THE CONNECTION KILLERS - AND HOW TO OVERCOME THEM
Jennifer was a forty-year-old PR account director on the fast track. A type-A personality, she was driven for success. But Jennifer was not winning much favor from her employees. They found that her feedback was often given in a drive-by, “hit-and’run” manner and left them feeling like roadkill. She was all about results and didn’t ever take time to notice how her abrasive manner was affecting morale. She rarely gave praise and was overly critical of everyone’s performance.
To turn the situation around, Jennifer’s company provided her with coaching (with me), including 360° feedback from her team. While she was glad her bosses thought that she was a high achiever, she was crushed to learn that her employees felt she was insensitive. She actually did care about her team and assumed they knew that. After she recovered from the ego-bruising, she took more time to notice how others were responding to her. She worked on being more patient. She realized that the extra few minutes she took to give feedback, to offer praise, to listen and to demonstrate empathy actually improved her team’s performance. Her results were beyond expectations. Jennifer was soon promoted, and her team felt supported and appreciated.
Do you know any Jennifers? Every business has workers who are seemingly uncivil, mean-spirited, rude, dismissive, selfish, and combative. Connection killers? You bet.
Here are 14 common connection killers and twelve steps to improve.
What Kills Connection?
1. Judgment and cynicism.
Have you ever been in a conversation and suddenly felt someone is silently judging you? (Notice the eye roll, the tone of voice, the lecture.) Or have you tried to connect with someone who constantly hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cynical commentary, and a dark perspective on the world? These behaviors act as barriers to connection and can break the trust needed for healthy relationships. If you notice judgment and/or cynicism coming up in a connection, whether from you or the other person, take a moment to stop, slow down, and see how you can come back to a place of connected authenticity. Check in with the other person to see how he or she is really doing. How can you bring more honesty and support into the connection? Often, the judgment and cynicism are masking some fear or anxiety underneath. Use empathy to keep it real. As human beings, our ability to perceive and evaluate is a gift. Know when you are using your critical thinking skills and abilities to reason versus projecting “my way is the better, or only, way.”
2. Talking about yourself too much. We’ve all been there; talking to that guy in the room who only talks about himself, his achievements, his friends, his promotions, etc. While that kind of monologue can be good for about five minutes, any more than that starts to feel draining. Connection is a two-way street, and it thrives when genuine interest is shared between both people.
Do you want an instant key to connecting with someone? Ask about him or her. The most interesting person in the room is the one who is interested in others—not interested in promoting herself or himself. If you are on the receiving end of the over-talker, you can gently intrude and reflect what you have heard: “Hey, I want to make sure I am getting what you are saying. So, it sounds like you are really pumped about that promotion. May I share a story that relates?” Or you can politely excuse yourself, if that is appropriate in the situation.
3. Lack of appreciation or acknowledgment. A fast way to build connection is to express a genuine appreciation or acknowledgment for the other person. So naturally, the reverse of this is an instant connection killer. It takes about a minute to give authentic praise or acknowledgment, not much time at all—but it can mean the world to the person on the receiving end.
4. Knowing it all. We all like to share what we know and to express our knowledge to those around us. However, it is vital to maintain an awareness of the other person and what she or he shares. Keeping a certain level of humility and interest in the other person’s ideas and contributions is key to keeping a connection strong. Connection is always far more important than taking credit for being right. In our multigenerational workplace, those with more gray hair may sometimes dismiss the knowledge and insights of those younger.
When they do, they miss a significant opportunity to learn and stay relevant. When those who are younger profess to know it all, they miss out on opportunities to learn from those who may have more life experience and breadth of knowledge.
5. Lack of curiosity. A closed mind, closed heart, and lack of curiosity are instant connection shut-downs. Without curiosity, people are essentially conveying that their beliefs are set, and they will gain nothing by interacting with you. Time to walk away from that connection, right? A healthy dose of curiosity and an almost childlike wonderment about the world will draw people to you, as you emit an open vibe that’s delightful to connect with. Your curiosity will rub off on others, enhancing others’ experience of life, as well.
6. Compare-and-despair. We may find ourselves comparing ourselves to the other person with whom we are interacting and concluding that we don’t measure up. At that moment, we forget things that make us awesome.
Social media can also fuel low self-esteem. We see only a small part of our friends’ and colleagues’ lives, generally more the highs than the lows. When we compare, we despair. We lose touch with those things we have in common. We forget our own awesomeness.
7. Emotional tone-deafness. Colleagues who fail to recognize that what they are saying is hurtful or insensitive; a boss who is clueless that the request that he or she is making the first day you’re back from a family funeral is unreasonable; those who lack emotional awareness of the feelings of others diminish trust and create walls. Such behaviors, over time, can tear down relationships, lessen trust, and have employees packing up their desks and clients taking their business to your competitors. Acknowledging and validating the feelings of others goes miles in creating business harmony. Follow the Golden Rule: let people know you care and that they are seen and heard.
8. Naysayers and negativity. Have you ever found yourself on the receiving end of a negative diatribe, a laundry list of complaints, gossip, resentments, and whining? Negativity is prevalent in the workplace.
It shows up in a host of ways: for instance, the colleague who kills every idea with, “that would never work here,” the boss who can’t find a single nice thing to say about anyone, or the employees who constantly grouse about how much they have on their plate.
While there are certainly moments when venting can serve as a great release, over time, it will do more harm than good. When you catch yourself complaining and living in the problem, make sure to balance it out with something positive.
Michelle Gielan, in her book Broadcasting Happiness, writes about the power of owning what you are broadcasting. If you want positive people tuning into your frequency, make sure you are transmitting more solutions than problems and seeing the positive wherever and whenever you can.
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Says Geilan, “ Just as negative people can influence our brain, so too can we influence them....(and) because the highway of emotional contagion goes both ways, every time you have a positive encounter with a Negative Norm or a Petty Patty, you are shifting their reality. Each time you don’t sit with them in their toxicity or play misery poker to see who has the best hand, you elevate them above their current line of thinking.”37
9. The boundary-less. One must always be aware of political and cultural sensitivities—you never know what other persons value, what their culture embraces, and where people stand on the important issues. Particularly in a business environment, off-color jokes, political diatribes, stories of sexual conquests or weekend binge drinking are risky discourse. While being authentic goes far to build relationships, balancing our need to speak our mind, or share our personal exploits with good sense and good manners is generally a good idea.
10. Black-and-white thinking. A failure to see anything other than as black or white can project an image of small-mindedness and narrow perspective and leaves little room for discussion and understanding. If you think you may be coming across as believing there is only one approach, course-correct. Become more open to new possibilities. If you notice someone else is projecting absolutist thinking, gently offer some other ways of seeing the situation.
11. Hotheads and bullies. To paraphrase the Billy Joel song, while there might be a place in the world for the Angry Young Man, too much ranting can tear down relationships. People may find themselves on edge around a person with a quick trigger or one who puts down others. They may not want to share important information or voice a contrary opinion. If you find yourself raging or bullying, notice what triggers you and create a strategy for releasing that anger (breathe, take a break, get some exercise, see a therapist). If you are on the receiving end of bullying, speak up and ask for your colleague to dial it down, or empathize, so they know they are being heard. That often will diffuse the situation.
12. Dishonesty. Lies, lies, lies, yeah! Nothing kills trust and connection more than being dishonest. When you know people are lying, have the courage to ask them to back up their claim or let them know that you are struggling with this behavior. If you are prone to lying, dare to ask yourself why you are afraid to tell the truth.
13. Person Perception: In social psychology, the term “person perception” refers to the different mental processes that we use to form impressions of other people. This includes not just how we form these impressions, but the different conclusions we make about other people based on our impressions. Sometimes in our rush to categorize someone or fit them into a box, we gloss over all the interesting things that make them unique, thus killing connection before it even has a chance to develop.
Stay open and resist the urge to box someone in. They may look like your annoying brother, but in all other ways, be different as night and day.
14.Phubbing and other nasty distractions. Leave your phone at home, or turned off and in your pocket. There is nothing that can kill connection faster than checking out while having a conversation. Let that person with whom you are speaking feel like the most important person in the room.
Now that you have a greater understanding of the behaviors that kill connection, ask yourself: what will you do in your personal plan to address those that you are likely to commit, and how will you address the ones that you find yourself encountering?
Connection starts with you.
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P.S.
A big announcement………
Want to know what DOESN’T kill connection? It is a great idea worth spreading.
I am now taking registrations for the TedX Summer School Mini-Program, to help you refine your Big Idea and get you ready to take the TedX Stage!
Info and registration info here: