Connections Start with Better Questions Not More Information

Our monthly lunch conversation wandered into the conversation “Why do my clients ignore my advice?”. It’s a familiar topic that the business and technology attorney, commercial insurance broker, and I land on – probably every month. ?

Let’s face it – we’re all guilty of ignoring useful information handed to us. When our accountant delivered the annual tax returns, did I review them? Nope. We just received our Hartford insurance renewal. ?Did I read even one of the 156 pages? Of course not.

We’ve been working on a service that shows technology providers how to think, communicate, and deliver services more like businesspeople, not technical folks. There are a lot of immediate benefits on both sides of this conversation. And yet, I found myself coming back to the nagging notion that there was something missing.

How does an I-ask-you-answer information gathering exchange become a useful human-to-human conversation?

What We Can Learn from Supercommunicators

As luck would have it, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, the latest by Charles Duhigg, arrived from my neighborhood library. Aha. (I highly recommend this book if you're doing business with humans.)

Think about the person you’re most likely to turn to for advice or to untangle a problem. Why do you gravitate to them?

As Duhigg explains, it’s not because they’re necessarily the most interesting or smartest person you know. More likely, it’s because you anticipate that you will feel smarter after talking to them. They might not even give you the best advice, but you feel better after the conversation. How does that happen?

These trusted go-to folks understand that the goal of a conversation is to connect. It’s not to immediately problem-solve, sell, or leap into expert mode.? Instead, they start asking questions to uncover what’s at the heart of the matter.

1. Are you in decision-making mode?
2. Is this an emotional conversation where empathy and listening are called for?
3. Is this a social conversation?

Each of these is a different – and often intertwined – discussion that calls for different questions, listening, and responses.

The Matching Principle Builds Connection

Neuroscientists have long been fascinated by how human connections are made. In numerous studies, researchers compiled brain scans done after group discussions and identified consistent patterns of brain alignment – and misalignment.?

When participants were asked to view a sitcom scene, for example, they initially interpreted it differently. Each saw and heard words that were consistent with their own beliefs and values. There was no connection among the group.?

However, as they began to talk and share their individual insights, the group’s thinking shifted. The effective supercommunicators in the group were the ones who quietly led the alignment through questions, encouragement of participants, humor, and sharing their own changing mindset.?

Eventually, the participants became aligned with one another because they were having the same conversation. They had built a connection that encouraged effective communication. This is the fundamental matching principle. Unlike mirroring, where two people simply mimic each other, matching creates a deep meaningful connection.

The Most Information Wins Fallacy

Coming back to our question – why our valuable information isn’t always acted on by our clients – let's look at this real-life story to understand where we often go wrong.

When a doctor dons their white coat, they instantly achieve a high degree of authority, respect, and expertise. And this is how Dr. Dehfar Ehdaie, a prominent surgeon at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York, approached his patients' treatment.?

He delivered the frightened patient's diagnosis, outlined their clinical options, gave his recommendations, sent them home with a collection of reading materials, and confidently believed he had equipped each patient with sound advice. And yet, time after time, his patients second-guessed, did their own research, and sometimes took the less medically practical treatment option.

Baffled and frustrated, Dr. Ehdaie turned to colleagues for suggestions. One recommended he contact Deepak Malhotra, a Harvard Business School professor studying negotiation.

After working with Malhotra, Dr. Ehdaie uncovered the flaw in his well-meaning expert advice delivery. He assumed at the beginning of the conversation he knew what his patient wanted – objective medical advice and the best course forward. What he missed was the opportunity to first align with his patient’s deeper needs and fears.

Malhotra suggested that Dr. Ehdaie begin the conversation with open-ended questions that focused on his patient’s life and values, not the cold medical facts.?

This significant shift in conversation had a remarkable effect on the patient's treatment decision. Once both parties were aligned, the necessary information could be reframed with a personal context and introduced gradually. Patients quickly began accepting without second-guessing the care Dr. Ehdaie knew was the right plan for them. ?

Your Takeaways?

1. Communication (and our best, well-intended advice) fail?when we don’t first create a connection. ?
2. Connection happens when we are in alignment with our clients.? ?
3. Ask open-ended questions to uncover what conversation you’re having.? ?
4. Connection is what turns impersonal information into insightful, confident action. ?
5. If clients aren’t ready or open to accepting your advice, start by asking better questions.

One Final Thought?

I'm wired to solve problems. Just give me the daily sudoku or a recurring task to simplify. I can't wait to dive in. But I realize that solving problems isn't where the conversation needs to start. Asking better questions isn't as simple as it sounds, but I'm committed to working toward building better connections.

Thanks for reading!

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