Connection before trust: The key to stronger relationships

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Trust is the foundation of any relationship,” right? Whether it’s personal, professional, or somewhere in between, the idea that trust comes first seems to be gospel. But I had a conversation with the fantastic Sarah Debusscher late last week and it got me thinking... Have we got this all backwards? What if, instead of trying to build trust right off the bat, we focused on connection first? That’s where the real magic happens.

When we think about trust, it often feels like something we have to “earn” or “prove” to someone else. And while trust is important, trying to build it before you’ve actually connected with someone can feel... well, transactional. Imagine going out for coffee with a stranger and telling them, “Hey, you can trust me!” but you’ve barely had a conversation yet. It’s a bit like putting the cart before the horse. It feels forced.

Now, think about connection. That’s different, isn’t it? Connection is about creating a space where people feel seen, heard, and valued. It’s that sense of “we’re in this together” that breaks down walls and allows trust to grow naturally. Instead of saying, “Trust me,” you’re saying, “I see you.” And when people feel seen, trust follows.

We often confuse the two, trust and connection, but they’re not the same. Trust is something that emerges over time, after you’ve shared experiences, shown up for each other, and been consistent. Connection, on the other hand, is the spark that lights the fire. It’s the moment when you realise that you’re on the same page, that there’s a genuine bond between you. And that bond is what makes trust possible.

It’s worth thinking about how our brains work when it comes to connection. Neuroscience tells us that humans are wired to connect. When we make eye contact with someone or engage in a meaningful conversation, our brains release oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone.” This isn’t just about romantic relationships; it happens in friendships, families, and even in work settings. Oxytocin makes us feel safe, which is the bedrock of trust. But it all starts with connection.

The problem with focusing on trust first is that it can feel like a checklist, something to tick off. And when trust is viewed as transactional, it becomes fragile. One misstep, and the whole thing falls apart. But if there’s a deep connection in place, mistakes aren’t dealbreakers. You’ve built a foundation where you can say, “Yeah, we hit a rough patch, but we’re still in this together.” That’s the difference between a relationship that survives and one that crumbles.

If you’re wondering how to build that kind of connection, it doesn’t require any fancy skills. You don’t need to be a master of persuasion or a seasoned psychologist. It’s about being present and genuinely interested in the other person. Ask questions, real questions, not just small talk. Listen, really listen, without thinking about what you’re going to say next. People can tell when you’re faking it. Authenticity is everything.

Think about the last time you truly connected with someone. Maybe it was a conversation where time seemed to fly by, or a moment where you felt like the other person really “got” you. Those moments don’t happen because you trust the other person right away. They happen because you connected on a deeper level.

And hey, I’m not saying trust doesn’t matter. Of course it does. But it’s like trying to build a house starting with the roof. You need a strong foundation first, and that foundation is connection. Trust grows from there, and when it does, it’s solid. It’s the kind of trust that doesn’t waver when things get tough because it’s rooted in something real.

Let’s flip the script. Instead of going into your next interaction thinking, “How can I make this person trust me?” try asking, “How can I build a connection with this person?” It changes everything. You’re not performing, you’re not trying to impress, you’re just being real, open, and curious. The funny thing is, when you stop focusing so hard on trying to earn trust, you often end up getting it without even trying. Why? Because people trust those they feel connected to.

It’s also worth noting that trust can sometimes be overemphasised in a way that’s not healthy. If we’re constantly trying to “prove” ourselves or demand trust, it can lead to anxiety and pressure. We might hold back parts of ourselves out of fear of breaking that fragile trust. But when there’s a genuine connection, we feel freer to be ourselves, flaws and all. That’s when the real growth happens, both in relationships and within ourselves.

If you want to start building more connection in your life, whether it’s at work, with friends, or even with family, here are a few simple steps you can take:

• Be genuinely curious: Ask open-ended questions. Don’t settle for the standard “How’s your day going?” Dig a little deeper. People appreciate it when you’re truly interested in them.
• Listen with intent: Sounds simple, but it’s often overlooked. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak—really absorb what the other person is saying. Reflect their thoughts back to them, so they know they’ve been heard.
• Show vulnerability: This one’s huge. Connection thrives on authenticity, and authenticity means showing your human side. You don’t have to spill all your secrets, but sharing something real can open the door for deeper connection.
• Make time for face-to-face (or at least virtual) interaction: Texts and emails are fine, but they’re not great for building connection. Try to meet in person or hop on a video call. There’s something about seeing someone’s face and hearing their voice that can’t be replicated in writing.
• Create shared experiences: Whether it’s working on a project together, going on a walk, or just spending time in the same space, shared experiences create memories and build connection.

So, next time you’re in a situation where you feel like trust is lacking, don’t force it. Instead, focus on building a connection. Trust will follow naturally, and it will be stronger because it’s built on something real. After all, it’s the connection that keeps us coming back, that makes us stick through the tough times, and that ultimately builds the kind of trust that lasts.

In a world where we’re constantly told to “earn trust,” maybe it’s time we start focusing on earning connection instead.

Would love your thoughts on this perspective.

Till next time go build those connections

Prajesh