Considering Dating Someone with Children? Here’s What to Expect!

You’ve met someone new, and you think there might be something there. You’d like to take it further and maybe you excitedly begin thinking about what the future could look like! But there’s a catch- this person is a single parent. You weren’t expecting that and you’re not quite sure what’s it like to date someone with children- especially if you don’t have any yourself. What do you do? What should you expect? How do you navigate a new relationship with not only one person but potentially a family? A whole new world can open up for the single person who starts dating someone with children- especially if you don’t have kids of your own. Here are some of the comments I’ve heard from my childless clients dating someone with children:

"I need to feel that I am special and that my partner is thinking of me. I understand that most time the kids come first but I need to see that he is making the effort for us to have alone time."

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"I really like the idea of being a part of a child’s life since I doubt, I will have children of my own at this age."

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"I must see that the woman I am dating has a good relationship with her ex and that the kids’ interest comes before their own. Also, I need to feel accepted by the kids for me to stick around."

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"My biggest transition was having the kids around and knowing what to do with them."

? But to make a relationship with a single parent better work for YOU, I’ve compiled a few considerations to help you along the way. To successfully date someone with children, you need to have great communication skills and be open to sharing and hearing each other’s feelings. Developing a relationship with one person is hard enough, but adding in kids brings about its own challenges. There will be times when you need to be able to express your needs or concerns, feel heard, and come up with solutions together. Otherwise, resentment will creep in and destroy your relationship. So before anything else, be confident that this person you are considering a future with is someone you can also communicate with.

Dating a single parent means being patient and being willing to sometimes put the needs of your partner’s kids before your own. Your partner will be stretched in many directions, and it can be difficult to understand how hard it is if you haven’t experienced it first-hand. By being patient with them as they navigate a new relationship and being a parent at the same time, you will lessen the burden they may experience. Don’t be put off or surprised by last-minute canceled dates because of a sick child, or an unexpected event to work around. It’s part of parenthood and dating a single parent is a package deal!

Planning when to meet the kids is everything! I recommend you solidify your relationship first before meeting the kids. What is your status? Are you dating exclusively? And is there a projected future for the two of you? Meeting the child(ren) too early could create expectations, dependencies, and potential resentment that your relationship isn’t yet prepared for. Waiting too long however, like say when you are popping the question, is also not good. When you are both ready to accept that having the kid(s) as a significant part of your relationship is the way it’s going to be, then you are ready to meet. You have to be ready to accept the blessings and burdens that come along. The single parent you’re dating needs to be willing to stand up for the relationship, especially if there is a difficult child or ex. And you need to be willing to be patient and understanding in the face of possible rejection or suspicion. This remains true whether the child(ren) is 8 or 28 and with families of their own.

Dating someone with kids takes planning and coordination. Planning alone time with a single parent takes a little more creativity. Babysitters, kid’s activities, an ex’s visitation schedule- these are just a few of the factors to consider when coordinating dates. And as the relationship progresses, you will begin to involve the kids in your time together. This may look like going to the child(ren)’s events or involving them in family-friendly date nights. These are great opportunities to establish a better relationship with the entire family package!

Be prepared that the child(ren) may accept you readily or you may have to deal with some resentment- and that this can switch very quickly. Think of it this way, you may understandably be seen as an intruder, taking the parent’s attention away from the child(ren), or as one trying to replace the other parent. These are both normal reactions when the status quo changes for a kid. On the flip side, the child may embrace the attention of a new adult in their lives, especially if you are engaging and interested in them authentically and not just as a way to get in better with their parent. But acceptance one day, can turn into rejection another (and vice-versa), especially as younger children age and mature. If you are prepared for this, it will be easier to navigate these ups and downs that come with dating someone with children.

Your partner needs to continue to spend quality alone time with their children. Even once you marry a single parent, they will need to be able to have time with their children that doesn’t involve you. Kids don’t stay kids forever and these years are crucial for a child’s sense of security and well-being. Even a person with adult children will be expected to and will desire to have one-on-one time with their kids. Regardless of their age, knowing that their parent still prioritizes them and that they haven’t abandoned them for someone new, is critical. Embracing this for your partner and not taking it personally or becoming jealous of time spent without you will lead to greater contentment and trust in your relationship with both parent and child(ren).

Dating a single parent may mean your partner might expect you to pitch in and help. Maybe it’s feeding time, cleaning up after the children, entertaining the children, or other parent-like responsibilities. Some of this is understandable, especially if you are moving towards becoming a family. However, I recommend you set boundaries for yourself and discuss with your partner what you feel comfortable doing and not doing. Be sure you’re not treated as a glorified babysitter! One of my clients, while dating someone with a young child, came to visit from another city. She was left alone with the child while her partner ran off to do some of his "fun" activities with his friends. She quickly realized that he wanted someone to take care of his kid, more than he wanted to have a true-life partner. She bolted as soon as she understood his real motivation for the relationship.

Then there is the issue of discipline and how much say you have… I can’t give you a specific answer to this, much depends on the age of the children. However, this is an important discussion to have and to resolve early on. Don’t wait until discipline is required to know what role you are expected to play.

When you date someone with children, you have the opportunity to be immersed in a family. I remember when my client Karen started dating Rob. She was in her early 40’s and was considering kids of her own. She hadn’t planned on dating someone with children. However, when she met Rob and got to know his teens, she embraced the possibility of getting involved and being a good role model for them. Her heart to be a mother allowed her to love his kids in ways she hadn’t expected but happily took on. The benefits of dating someone with children are being a part of a child’s life and building a bond that can last a lifetime while having a ready-made family. What I hear from my clients is that it’s not always easy, but if you hang in there becoming a part of the family is very rewarding.

Dating someone with children brings a whole new dimension to your dating experiences. This can be challenging at times, but most of my clients agree, the rewards greatly outweigh the downsides. If you need some support around dating someone with children or want to talk through whether this is for you, then let’s find a time to connect.