Is It Connection We Seek?

In a time when there’s so much talk about finding balance and “quiet quitting” as a means for professionals to re-claim their time and space amidst 24/7 work demands, how do we assess what we really strive for when it comes to our professional and personal lives? While work/life balance tends to rise to the top of the “must haves” for many professionals when it comes to career and life satisfaction, what does it really mean, and do any of us ever achieve balance? Rather, aren’t our lives constantly in flux, and often, the moment we find balance, doesn’t the scale tend to tip in one direction or the other? Do we desire to divvy up our days and weeks into segments: time to work, time to live? Can we assume that having more hours each day or week will add to our happiness, or is it connection we seek – a deep-rooted union to how we spend our days?

According to psychologist and UCLA Anderson school of Management professor Cassie Holmes, “too much free time won’t make you happier in life.” Holmes “found that two to five hours of free time in a day is ideal for boosted happiness. Having less than two hours or more than five hours of free time in a day…decreased happiness.” ?Holmes asserts that it’s the way we spend our free time that matters most, and champions physical activity, practicing kindness, and experiencing awe as ways to capitalize on our free time regardless of how limited our it may be.

Connection as action

Years back when I studied with Alan Finger, founder of ISHTA Yoga, he shared with us the story of how he and his father Mani Finger meditated in the midst of traffic in South Africa. The imagery has always stayed with me, and I reflect on it often at crowded airports, waiting rooms, and before big meetings. Finger taught me about the power of pranayama, or breathing, and about the ability to channel equanimity wherever and whenever. When I find myself in stressful situations, I aim to cultivate my serenity by focusing on my breathing. In his NYC studios, I was always fascinated when Alan moved through the yoga room and gently placed his hands on each of our foreheads for a few moments. In his presence, drama, confusion, and angst literally moved through me and beyond me. His own ability to connect with himself created a conduit for others to find connection, and subsequent lightness. I would have been skeptical if I didn’t experience it so frequently firsthand; those experiences taught me to trust in the higher powers within and without, and that sometimes connection recharges us in unexpected ways.

Thomas Merton is another guide I reflect on when I ponder if it’s possible to simultaneously cultivate a multitude of interests and pursuits and achieve connection. Merton is best known for his books, poems, and articles on everything from monastic spirituality to civil rights. Vocationally, he was a writer, an English professor, and a Catholic monk who later became a priest. In his autobiography, Seven Story Mountain, he grapples with who and what his true calling was, and in later chapters of his life, his interest in Asian religions, particularly Buddhism, led to his promoting interfaith dialogue. I’ve always felt a connection to Merton – his various callings all claiming a stake in his life; his need for companionship as well as his desire to form a separate peace, as evidenced by his desire to live out his life in a hermitage on the grounds of the Abbey of Gethsemani. Yet, regardless of his desire to be alone, Merton was clear connection was critical: “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” Perhaps Merton’s ability to pursue multiple paths throughout his life was tied to the fact that he pursued interests he was deeply connected to, understanding that he first needed to cultivate connection within himself to be able to achieve meaningful external connections.

Connection versus balance

Perhaps the critical difference between seeking balance and connection is that balance insinuates a dichotomy. This or that. When I’m at work I do this, and outside of work, I do that. Connection requires breaking down barriers to synchronize our internal selves with the external world, which includes our job, family, friends, society. When I’m connected to activities and people in my life, I’m not thinking about balance or having more time and space, because I’m focused on what I’m doing and who I am with in the moment, and invested in those experiences. I’d contest that what most of us really seek is connection, although we’ve gotten into the rhythm of wishing for more work/life balance to navigate our journeys.

Whether we ascribe to achieving connection or balance, choosing to find our way through life while merging our outer and inner selves is not easy. It requires us to be honest, vulnerable, and empathetic. Journeying within is demanding work – there is no short cut to figuring out what makes one tick, and it’s not something that can be clocked using time as a measure. The other aspect of the journey is that connection is not a one-time deal; rather, it’s something you need to keep investing in as you continue to evolve and seek new and different experiences. Connection is a shared energy that evolves and grows over time, and helps to root us in all we do – relationships and our careers – alike.?