance by being the boss or leader;  Saying goodbye to Aaron the spiritually superior one that bypassed his own feelings;  Saying goodbye to Aaron the one who of course "knew best" and had a definitive tone and had advice for anyone who'd listen.   Grieving the past Aaron and all his "Protective Subpersonalities'' built from a childhood of needing to be in control.  

It's this real grieving that leads to an embodied forgiveness that clears the slate for me.  A slate that allows for a more lasting and unfolding state of Authentic, soulful Aaron (note: even that is an identity I worry I can get too caught up in).   Maybe Honest, Open, generously Loving/caring Aaron might be another way to say it.  

I forgive you past Aaron, you did the best you knew how.  Now, I need to move on.   Thanks for all the Support.

Finally, Abundance of Love:  I write, in this very moment, cautiously optimistic about following my heart.  Opening up to all the possibilities and being an agent for spreading Love and Connection in the world.  For me,  the hard driven, harder working entrepreneur, those are hard words to come by as a "Mission".    How will I make money?  What is the business vehicle for this?   Do I need to raise money?   ... Alas, old-self,  thank you for the concern. But no thanks.    

I wish to enter this next phase (a bit worried that I am being unrealistic*) without the encumbrances of past ways of fear and control.  A way led by the abundance my heart has to offer.  A path that allows the essence of my being to create the energy of my vocation.  

And surrendering to let the universe allow the means (aka money) to take it's natural course.     I can see no other way.  

So much more to say... and even more curious to what you, and others, are contemplating on this topic or "Re-Emergence" and it's broader implications to life.   Would love to have you join me and some other introspective peers for a Meaningful Conversation this Friday on Zoom.    Can you come?   

And, as always,  I would enjoy reading your comments on these topics to see if i am the only one with these thoughts/challenges.

*A Footnote on Realistic: I have come to find "being realistic" or "reasonable" is my code words for compromising my dreams, my heart and succumbing to fear based mentality.   Mine to own, but societally created.  Moreover, I also have come to believe the current structure of our modern societal values (or lack thereof) is the most "Un-reasonable" way to live.  Unhealthy, out of balance, out of harmony of all things. So I am choosing to be highly unrealistic or unreasonable in a world driven by toxic "reasonability".