Conquering My Demons – Overcoming the Fear of Failure

Last month’s article on Accepting Failure struck a chord. My inbox was filled with messages. Some people sent messages of encouragement; still others felt that I had only touched the surface and that the conversation was incomplete. Turns out, the fear of failure is a fairly common feeling. Everyone has a story to share. We can all relate. It got me thinking, why is that?

We are not born with a fear of failure. Neither are we born with a desire for success. At best, our childhoods are motivated by a need for approval and acceptance – approval from our parents and elders, acceptance from our peers and contemporaries. At some level, we all seek validation. Our definition of Failure or Success is defined by the people around us.

Failure can mean different things to different people. I have dropped more balls than I have caught. I am scared more often than I am brave. I talk myself out of half the things because of self-doubt.

“Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result. It’s vulnerability that breeds with self-doubt and then is escalated, often deliberately, by fear.” – Michelle Obama, Becoming

Failure has many meanings. Something can seem trivial or grave depending on which decade of your life you are inhabiting. When we are younger, we tend to be more daring. The world is our oyster, and we can do no wrong. Call it the folly of inexperience or the optimism of youth but this devil-may-care attitude is the source of many of our adventure stories. As we grow older, we spend precious time trying to recapture that feeling of invincibility. 

For me, fear comes in stages. When faced with new, unfamiliar territory my initial reaction tends to be the same.

1.     I feel self-doubt – Can I really do this? Am I actually thinking of taking this on? But I don’t have the knowledge/resources/time…fill in your blank. The mind throws out many obstacles – some real, others imagined. At this stage I just make a list of all the reasons I think why I cannot do this new task. The act of acknowledging my self-doubt helps me counter it too. It helps me come up with strategies to deal with the self-doubt.

2.     I feel overwhelmed – After making the list, when I do embark upon the task, very quickly there is the danger of feeling inadequate. What was I thinking? Have I bitten off more than I can chew? I feel like an imposter! It is critical to power through this phase. I usually reach out to a friend or a mentor and talk to them about what I am feeling. Sometimes I am looking for advice, a pep talk, a listening ear; other times I just need some tough love – “Snap out of it”, they say.

3.     I feel semi-confident – Not giving up mid-way is half the battle won. Many a time I have found that if I persevere, the universe aligns itself to provide. Help comes from unexpected quarters, in unusual ways. Surprising me. Humbling me. I feel I can actually do this. The budding confidence is a welcome reprieve.

4.     I feel accomplished – Upon completing the task, I feel this amazing sense of relief and accomplishment. The actual outcome has nothing to do with it. I may have failed or succeeded in my task, but the joy comes from knowing that I started something new and that I saw it through. I faced my fear and I continued on my learning path. Win/lose – this experience taught me something invaluable.

Accepting failure means sacrifice, discipline and most importantly taking responsibility. The problem with failure and the fear of it is that it distorts our perception. If I let myself be led by the fear of failure, I lose sight of my goal. If I focus on the fear and self-doubt, I limit myself and become part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The feeling of hopelessness overpowers the Vision, the reason why I started in the first place.

In Bhagvad Gita, one of the learnings that Krishna imparts upon Arjun is do your duty, but do not concern yourself with the outcome. And what this says to me is all I can hope to do today, in this moment, is to tackle the task in front of me…and do it well. Break it down into micro-steps and take it up one tiny step at a time. And that’s how I battle those inner demons – by talking myself into things, not out of them. This helps me identify what will I need to sacrifice, where do I need to apply discipline and what will I have to let go. That’s how I conquer the fear of failure – not by asking “Why me?” but by asking, “Why NOT me?”. And then I am ready to take on the world, no matter how scary and unfamiliar it may feel at first.

So, in conclusion of this discussion on Failure and the Fear that holds us back, my advice to you is to:

-        Focus on the task – that’s all any of us can do.

-        Reach out for help – you are not alone.

-        Don’t give up before you try – because how will you know what you can accomplish?

-        Learn from the failure – take away the power from fear and self-doubt. If you learnt something about yourself in the process, how could you have failed?

Thank you for all your comments and the conversation. Thank you for being part of this journey. May we all try and fail and succeed, together. Until next time.

Hi, I’m Anjani. I have been an in-house coach for many years with various organizations, coaching cross-generational and multi-cultural teams. I love to use multiple tools and techniques to empower thoughts and nudge change. I am an empathetic listener. I use examples from my work spanning diverse industries to encourage people to carve their path to success. I want to start a dialogue with netizens who wish to engage in conversation leading to transformation and achieving new-found goals. 

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