Connecting with Kevin - Ed. 7

Welcome to the 7th edition of Connecting with Kevin. This edition has been brewing in my head for the better part of a decade. In fact, I once wrote an article about this topic, but never had the courage to post it. The other day, I was looking at my Linkedin header, where it says "Mental Health Advocate", and realized I need to be what I say I am, and that starts with telling my own story so others may be encouraged to tell theirs.

So here we go...

My Mental Health Journey

From the outside looking in, many will be surprised by what I'm about to tell you. In November of 2016, I was diagnosed with something called Dysthymia, otherwise known as Persistent Depressive Disorder. This diagnosis came from a trained health professional who had spent many hours with me over the course of 3 years.

Being an extreme extrovert living with this specific disease can be quite the challenge. Like a world champion swimmer trying to win a race in molasses, a state-of-the-art race car with flat tires, or a beautiful yacht trying to win the regatta in crippling fog. All of the tools to succeed are there, but one or two challenges must be addressed before maximum potential can be achieved. For me, that is a persistent challenge.

To understand Dysthymia, my therapist described it this way:

Over time, most people experience highs and lows. Each of the circles represents an event in the timeline of life, time travels left to right, and the top and bottom bar represent a normal mental health frame work of highs and lows. Perhaps the higher circles are a promotion, birth of a child, or otherwise joyful event. The lower circles could represent the death of a parent, a divorce, or job loss. However, the circles still remain within the framework of "highs and lows". They don't get TOO high, the lows don't get TOO low. This diagram represents most people. It is still possible to dip below that bottom line and experience depression, but it is a short-lived episodic type depression.

Here is what a Dysthymia sufferer's framework looks like:

As you can see, the space to experience events has shrunk significantly. Now the same event experienced by someone without Dysthymia, causes significant mental health challenges for someone like me. Therefore, the people with something like Dysthymia live their lives battling a low grade depression most of the time.

Unless...

Unless we take steps to push the two lines further apart, allowing for greater space to experience life, and not get complacent about increasing that space where normal experiences can occur. What that looks like for me might be different that what it looks like for someone else, but the idea is the same.

In other news, here is a current view of my former co-workers and supervisors after reading this...

Now What?

After my diagnosis, it took months, wait YEARS, for me to process my feelings, accept this for exactly what it is, and develop strategies to fight back. I wish it were as simple as Bradley Cooper's pill in the movie "Limitless", but it is much more complicated than that. It is a cocktail of multiple strategies, failures, hypothesis, self-awareness, humility, realizations, and yes, medication to help push back against this ever-present cloud hanging over me.

Here is what I've done over the past 4-5 years...

• Become an active participant in my own life - For a really long time, the goal buried deep in the recesses of my mind was to just endure my life. Endure was a theme. I saw life as something I just needed to deal with, and while most of it didn't bring me very much joy, it was my life. I started to shift my thinking back in 2021, and decided that I needed to become an active participant in my life. For the most part, I get to choose what I do and what I don't do. The answer was simple, do more of the things that bring me joy, and to the extent possible do less of the things that stole my joy. What I found is that doing things with my hands brought me some fulfillment, joy, and a sense of accomplishment. Things like working on car engines, fixing broken/not working items around the house (and those of my friends), and manual labor type projects. I got back into coaching. I coached my daughter's basketball team a couple of times, and I coached a local flag football team (of which I didn't have a kid on the team). I've done the latter twice now. The first time, it was a great experience. The second time, not so much. I'll give it another go this season, and if I don't like it, I'll stop. I get to choose.
• Kick the Stigma - Part of my problem for many years was simply perception and pride. It took me quite a while to open up to a few people and tell them about my diagnosis. Not only because of my own hang-ups, but those surrounding mental health perceptions in our current American society. I hid my medication. I didn't talk about the times I had therapy. I overcompensated for times I was feeling "down". I'm sure that people around me knew, but I tried my best to hide it. I'm over all of that. In the last several years, people like Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne Johnson, and Amanda Seyfried have come out talking about the medications they take, and the illnesses they fight. In fact, I found out last year that Tom Hardy also suffers from Dysthymia. Athletes like Kevin Love, Naomi Osaka, and Ricky Williams also have spoken openly about their struggles. Why not me?

“I was 23, a millionaire and had everything, yet I was never more unhappy in my life . I felt extremely isolated from my friends and family because I couldn’t explain to them what I was feeling. I had no idea what was wrong with me.” - Former NFL Star Ricky Williams

• Fight or Stand Your Ground - Over the years, I've had a vision in my head of King Leonidas of Sparta. When he and the brave 300 fought against the Persian Army, they were rarely pushed back, but they knew when to fight, and when to put up their shields to protect themselves from an onslaught of arrows and swords. Dealing with Dysthymia isn't much different except for the fact that I don't have his abs, I probably could only hold that shield for about 30 seconds, and I would stab myself with a sword on accident. Other than THAT? Totally the same thing. I kid, but seriously. There are times when I can advance on my condition. Times when life is steady, calm, and the skies are clear. Those are times I can add to my arsenal of activities, lean into trying new things, and generally live my life as carefree as possible. There are also times I need to raise my shield and protect myself. I know my warning signs, triggers, and times of the year that I'm more prone to falling back into old habits. Spoiler alert: January. (I'm addicted to Sunshine)
• Control the Controllables - One area of my life that I've adjusted the past several years is being able to know what I can influence and what I can't. It is rare for me to get worked up about a person or thing that is outside of my circle of influence. If I can't affect it, change it, or otherwise influence it, I probably won't give it many seconds of my emotional or intellectual energy. It simply isn't worth it to me. This specific strategy is mostly evident in my interactions with other human beings. I don't spend tons of time with people who suck my energy with negative thoughts, negative energy, or negative behaviors. Now, that isn't to say that I'm not there for people who NEED some positive energy, but energy is a two-way street. Thriving human relationships are built on back and forth positive energy exchanges. My closest relationships are those in which I am able to not only receive their love and attention, but they accept mine just the same. When I find that I'm unable to do this with certain people, I will pull back my efforts to save myself from disappointment, pain, or feelings of inadequacy. I simply have to do what's right for me.

These are only a few of the things I've done the past few years to fight against this God-awful condition. Other things I've done include:

1. Talking openly to my friends, kids, and family about what I've experienced.
2. Talk therapy (try different ones until something feels "right")
3. Medications (try different ones until something feels "right")
4. Heaping portions of grace upon myself when things aren't going well. This is a journey, and it won't always be pretty, and I won't always do it right. That's okay.
5. Finding beauty in the simple things. Over the last year, I've become fascinated with bird feeders, and watching the birds, squirrels, and chipmunks interact with one another. I've even pulled the car over for beautiful sunsets. Simple, but effective for a positive boost of energy.
6. Stay in my center when experiencing events that may send me ABOVE the "highs" line. What goes up must come down. Enjoy it, but know it is only temporary. Anyone get post-vacation depression? Yeah...like that.

If you've read this far, thank you. It has taken me the better part of two weeks to write this, and I've stopped several times to talk myself out of posting it. Make no mistake, I don't want attention, pity, or even kudos. I only want others to know they aren't alone. I've mostly done that behind the scenes the past few years, and anytime I had the opportunity to talk about this openly, I stopped short. If I'm going to be a true "advocate", then it starts with me telling you my "why".

Happy to talk to anyone who has questions, confidentially. My DM's are open.

Thanks for reading.

-Kevin