Conquering the Sweaty Conversation

Few things are more stressful than engaging in a five or ten-minute sweaty conversation. You know the one. The one that you keep putting off because the person you need to talk to is too busy, not a good listener, dismissive, you have to deliver some bad news, or you classify them as a PIA. The one that makes you feel like you have a big lump in your throat when you think about it. That conversation.

I have long said that a difficult conversation done well is an opportunity for personal growth. So what's the formula to getting it right?

No compassionate human gets a thrill out of firing someone. A difficult conversation I once had was informing one of my team that we no longer had a position for her. We had agreed on some goals to help motivate performance, but her heart still wasn't in it. The conversation I proceeded to have was one that empowered both of us and helped her on the journey that she needed to move on to next. Personal growth was achieved for us both.

So what was it that helped the conversation go well?

I wasn't looking to prove anything. In my heart, I love to help people in their journey of life. This was not a conversation for me. It was one for her. An opportunity for her to explore what she really wanted and where she wanted to go next. Were there tears, yes; were there awkward moments, yes; and are we still connected today? Yes.

I knew my goal. My goal was to help my business survive and thrive. To do that, sometimes you must make some hard decisions and face some hard truths. For the business, the department and role in question were no longer viable enough to warrant the costs attached to running it. Was this role still part of the long-term focus of the business? No. If I waited another three months, six months, or twelve months what could the impact be? I knew this was a conversation that had to happen.

Help them be honest with themselves. Having a sweaty conversation means giving the receiver the safe space to be themselves and share what they really want. It means coming with an open, supportive intention and not rushing the conversation. She knew her heart wasn't in it and was human enough to admit it. She was scared of what would come next but was also quietly prepared for it. I'm happy to say she landed on her feet and found a great position that was never close to anything I could have offered her.

Set your judgments and assumptions aside. It can be easy to suppose that people aren't putting in effort because they are lazy, don't care, or are hiding something. When we bring our judgments, we skew our listening to hear only what we want to hear or fail to listen at all. We get ready to pounce at any opportune moment to prove our point. People respect you when you bring better questions, have an attuned pair of ears, and come judgment-free to hear what they are really saying.

If you need to have that sweaty conversation, the best thing you can do is to create a space where people can feel safe enough to be vulnerable; that goes for both parties. We can't control the other person, but we can create the space for them to feel what they need to feel and to speak openly about their fears, and our own. Say things like, 'This is not an easy conversation for me to have; it's kind of out of my comfort zone.' People will appreciate your candor.

We can also create the space to validate them. 'It seems like this is pretty hard for you' or asking them, 'What is really going on for you here? What is it that you need and feel you aren't getting?' Allowing long silent moments while you take some deep, grounding breaths will create the space for the other person to open up, ponder on those questions and feel your quiet support.

The more you practice, the easier it gets. One thing you will learn, though, is that often those sweaty conversations are not near as much about you as you may think. But that's a conversation for another day.

As a coach, speaker, and trainer, Vivien Hudson is passionate about helping leaders reduce stress and improve communication skills. She founded Brain, Body, and Business, a company that uses the latest research in brain and body science to facilitate positive change, effective leadership, and healthy interpersonal relationships. Through her work, Vivien aims to empower individuals and teams to be their best selves in their personal and professional lives, in person and online.