Connect through Communication: Immediacy Cues and Listening Styles
Gino Perrotte, M.A.
Reimagining how we teach and learn | Nurturing the things that make us human | Conscious Communication Creator and Speaker | Public Speaking Expert | Travel Educator | Award-winning Lecturer | Advocate for Rest
This month, we focus on the communication skill of interpersonal immediacy -- the ability of a person to create connections with other people. And we talk about listening skills, too, since effective listening is foundational to connection.?Here are insights, tips, and resources to help you communicate from the inside out by connecting the heart and the mind.
Immediacy refers to the ability of a person to bridge physical, psychological, and emotional distances in order to create connections with other people.
Shaking hands, standing near to audience members, speaking without a podium, and using interactive seating arrangements are good ways to be physically immediate. Meaningful eye contact, pair-and-share activities, relevant topics, and self-disclosure are all helpful for creating psychological immediacy. You can also use the knowledge of immediacy to create secure levels of distance when you find yourself in a situation that is too close for comfort. Doing so can bring a healthy balance between physical, psychological, and emotional immediacy that nurtures the interaction and relationship.
What are good ways to create physical immediacy?
Cultures and contexts often tell us what is appropriate here. In the USA, a handshake is typically a formal and acceptable way to greet someone. The palm-to-palm and web-to-web contact of a handshake when done properly communicates confidence. For some cultures, a less formal kiss on each cheek is the proper way to greet a good friend or relative.
Both of these greetings allow another person into what anthropologist Edward T. Hall (1966) called Intimate Space in his Proxemic Theory. By allowing someone into this space, you can create a more intimate relationship with them. Hall notes that cultures have different perceptions about what is appropriate for personal space which could be why some people prefer to be closer in contact while others want a larger “bubble” of personal space surrounding them.
In a public speaking setting, you won’t always have an opportunity (nor is it always appropriate) to shake hands with the people in your audience. However, you can still create physical immediacy. If possible, stand within 4 to 12 feet (Hall calls this Social Space) of each audience member at some point of the presentation. This often requires that you do not use a podium and that you think about the seating arrangement of the audience. Conference room spaces may offer tables that can be configured into many different arrangements to allow you to create the most effective layout conducive to building an environment of engagement and communication.
What if the situation or environment does not permit physical immediacy? Leverage psychological and emotional techniques.
Sometimes you cannot do much about the seating arrangement of a room such as a lecture hall. In situations like this, you can bridge the physical distance between you and the participants stuck in the back of the hall with some psychological and emotional immediacy techniques.
For example, meaningful eye contact with audience members for 2 to 3 seconds each is a great way to make someone feel closer to you. And if you cannot make eye contact with everyone simply because some are sitting too far away, build in some pair-and-share activities that allow the participants to at least interact with those other audience members seated nearby. This type of activity requires that participants pair up and share their thoughts about a particular topic of discussion before you regroup and bring the entire room back together to debrief.
An emotional technique is to make your topic immediate to your audience. This means that it is of natural interest to the participants, and that they feel emotionally connected to the information because they have either experienced it within their own lives or that the topic will be of relevance to what is going on in their lives. If you make your topic relevant to your audience, they will feel closer to you because you will be speaking to their life experiences.
Self-disclosure can also be a very effective way to build emotional closeness with your audience. Self-disclosure is when you share stories and examples from your own life in order to make your topic more relatable and understandable. Relationships of Intimacy are built on genuine self-disclosure as this sharing builds a foundation of trust, vulnerability, and reciprocity. You feel like you’ve really gotten to know someone once you’ve both self-disclosed within an environment of trust.
Whatever techniques you use, remember that your goal is to make each person feel that they are engaged and recognized for their presence and contributions.
Is immediacy always appropriate?
No. There are definitely times in life when you do not want to feel physically or psychologically close with someone you’ve just encountered. And you can use your knowledge of immediacy just discussed to create distance between yourself and another. For example, when you enter an elevator crowded with strangers, it is out-of-the-ordinary to make eye contact since you are so physically close. Perhaps too close for comfort. Since you have too much forced physical immediacy in this situation, you create a comfortable sense of distance by avoiding eye contact.
Independent people in intimate relationships often also carve out spaces of privacy since their lives are so interconnected and immediate with their significant other. Couples may share homes, vehicles, beds, showers, sinks, bodies, and children. While many enjoy this closeness, there also might come a time when you just want something that is your own. This is known as the “Connectedness vs. Separateness” dialectical tension (https://www.uky.edu/~drlane/capstone/interpersonal/reldial.htm).
To create your alone time and space, you may have separate closets, bathroom sinks, or perhaps even bedrooms. And even though you both may be in the same room together, you may each be reading your own books without even really interacting. This is an example of creating a balance between physical, psychological, and emotional immediacy that is sustainable for the people in the intimate relationship.
Listening is a shared responsibility.
Ultimately, we share the responsibility for listening between ourselves and the other person/people.?Knowing this, we can do our part in co-creating the communication experiences that we want?by communicating in a way that facilitates better listening.
You are responsible for your life. -Oprah
Accept responsibility for what you can control by accepting at least 50% of the responsibility for the listening exchange.?Communicate in a way that is inviting for the other person to want to listen. We can do this by making our message easy to understand and being clear with how others will benefit from listening to us.
Tips for overcoming some common barriers to listening.
View this short video (1 minute, 35 seconds) for a detailed explanation of these common barriers to listening and the fixes:
1. You’re speaking in another language.?
2. You failed to build credibility prior to communicating.?
Want to learn more about how to improve your interpersonal immediacy and listening skills? Check out these resources:
领英推荐
Techniques to Create Interpersonal Immediacy for Influential Communication.?Gino Perrotte (LinkedIn Live,?Feb 15, 2022).
"What makes a person seem charismatic or likable? While there are many possible variables, there’s also a good chance that immediacy cues are involved.
Interpersonal immediacy refers to the ability of a person to create meaningful connections with other people. It is a crucial skill in relationship building and also particularly important for influential communication. This skill is exceptionally helpful for professionals in roles involving leadership, sales, teaching, coaching, healing, and public speaking.
In this LinkedIn Live event, I offer insights and tips about how we can make people feel engaged and seen. By the end of the session, we will understand interpersonal immediacy techniques that we can use to reduce (or increase if desirable) three main types of distance between people.
Improve Communication and Relationships by Knowing and Speaking to Listening Styles.?Gino Perrotte (LinkedIn Live,?March 2, 2022).
"Who's responsible for listening and how can we do it better? We often assume that 100% of the responsibility?of the communication exchange belongs to the listener. We give our power away when we won't accept our responsibility in the process, too, as the speaker.
We are empowered in communication when we accept at least 50% of the responsibility for the listening exchange -- at least half to the speaker and the other half to the listener. Knowing this leads us to an important question: Can we speak in a way that is inviting for the other person to want to listen?
In this?LinkedIn?Live event, I explain the 4 main Listening Styles and offer insights and tips about how we can communicate in a way that is inviting for?each listening style. By the end of the session, we will understand that each?Listening Style has its advantages and disadvantages and how to engage each type of listener.
What's your preferred Listening Style? Find out by taking this free 10-question Listening Styles Survey.
Why meeting another’s gaze is so powerful. BBC (website article).
The reaction when two people lock eyes in a crowded room is a staple of romantic cinema. But the complex, unconscious reactions that take place are anything but make believe.
When you look another person in the eye, then, just think: it is perhaps the closest you will come to ‘touching brains’ – or touching souls if you like to be more poetic about these things.
"In one study conducted at a science museum,?psychologists recently tried to establish the preferred length of eye contact. They concluded that, on average, it is three seconds long (and no one preferred gazes that lasted longer than nine seconds)."
What is Your Phone Doing to Your Relationships? Greater Good Science Center (website article).
"Phubbing is?the practice of snubbing others in favor of our mobile phones. We’ve all been there, as either victim or perpetrator. We may no longer even notice when we’ve been phubbed (or are phubbing), it has become such a normal part of life. However, research studies are revealing the profound impact phubbing can have on our relationships and well-being."
5 ways to listen better. Julian Treasure (Ted Talk).
"In our louder and louder world, says sound expert Julian Treasure, "We are losing our listening." In this short, fascinating talk, Treasure shares five ways to re-tune your ears for conscious listening -- to other people and the world around you."
Resource: One-on-one customized coaching
About this newsletter:
Conscious communication is a tool that connects us to ourselves and to others in meaningful ways. As with any tool, the more skillful we are at using it, the better the results we achieve. Communication is an important tool because when we do it well it leads to better relationships.
For more than 20 years, I’ve worked with thousands of people from all over the world to increase their consciousness and improve their business communication and public speaking skills so that they can get to the good stuff in life, faster.
So, my goal with this monthly newsletter is to share my expertise in the field of interpersonal communication as a leader, award-winning educator, and coach who helps people transform their work and lives through conscious communication.