Connected vs Connecting

It feels pretty weird to post this here. I may be risking blacklisting or being labeled by a LinkedIn employee as a blasphemer. But I'll take the risk. I think you need to hear this.

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with a colleague in my field. We'll call her "Sheila". Sheila mentioned how she was sending "cold" connection requests to as many LinkedIn contacts as possible to build her prospect list, and hopefully, grow her business. She was furiously posting more promotional content, including articles, photos, videos, and polls to gets as many eyes on her work as possible. I asked her how it was going and she said she wasn't sure, but she believed with enough effort she would have some sort of a breakthrough.

When she asked me what I thought, I think I broke her spirit.

I've been on LinkedIn since 2008 and connected with a lot of people (2902 to be exact). Over the last few years, I've mostly focused on adding people I've worked or done business with, or those who have asked for my assistance.

In the past, there were plenty of people I connected with because they asked (mostly in my life as a recruiter), but I've been much more selective as of late. Sometimes I'll get connection requests from people who plow into my inbox like a bull in a china shop, offering to do such and such (like growing my "amazing dental practice" - yep, that happened) without me asking. I immediately hit "decline". I've even gone back through my connections to wean out people because we just don't know each other or make no effort to stay in touch.

It's not personal, I just don't want to perpetuate a charade that either of us is really more than two digital data points artificially tethered together as we float the rolling seas of the internet.

We've connected. But we aren't connecting. That's the difference.

If we were to describe those two terms figuratively, they look very different.

• "Connected" lives in the past- it's done, complete. "Connecting" lives in the present- we're still doing it.
• "Connected" fills out the registration for a marathon (and never sends it in). "Connecting" joins an early morning running group and slogs out the miles.
• "Connected" is the baseball card collection gathering dust in your closet. "Connecting" throws a baseball around with his buddy until the street lamps come on.
• "Connected" waits in tall grass and jumps out when you least expect it. "Connecting" waits at your front door for you to return, wagging its tail and celebrating your arrival...each and every day.

In the real world, "connected" means you have people to go to for what you need. They are your professional Rolodex (do those still exist?) and are no more than resources. Your link to them is what they can give to you, or at best, what you can trade with each other.

"Connecting" involves building a REAL relationship with someone over time. These are people you trust, and that trust you, and you'd gladly vouch for if needed. This happens when you invest time in each other with a focus on mutual gain, support, and success. This takes effort...which is why we usually have a small number of people who fit this definition.

Our focus on being connected instead of connecting is what leads to all the noise on social media.

If you think you are connecting with your 1000 connections here, you are deluding yourself. Even LinkedIn calls them connections, created solely by a click of the "accept" button. It's just not sustainable. It's a vanity metric. A hollow promise. It's empty calories in a junk food diet. At best, they are followers. At worst, professional stalkers.

Don't be a stalker.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh. As I replay it in my mind, it sounds really harsh. I mean, who in their right mind would describe people on LinkedIn as "stalkers"? They are people, just like us, who do mass searches for people from a specific company, demographic, or business title and send them a (sometimes) polite message on how they have "reviewed your profile and found you pretty interesting" and shared how they could "provide you lead generation services" or "business coaching"...for your "amazing dental practice" (yes, again, that really did happen). That may not make them a stalker...but it may make them a bot. Either way, I find it hard to believe we'll be connecting.

So what was my advice to Sheila?

You don't need to be more connected. You need to spend more time connecting.

And that's my advice to you as well. I don't know what that looks like for you, but for me, that means:

• being more intentional about whom I interact with on LinkedIn with a focus on investing for the long-term.
• creating or sharing content that I think creates value for them, not just me.
• having conversations, asking questions, and really listening to their answers.
• taking a hard look at my connections and whittling them down further (from 2902).
• only sending connection requests to those I know, have worked or served with, and with whom I intend to build a relationship.

Let's take this slow and get to know each other.

You may disagree with me and that's ok. I understand that might not be your strategy. So let's have a discussion about it. Maybe we can both learn something.

• If we're "connected" here on LinkedIn, let's continue this conversation via direct message, email, phone, Zoom, or (hopefully) face-to-face.
• If we're not, please refrain from sending me a connection request ??. Leave a comment below and we'll see where it goes from there.

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Joel likes mint tea with honey steeped for 6-8 minutes, dirtying his hands in his backyard garden, and sharing community with those he knows and loves. He also runs a leadership consulting practice with a focus on driving meaningful behavior change. He does not run a dental practice nor need assistance with lead generation. ??