A Conservation With A Recovering Anorexic

Last week I got to speak with Helen (not her real name) about her eating disorder and what triggers episodes of extreme calorie restriction.

Here is what Helen told me:

“It’s weird, kind of socially, you have to look a certain way to be accepted as having an ED (eating disorder). Like, in my head, ‘anorexic’ meant being super skinny, like six stone (38kg) and I was never that. But it started when I was about ten or eleven. I really wanted to be slimmer because I realised my body wasn’t like the popular girls at swimming birthday parties. I wasn’t athletic. I wasn’t fat either but kind of normal size. That kind of upsets me looking back, a ten-year-old not eating because of how she looks. How messed up is our society for that to happen? ?

I started not eating meals when I could get away with it, but it didn’t get really bad until senior school. I was badly bullied, not for being chubby, but for being weird. I used to avoid my classmates by skipping lunch. That’s how it starts for a lot of girls. And you associate the relief and control over not eating or coming into conflict with being happier. So food becomes bad. I’d end up bingeing because I’d be doing so much exercise with sport, walking to school and stuff and then having a massive calorie deficit. My mum got so mad at me when she found chocolate wrappers in my bag because she thought I was overeating. (I wasn’t, at all. I remember taking my shirt off in the locker room and having a girl getting freaked out by my ribs.)

A bit of me hoped that if I got pretty I’d stop being so badly teased and in my head being pretty was being thin. Shops and TV definitely didn’t help. Everyone was obsessed with really skinny role models like Kirsten Stewart and I remember wondering why I wasn’t that thin when I ate so little. Of course, now I know that bone structure and muscle mass is a huge part of what shape you are. But at 14 that’s not on your mind. Airbrushing worries me a lot nowadays. In 2009 you couldn’t really photoshop yourself: now everyone can and everyone can see photoshop. Jameela Jamil is such a role model for me on that. She really stands up for so many important topics.

Amy Winehouse looked amazing and fragile and Victoria Beckham and Keira Knightley both look extremely skinny. That was and still is how you should want to look, the press and media were telling you.?

No one really knew how terrifying the thought of eating over 1000 calories a day was to me back then, and why would they? Society knows and recognises EDs more now. We are also more aware of non-anorexic based EDs like binging, bulimia, overeating…I think we are becoming more sympathetic. But we really need limits on how retail and Instagram can market skinniness. It’s so triggering.

I remember being 109lb at 5ft 7 and crying because I felt fat seeing a mannequin in New Look that had thinner legs than I did. I remember thinking “I’ll have to die to look like that.” And that was actually something worth doing to me, I was that deep in!?

I’ve got this disorder for life, and I know that. I’m 26 and this started when I was 10, so yeah, it’s not going anywhere. I just know my triggers and I know I’ll have good times and bad times. I usually end up having a phase every two to three years where I get sick again, and yeah, that is usually triggered by seeing myself looking bigger than the media says I should. That’s really fucked up, as I’ve never been overweight, but there it is. I’ll be okay. My clinic is amazing and my family are so supportive.

If I could give any advice I would say get help straight away. I made the mistake of thinking I couldn’t be sick because I was still at a healthy BMI. Even if you are twenty stone, you can have an ED and that needs addressing before your organs start failing, your teeth fall out and your hair goes. There is nothing sexy about being ill. If you’re embarrassed, please call a helpline. I know it’s scary, but you need to get it sorted out as soon as possible. Talk to your friends. Talk to your family, your managers, whatever. Just don’t make the mistake I did of having to be hospitalised until I got help. I now have to have vitamin tablets every day and my small intestine is screwed up for life. Please be careful out there. Being thin is never worth it, no matter what the media makes you believe.

You are needed and wanted for more than looking hot on this earth."