"Constructive” Criticism in Relationships Doesn't Work

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I don’t believe you can have “Constructive” Criticism in close relationships, especially between husband and wife.

Criticism kills passion, love and closeness

In the same way Self-Criticism diminishes self-esteem, confidence and overall happiness.

Even in business, surveys and statistical data show that frequent Criticism is responsible for millions of employee sick days, job dissatisfaction and resignations. Which in turn contributes to a decrease in productivity and profits.

Ongoing Criticism between parents and children can lead to built-up resentment, rebellion, rows, and long-term fall out.

Having seen the damaging affect frequent criticism has in a relationship as well as to a person, where an individual loses their sense of who they are and happiness. I wanted to share some insights and new ways of expressing complaints. 

This is especially important if you are someone who really values and needs words of affirmation, admiration and appreciation. As criticism is the opposite of what you need, it is likely you will want to distance yourself, seek attention outside, and even dread seeing that person.

Another mistake equally as hurtful as the criticism can be, is when one in the relationship states: “you’re too sensitive” or “don’t be so emotional” or “you’re over-reacting” whilst you may believe this to be true, it only ever exasperates the problem, it’s like pouring petrol onto a fire. Pain will flame up inside of them and the friction between you may last days, weeks, months or longer.

This is where small disagreements can become long-term grudges and drive a wedge between a couple. To resolve issues like this a couple needs to look not only at the person frequently doing the criticizing but also at whether self-criticism is playing a role. How we react to others and treat others has a lot to do with our own BS, issues, past history and this is a sign we need to work on ourselves, which I will also address below.

Now, I am a realist, that offers practical strategies and recognize that you will always have some complaints about a person you live with. But there is a HUGE difference between a complaint and a criticism. The difference is in how much damage it does to the relationship and person.

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. It does not attack the persons character. For example:

“I’m really annoyed that you didn’t clear up the living room after you last night. We agreed we would do it after ourselves. Could you please do it now?” Like many complaints it has 3 parts to it:

1, Here is how I feel, “I feel annoyed”

2, A specific action, inaction or situation: “clear up the living room”,

3, Here is what I need you to do now, instead, want, prefer “could you do it now?”

In contrast a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings, judgments, opinions about the others personality, character, or intent.     

“Why are you always so forgetful? You never do anything and I hate having to clear up after you all the time. You just don’t care.” 

You can see in the example: a judgment that the person doesn’t care is being made. As well as the use of “always” this is a form of criticism rather than a specific one off complaint. The use of the word never is another.

The statement “what’s wrong with you?”  also is best avoided, as this can turn any complaint into a criticism.

Here are some more examples:

Complaint: “I wish you told me earlier that you were too tired to make love. I’m disappointed and a little frustrated, I guess. Please just let me know next time when you’re not in the mood, I’m fine with a “no”.

Criticism: “Why are you always so cold and selfish? It’s not fair to lead me on. What is wrong with you, maybe you need to get yourself checked out?”

 Complaint: “I get scared when you drive fast. Please can you drive slower, there are so many idiots on the road and driving so fast makes me feel uncomfortable.” 

Criticism: “You’re driving like a maniac again, why are you so aggressive, you are going to get us killed, I cannot stand being in car with you. You just don’t’ think or care about us at all, do you?”

Complaint: “I feel like you’re not interested in me anymore. When you come home, you are always on your phone, lap top or watching TV. I’d love it if you spent some time with me first or we went out and did something. I’d like us to interact and share more.”

Criticism: “Everything and everyone else comes before me. I am always last on your list. Why are you so selfish? Always got your head buried in your lap top or phone, you make me feel like crap and am I that boring? What’s wrong with you?      

 If you are hearing echoes of yourself in these you are not alone, criticisms are very common in relationships. We hear and see them everywhere, movies, sitcoms and comedy shows are rife with criticism and sarcasm. But it is far from humorous when it becomes an every day occurrence. Criticism can destroy love and can also destroy a person’s confidence and sense of self-worth.  

 Using the above 3 part formula, you can learn to state a complaint instead of criticize. The odd one or two that slip out in the heat of the moment is natural but if you recognize it’s becoming frequent you need to take action now. My hope is that through this article you will be more aware of the way you speak to and treat those close to you.

 Change from criticism to complaints and notice the difference.

 But what if you’re not Criticizing but it is being interpreted as such?  

Self-criticism is likely to be sabotaging your relationship in this case. Self-criticism can play a HUGE role in relationship tension, so stay tuned for part 2 coming up next.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S If you found anything in today’ article insightful you may also like to get your copy of my free e-book

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PP.S If self-criticism could be playing a role in your relationship then check out my “Receive Love to Transform Your Relationship VIP Day” click here  https://www.purepeacecoaching.com/relationshipgoals