Conquering Subjective Fear

Now, this is an interesting idea. I did not have initially in mind to do it, however, saw fear within myself and said, it's about time to do something about it. One of those self-observatory moments when you see something within that has no sense, whatsoever. You'll understand by reading this post why it may be scary to write it.

Personal stuff is rarely being shared. There's a fear of who is going to see this and so forth. Therefore, this post is going public as a way of breaking that loop, regardless of the hypothetical consequences.

A soft disclaimer: The goal is understanding. The idea of this post is not to judge. In most cases, a pattern of human behavior is to think that others judge as they are writing hard things, while not being able to see the bigger picture. There's even a psychological term called Cognitive Bias that explains such behavior. Moreover, the following article is a subjective experience and therefore, should not be taken personally, unless you see something that might be the same in your life, in which case, welcome.

The last approximate 3 years of my life, could be summed up as one gigantic metanoia. For those not knowing for such a concept, metanoia is basically falling apart, usually triggered by some outside circumstance that you did not anticipate. It's a side effect of a massive shock. It's a soul disturbance that touches you into your core, annihilating everything that stands in the way. Its effects can last for a very long time and there's no chance that you'll ever be the same again. On a funny note, it's a bitchslap that shakes every atom of you, except one. It's a soul call to get shit in order.

In some way or another, we have all experienced it in the last 2 years. It's the feeling of helplessness and just pure fear you're going through. Usually, what we do in these moments, we basically run towards something to fix ourselves in some way or another. Some sort of a patch.

However, with true metanoia, there's no patch. There's basically no way out of it as you're very well aware that you're deceiving yourself and the initial shock was due to seeing it clearly that you're deceived. Therefore, there's no chance you can basically run. You have to go through it all if you care about yourself.

For me, interestingly, it wasn't the first time in my life I had an occurrence like it so it was a true shock as I was already successful (in my eyes) in many aspects and had worked on it very hard for decades to accomplish it.

The initial shock was about me seeing it clear that what I think I am, I am not. It took me around a year to even start accepting it. My whole system was under the existential alert, a crisis while at the same time, I had moments where I had to work, sometimes for 30+ hours in a row. I knew that job is not an issue, my passion for it is not an issue, therefore escaping it, would be a bad decision. So I did not. I never searched for time off or something. The paradox is that I was going through a vomit on all scales while at the same time working for a company that was and still is an amazing place to work at and I'm grateful to have this opportunity.

Bye, bye concepts.

People going through this process, usually end up leaving the civilization, going to Tibet, India, starting being religious, or in newer times, going towards Ayahuasca or some drugs. Basically what you realize (not in the beginning but in the long run) is that everything you think is a concept. That you're a concept of your desires and moreover, most of those desires you have are not yours in the first place but in fact how civilization programmed you to think, behave and so forth. Therefore a strong will and desire were born within me that's interested in knowing only one thing. Who am I! Truth, please.

I wasn't interested in leaving the civilization, changing my girl, job, family, as I was very well aware that such would be an escape. I didn't want a fix. I wanted the truth. Not small truth, but one big-ass Truth, regardless of the cost. If my life needs to end, so be it. I would, and still would die for the Truth. Today more than ever.

One of the deceits at that time that we do is to change the outer world. It's not that the outer world needs to be changed. In fact, it never was. It was all with the fact that at that time, I knew I was a liar, fake. How Osho is saying, inner rebellion is needed, a conscious metanoia.

I knew that the world around me was fake too. When I say world, specifically, I mean civilization. Trees, animals, lands, etc... do not have anything with the civilization. In fact, we gave names to trees, animals, lands so we can identify them easier, however, they are not that!

Civilization is just a concept that is "mutually agreed upon". For most of us, it's not something we agreed upon, but in fact, we were born into it. It happened to us.

Nationality, flags, etc... are here to separate us. They are mutually agreed concepts. Have nothing to do with the reality of things. Have you ever heard of the term divide and concur?

A person is a lie. Persona comes from the greeks theatres. It's called a mask. Sadly, today we use the person to describe us. It's fake. Concept.

Today I know my name is just the tag that was given to me. Today, I know to an extent I am not thoughts, emotions, feelings. I'm not even I. Even I is a description and not what I truly am. This can feel like it's insane, and to a point it is. Long story short, do not trust this if you're interested, do not conceptualize. It's a trap. Something within is behind all of it. It's nameless and changeless. That's the pointer.

Love, family, friendships, relationships of any sort, work, fell apart as well.

Call it a bon voyage. A grand disillusionment started and is still ongoing, and for who knows how much longer.

While falling apart, you see it as a disaster. Eventually, you find that behind that disaster you think is going on is, Grace is and you're just unable to see it and accept it.

The Path

At the beginning of the process, I started reading and watching lots of today's Gurus as well as old, ancient such as Hermetica, Buddhism, Taoism, etc...

Every fiber in my bone didn't want to go into spirituality at all. To me, all of it, including religions is just a horsecrap as much as most of today's spirituality. It's basically another way of making a profit while keeping people asleep. A way how people escape reality. This is not to judge, whoever wants it, go ahead, please, it's your responsibility and choice and I am not here to point a finger at you. In fact, I'm not even speaking about you.

Basically, nothing really satisfied my hunger. I knew I had to go older, I had to figure out, find some clues that might explain what the heck is going on and how to get out of this mess that I'm in. Lucky, after some time, I found a group of some people that I will not speak about.

With it, I've discovered another approach, called the Fourth Way. Initially, I've come across the P.D. Ouspensky book called "In search for the miraculous". Ouspensky while searching met a Greek-Armenian spiritual teacher George Gurdjieff. If you feel some sort of a call, please be advised to NEVER trust but instead, practice and confirm for yourself everything you're reading.

While I was happy, ecstatically crying that I'd finally found some solution. The same solution backfired and pointed back at me.

It has shown me that my worst nightmares are in fact, defacto what is going on and a way out.

I wanted to escape through the teaching as the shock was strong. What I've learned is that THERE IS NO ESCAPE. Now deal with it, sincerely, Life.

Spirituality and miss-conceptions

There are a lot of miss conceptions going around the world wide web today and it's not that someone is guilty, it's not about the Church and some of the highest ranks of "elite" in the world has screwed us over by not giving us the information.

All of the necessary information is out there, available. If you know how to search for it.

No one is, in fact, guilty and the sole hunt for the guilt outside of myself is just showing me that I am escaping to clash with the reality of the things. I've confirmed this too many times and will confirm many more times in the "future".

Future and the past are mental concepts. Past is what happened, future is what we wish that it happen instead. There's only this very precious ever-existing present moment. Now. Now, is as well word. Instead of conceptualization, feeling it is necessary to understand.

It's the meaning that we give that makes 99% of the things we do alive. As more of us make the same meaning, it becomes a law! It's a screwed-up situation and the reason why I am almost completely confident that this version of the civilization is just a ticking bomb. Sorry, I see the world going on, civilization, I see go into even deeper sleep and destruction.

If you wish to know something, you cannot know it by gathering new information about it only. You have to put it into practice.

Understanding is different from thinking that you understand. Only by practice you can know and know for certain. It's not in the mind only, it's in the being. Our own being is what can understand. Both mind and being need to be in balance.

We think that by attaching to something, we're free. No. We are not. Attachments are the root cause of most of our issues.

Let's consider war and protests. By protesting, people mean that they are free. No. They're just outplayed altogether and in a greater prison at the same time. By protesting to the war, greed, whatnot, all that you're doing is just giving the energy to the initial idea, making the initial idea, war much stronger. As soon as you remove the energy from protesting and just go your own way, not giving any attention to it within yourself, wars, as well as many other things, are gonna just evaporate as there is no fuel for it to continue. It's gonna suffocate of its own craziness and disappear.

Within myself, I saw hypocrisy about it. Within, I am as well in the war, and I am blaming outside to be in the war. First, resolve war within yourself and then you will be able to say I do not want war.

Outside forces are just playing the game. It's all a show like Allan Watts is saying. It's all a show and we are so much into it, attached.

So to me, going somewhere "spiritually" means that I have to find what is not true and dissolve the illusion. I am not capable of knowing, being the truth if I am not able to remove everything from my life that is not true. By remove, I mean on the detachment from within. I don't think about changing the outer circumstances.

What I've confirmed is that by changing yourself, you change the outside. What is no longer valuable, will fall and go apart from you. What stays, will be appropriate and at the same or similar level with you.

Being awake. "Spiritually awake", is not some high fancy fantasy. It means being SOBER from everything that is not you! All your negativity, fantasies have to go away! Detachment. That does not mean you cannot do something, it just means you are not attached to it nor to the outcome of it.

If for example, people saw relationships as not a place where they are going to find themselves in others. If they were able to communicate and not point fingers and dump their own imaginations and beliefs onto others while expecting others to be what they think they should be. If they were able to see the person and accept the person that they are while accepting the person on the other side... If people first and foremost, loved themselves and understood that they are self-deceiving if they think otherwise, "relationships" would be much different. It would be a joyous thing. Peaceful. You would not need to tag it. You'd not need to mary to "save" or "prolong" or "follow". You'd just enjoy it. If not, you'd separate and no harm done.

It means meeting who you are. It means being a balanced human being. Not some alien, but human. For the first time in your life. That is the meaning of being awakened to me. It's not a concept, a fantasy you think you are that is going to be awakened. That is going to "die".

So the next time or if in the future you see people talking about the frequencies, about cosmic consciousness, about dimensions, and who knows what. Next time you see people running to do anything, see it. Do not judge it, as greater plans are here that we do not know anything about. These people are just having a wild ride in their dreams. It's not bad. It's designed when time is right, to dissolve. It's just the thing they choose. In reality, lots of us just think we know something. We know nothing. I can for myself at least say that. And especially when we know something, we want to fix things. By fixing, who is saying that we're not breaking it even more?

Advice is not to start any process on your own as in the beginning, we do not know what we're doing. I'll give a bit of advice below as now that I've shared all of this above, I do have the responsibility at least to give some pointers that I've learned on a hard way. If you're interested in this, test it yourself or forget all about this.

Anything even remotely "spiritual" is going to make you be responsible. Responsible for yourself, for your actions. It's going to push you to be aware, present, and unattached! It's going to push you to stop with any sort of philosophy, drama, pointing fingers, etc... You are alone in this.

Due to philosophy, this is my last post like this for a very long time. It's not in words, it's in the actions. I have the intention to live it. Not to talk about it.

Plenty of people around the world are just talking about it and doing nothing to live it. Due to the responsibility to myself, I have no choice nor do I want the choice.

Pointers

• Love yourself. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else.
• Find out for yourself if the negativity you share with others is truly you. Does it control you? BE cautious with this. Very slowly as you have no idea what you are changing. Meet yourself first prior to any changes.
• Be kind to yourself.
• Face yourself. If you need help, search for it. Don't be dumb to say you can do everything yourself. That's ignorance and overconfidence. Sometimes help from someone who went through the process can save your life. Literally.
• Relax! It's all a show and don't take yourself so seriously nor outside circumstances.
• If you're in a mood like I was (and still am to a point) to fix yourself, just stop fixing yourself and instead focus on breathing and just BE WITH YOURSELF. Avoid judging, blaming, or in any way interacting with what is going on within you. Learn to do it. Be patient. Learn to be patient.
• Stop blaming yourself or others. Be responsible. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Be responsible for yourself! Be selfish here. Do not wait for others, wait for no one.
• Meditate. Which basically means to be PRESENT with everything that is going on within you and outside of you. Be here. Now. Practice it.
• Ask yourself as much as often as you can Am I aware? Feel it, be with that feeling. Feel it through all of the cells of your body. 99% of the work is exactly here. This is the FOUNDATION and what you're searching for. This is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. The basis for our stability and the basis of everything that will come. Without it, may whoever is being with you. It won't end well. In other words, REMEMBER yourself.
• Enjoy the time with yourself. Lay down for example and just be with yourself. Discover what is not changing. What's always the same regardless of the body, mind reaction. You're in surprise with this. No words are gonna ever describe it.
• Think, feel if it's right, decide and do it. More you think less is going to happen. You cannot know what the future holds with any decision. You can only have a goal. The path between the beginning and the goal can be totally different from what you are thinking it will be. In most cases, it won't be what you're thinking.

The paradox is that I was searching for a lot of things how to fix, and now, when I am leaving the fixing myself and reminding myself that Am I aware? feeling it as best as I can, as relaxed I can be, naturally, most of my issues are dissolving.

Anyway, it's a long story. Just words, that might be some of the pointers. None of the truth lies in the words that I've written. Only pointers.

And if you've read to this point, well, thank you! Hope it was at least a bit insightful.

Adios!