Connection and Relationships

As humans, one of our fundamental needs is connection and connection (most often) occurs in the context of relationships.

While the source of our greatest need, relationships often present significant confusion and conflict.

Maybe relationships are challenging because individuals struggle to define what a relationship is (or isn’t).

Or perhaps the difficulty arises because it is rare for even those in a relationship to agree about what one is (or isn’t).

The dictionary is little help

Look up the word ‘relationship’ in the dictionary and you’ll see the following definition:

“The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected.”

So relationships are about being connected!

Not so fast…

When you look up the word ‘connected’ you’ll find the following definition:

“Having social or professional relationships.”

This is known as a circular reference.

Apparently the word ‘relationship’ has no actual meaning.

No wonder relationships tend to be confusing and complex.

Are we playing a game?

While people may be confused about whether or not they are even IN a relationship, that doesn’t generally happen with a game.

Think about it.

When was the last time you found yourself halfway through a game before you realized you were playing monopoly?

Similarly, have you ever been convinced you were playing a round of golf only to discover it was actually a tennis match?

Of course not because games have rules.

I take this a step further and say games are a function of their rules.

Are we NOT playing a game?

When 10 people (let’s call them players) form two groups of five (let’s call them teams) and bounce a spherical object (let’s call it a ball) on 94 x 50 foot surface (let’s call it a court) with the goal of throwing the ball into a horizontal metal circle (let’s call it a basket) we call that “Playing Basketball.”

The rules of Basketball say it is ok for the players to bounce the ball as they walk or run.

The rules of Basketball say it is NOT ok for the player to hold onto the ball as they walk or run.

When someone doesn’t follow the rules (or breaks the rules) someone in a striped shirt blows the whistle and stops the game.

We could say the player not following the rules ‘exits‘ the game temporarily.

We could say he (or she) is no longer “Playing Basketball.”

We could say she (or he) is “Not Playing Basketball.”

We could also say she (or he) is playing “Not Basketball.”

Regardless of how we say we can all agree on what is (or what is not) happening.

What if relationships were like games?

Better yet, what if we considered every relationship it’s own unique game where each participant knew the rules and agreed to play by those rules.

While this sounds reasonable, it may feel strange to talk about a relationship as having ‘rules’ so let’s substitute the word Commitments.

What if just as games have rules, all relationships had Commitments?

We could say relationships exist as a function of Commitments between its participants?

Like players in a game, participants in a relationship would need to understand and agree to the Commitments that create their relationship.

If Commitments create relationships, it also makes sense to agree about what a commitment is and what a commitment isn’t.

Defining Commitments

Just as the rules of a game specify actions you can or cannot take, Commitments must be related to actions not outcomes.

Like the rules of a game, Commitments must be formal and applied consistently to all participants.

And like breaking the rules of any game, breaking Commitments should cause the relationship to stop (temporarily) and subject participants to clearly understood consequences.

Most important of all, Commitments like rules exist in the context of what is allowed or not allowed rather than within the world of what is right and what is wrong.

Hardly utopia

It is unlikely relationships will ever operate as a function of their commitments to the extent games operate as a function of their rules.

It is useful to consider how this framework might create access to greater peace and even freedom along the journey to connection within our personal and professional relationships.