Conquer the World in Hot Pants & High Heels

Memories of Hot Pants and Heels

Years ago, I remember hanging out in the parking lot in Charleston, SC on Meeting Street at First Baptist High School with my friends, feeling like a million bucks. I was wearing hot pants and high heels! My legs were super tan (which is why I freak out now over every little spot or mole), and I was rocking my new dark green floral hot pants outfit. My tanned feet were perched in high heels, and there was no way I could get away with wearing that ensemble to school. Wearing hot pants would get me the cold shoulder from the Southern Baptists. But that evening, I felt sassy, fabulous, and unstoppable—like I could conquer the world.

As time marches on, so do varicose veins, cellulite, and feet that plead for mercy from stilettos. Let’s be honest—sometimes we really miss those sassy, fabulous, unstoppable days of conquering the world. But there is HOPE, I promise.

My Quest for Internet

Just the other day, I witnessed a revival of my ‘hot pants in high heels attitude.’ It came in the form of being on a mission…for broadband internet.

Living in the country is both a blessing and a curse. On perfect weather nights, Thomas and I sit on our porch swing, gazing across the pasture to the pond, commenting on nature and the like. But then there are those days when I sit…and sit…and sit at my computer, waiting for the internet to bless me with its presence. Yes, friends, we’ve endured the horrors of dial-up, Hughes Net, and some contraption that illegally pings off the ATT Tower. I think the inventor might be serving time in federal prison and I hope they are not looking for me. I drove into the bowels of South Carolina looking for this guy’s home. Just to give you a visual, he lives in a single wide trailer with no grass, has tons of big-boy toys in his yard, and he kept telling me that he was in a hurry to go pick up is children’s nanny.

Our latest savior is everyone’s favorite inventor, Elon Musk (Starlink) whose satellite dish is now perched on a wine table in our backyard. Thomas, being a yard diva, is not thrilled with this unsightly addition to our landscape. He constantly whines about the wine table- that’s just too good not to mention.

Hot Pants Revival!

But salvation was on the horizon-rural internet funds through our local co-op. To make this dream a reality, I signed up for a five-minute presentation with our county council, bringing along my church friend, “Don.” Now, “Don” was a covert operations specialist with the Pentagon who dealt with classified documents. You might think this sounds far-fetched—and it probably is—but “Don” is amazing, so in my mind, it’s true. Plus, it makes the story way better. (And I changed his name just in case it is true.)

“Don” was incredible as he presented our case. He had maps, a laser pointer, and his speech in 14-point font, Times New Roman and double-spaced. His presentation was perfectly timed. At the conclusion, he gestured for me to add my comments. Suddenly, something happened. I was back in high school, wearing hot pants in high heels, channeling my sassy, fabulous, unstoppable self.

I have no idea what I said, but when I finished, there was a deafening silence. I felt like I could conquer the world once again.

Celebrity at the Co-op

Not long after that presentation, I got a call from the co-op. Broadband was finally coming down Bouknight Road. The co-op gentleman digging the trench said, “Y’all must have some serious pull. We were told to pack up and get out of the county, but then some woman…”

Recently, as I was standing in a Lowe’s parking lot, a stranger pulled his car up next to mine and said, “You don’t know me, but we all know you at the co-op.” I was relieved because, for a second, I thought I was being kidnapped. I didn’t want my obituary to read, “Victim abducted in a Lowe’s parking lot…” With all the cool locations I have visited in my life, to think the end would come in a Lowes’ parking lot is not my idea of a grand exit.

The moral of the story? Channel your inner ‘hot pants in high heels attitude.’ You don’t have to physically wear either to mentally embrace that sassy, fabulous, unstoppable self.