CONNECTION - Get ready to FLEX-IT

In my last blog I JUST WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE I shared my concerns on what constitutes 'meaningful connection' and how as a society we are becoming weaker at work and in life with our conversational MUSCLE. Today I am going to take you through an acronym called FLEX-IT that will help you connect more meaningfully in each conversation you have.

Now our muscle weakness is primarily being generated from how we now use technology to communicate with others. We have become extremely comfortable with hiding behind a screen, feeling like we are 'connected' but in fact we are really becoming more 'disconnected'.

We are becoming:

• Addicted to quick dopamine hits (Social media, emails and any sort of red dot)
• Insular (just look on the bus on the way home on how many people are on phones)
• Permanently distracted
• Urgent obsessed - everything is important

The truth is the relationship with technology is interrupting the important relationship with ourselves and ultimately with others.

My personal mission is to improve the way we connect away from technology and showcase how the power of meaningful conversations can improve who we are, how we act and also how we see the world around us.

Now here me out... I have nothing against technology in our lives but I do feel that without a focused effort on improving the way we connect with others the below stats (no matter how much money you throw at it) won't improve.

• An estimated 1 in 3 of Australians reported feeling lonely (AIHW 2021)
• One in four young Australians thought about suicide over the past two years (SMH + THE AGE)?
• Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians between the ages of 15 and 44 (AIHW, 2022a)

The conversation challenge that I see we need to keep exploring are conversations that:

• Make us feel safe enough to share our vulnerabilities
• Challenge our thinking! We do this when we have more conversations with people who are different to us?
• Strengthen our muscle in each conversation we have by using a model I created called FLEX-IT??

F - FOCUS?

In each conversation we must aim to have absolute focus on the person in front of us, giving that person our full attention.?

The biggest ‘focus thief’ is of course technology… Primarily the mobile phone and computers!?

A couple of months ago I was catching up with a senior leader for a coffee. Throughout the whole conversation it felt that I wasn’t there and I definitely didn't feel like she was interested.?

Her mobile was buzzing and phone calls were accepted!?

After the 5th distraction I had enough! I said ‘obviously right now is not good for you and it is actually wasting my time as well, should we reschedule when you can give me your attention.’!?

The result was that she put the phone away and we had a good chat after that.?

Staying focused is not difficult to do if we manage the surroundings

My tips?

1. Put the mobile on silent and remove it from eyesight… Ideally in a draw or bag! I don’t recommend having it on the table (even if it is turned over) or in your pocket (as it may buzz). If we see it, hear it or feel it we still are not 100% focused.?
2. Say out loud at the start of the conversation. “I am going to be putting my mobile in my (draw / bag) as I want to give you my full attention” - The likelihood is the other person will do exactly the same as you and sets the scene for the conversation

L- LISTEN

Hi my name is Luke and I am an interrupter…. I love finishing other people's sentences and rushing people to get to the point! Yep that's me and I know it is me as I took Oscar Trimboli’s Listening Quiz which I recommend you do as well.?

Now Oscar is the deep listening expert, so I am in no way saying I am perfect in this craft (just ask my wife) but I do know that this is definitely something that I am working on every single day in work and life to get better at.?

LISTENING is seriously an art and no offense but I think most of us are shit at it.??

Oscar shared in a Cuppa interview that we THINK at 900 words per minute but only SPEAK at 150 words. So it is fair to say that most of the time when people are talking it may not be exactly what they are wanting to say in the first instance.?

The other thing Oscar has taught me is that LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters in it. Yep mind blown! The power of silence is incredible in all aspects of having a conversation and I love using it now in the conversations I am having.

E- ENGAGE?

Next we want to engage authentically in the conversation with others?

This means

• Showing interest in what they are saying through your body language and questioning??
• Use questions like ‘Tell me more’ and ‘Why is that so’?

Our aim is to make them feel safe while having a conversation with us! Be careful of blocking FLOW in the conversation.?

Question: Have you ever been in a situations where you are sharing a thought or idea and the person you are chatting to you abruptly stops you and say’s ‘THAT WON’T WORK’ or shuts your idea down? ?

How did you feel?

Rejected, pissed off or depleted

Sure, the thought or idea may not work but we need to be careful not to block the flow of the conversation we are having. Instead try using the tool called YES... AND where you let them complete their idea and add your perspective…. This then allows the conversation to continue in a way that moves it closer to an outcome.?

X - XFACTOR?

No I am not talking about singing to them…. I mean making them walk away with the feeling that you were the X factor in their day.?

How do you become the X-Factor?

1) EXECUTE - Give them FOCUS, LISTEN to their words & ENGAGE?authentically and with interest. Follow the acronym of FLEX and it will go a long way in making them feel special.

2) PROVIDE VALUE - This can be done in a number of ways

• Advice?
• Connections?
• Relevant stories?
• Clear next steps?
• Follow up?

The final two parts of I & T are there to remind you of your role

I - INTENT?

Preparing for your conversation is critical and understanding the intent around what you (and the other person) is wanting to achieve.?

Before having the conversation find out what is the real intent for it so you can be prepared. This will help you set the right scene and have you in the right headspace.?

One of the questions Oscar asks me when we speak is? “What will make this a great conversation?” I love this as it sets the scene and again clarifies the intent of what is trying to be achieved.

T-TIME?

None of this can happen if we don’t make more time to have more meaningful conversations! Time is everything?

• Making time to connect?
• Making the appropriate time for one on one conversations?
• Making time to strengthen our own conversational muscle

Time conversation challenge (Leave your commitment in comments)

I want you to try something for me if you have an IPHONE (if you have an android it is in the digital wellbeing part in settings)

1. Go to settings?
2. Click screen time?
3. Look at your daily average and click on ‘See all activity’?
4. Scroll down and look at your social media usage?
5. How much did you use on Facebook??
6. How much did you use on Instagram??
7. How much did you use on TikTok?
8. Other social media channels?
9. Add up all those numbers
10. Work out what 25% of that is?

Example…. My time over the last week (7 days) was 6 hours on social media. 25% of that is 1hr 30 minutes?

Your task is to allocate that 25% of that time to conversations next week and practice FLEX-IT.?

Who should you have a conversation with?

• Someone you haven't seen or spoken to for over 6 months
• Someone you admire or inspires you in work or life
• Someone at work you don't know much about??
• Someone different from you (age, sexuality, culture, disability etc)?

I promise you that you will grow as a person and as a leader in work and life if you commit this time to connecting with others.?

FINAL WORDS

We are getting to a critical point as society that we need to say techNOlogy more often and FLEX-IT in as many situations as possible by truly connecting with others. It will change your life the more you do it as it has done mine.

Luke 'Cookie' Cook

Welcome to the?'Solving Life's Puzzle'?newsletter. Join me each fortnight as I share my learnings in work and life.

Connect with me on conversations and masterclasses here:?https://www.gdaycookie.com/

Come and have a Cuppa with my business here:?https://cuppa.tv/