Connect

David Bradford and Carole Robin (2021).?Connect: Building exceptional relationships with family, friends and colleagues.?Penguin Life

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3?This book is about a special type of relationship we call exceptional

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3?Relationships exist on a continuum

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4, 19?Exceptional relationships can be developed.?They have six hallmarks:

1.?????You can be more fully yourself, and so can the other person.

2.?????Both of you are willing to be vulnerable.

3.?????You trust that self-disclosures will not be used against you.

4.?????You can be honest with each other.

5.?????You deal with conflict productively.

6.?????Both of you are committed to each other’s growth and development.

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4?The first three center around self-disclosure

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4?Oscar Wilde … “Be yourself, everybody else is taken.”

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5?The last three hallmarks have to do with feedback and conflict

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6?Soft skills require a lot of hard work

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7?Students … are placed in a twelve-person group

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7-8?faculty … Our function is simply to build conditions in which students learn

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8?Experts have come to recognize that interpersonal/soft skills are fundamental to professional success.?A central belief we hold is that people do business with people

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11-12?the only mistake is refusing to learn from our mistakes

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12?With experiential learning, you try something first and then learn about it

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13?look outward, and … focus inward … you have to become acutely aware of what’s going on for you as well as for the other

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15?Deep relationships take time … But it takes two to tango

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17?You can’t significantly develop a relationship … unless you’re open to learning … also applies to a willingness to look within … 1970s … Pogo … “We have found the enemy and he is us.” … Curiosity is key … Having an open mind for continuous learning is a wonderful way to live

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17?yet … Carol Dweck … growth mindsets

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18?select four or five relationships

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28-29?old adage: “To know all is to forgive all.” … You can’t share everything about yourself at once or too early in the process of becoming known

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30?most people err … on the side of caution, causing the relationship to stagnate … “Try the 15 Percent Rule.”

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32?Going outside your comfort zone is fundamental to learning

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33?sharing facts starts to build a larger picture of who we are but only goes so far.?What tends to have more impact is sharing feelings … emotional reactions

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37?Daniel Goleman … emotional intelligence …. being in touch with one’s emotions and expressing them appropriately was a key determinant in leadership success

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37?Hamlet’s quandary, “to share, or not to share.” … why not just name the dilemma?

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38?We have one more important point to make about expressing feelings, and it’s about the language we use to do so … the phrase “I feel” … can be used in two different ways – one useful, and one misleading.?It can be used to express an emotion … or it can express a thought/cognition … use the term “feel” only to express an emotion … [pay] attention to the word that follows “I feel.”?

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39?in any given situation, you have many choices about how to respond … “having agency.”

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42?“… I really value our friendship … but it also makes me nervous what others might think or even what you might think …”

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43?there is vulnerable and there is vulnerable

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44?a leader who is not willing to be vulnerable sets a norm that does not encourage any others in the organization to do that either

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45?In the absence of data, people will make stuff up … When we are too reserved, we actually lose control over how we are seen … Fran?ois de La Rochefoucauld … “We’re so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.” … “the Creeping Constraint of Secrets.”

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46?Devoutly religious students often feel constrained from sharing their religious beliefs out of concern for others’ judgment

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47?risking a 15 percent disclosure is what builds safety

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50?You can’t build an exceptional relationship all on your own

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54?Empathy is different from sympathy

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55-56?make sure your curiosity is authentic … you don’t actually know what’s going on for them … na?ve curiosity

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56?The most effective open-ended questions don’t begin with the word “why.”

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58?There is wisdom to the adage “It’s better to have the wrong solution to the right problem than the right solution to the wrong problem”

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58?advice is so often useless … because another’s issues seem so much easier to solve than our own … Lone Ranger … silver bullet

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62?The difference between being curious and being intrusive can be a very fine line

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62?consider how much more difficult it is when issues of status or perceived status are in play

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65?setting boundaries is also crucial

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69?for relationships to endure, influence must be balanced and matched

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72?studies show that dissatisfaction with marriage increases once a couple has children and only decreases after those children have left home

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75-76?Agreements that feel right at one point don’t necessarily work as well later on … The best relationships continue to evolve

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77?When someone (generally a woman) quits their job to become a stay-at-home parent, the balance of power in the relationship shifts.?The at home parent often loses status with regard to decisions around money and how it’s spent, which creates further tension

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78?a meta-level discussion … “Can we talk about why we can’t talk?” … This ability to process how we communicate and problem-solve is one of the most crucial competencies in building deep relationships

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79?If you don’t double down on commitment when conflicts arise, you are less likely to have a good outcome

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80?People give influence away all the time, often without realizing they are doing so … the single most limiting one is the fear of conflict

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86?there is truth in the adage “Own your feelings or they will own you.”

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86?“pinch”

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87?“crunch”

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87?Interpersonal issues are inevitable … But … it’s easier to raise problems before they develop into major conflicts

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91?People are often hesitant to raise pinches out of concern that doing so might make them seem thin-skinned and petty … speaking up might make things worse … we assume the other meant no harm

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93?everyone is subject to confirmation bias?

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93?Victor Borge once said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

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93?Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas’s research suggests, “Laughter makes us more physically resilient to tensions and stressors … facilitates social bonding and increases trust.?When people laugh together at work, relationships improve, and people feel more valued and trusted.”

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94?On the other hand, humor rarely works if the joke is at one person’s expense or is an indirect way of saying something that isn’t funny at all

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94?The problem with using humor to convey a message is its inherent ambiguity

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98?behaviorally specific feedback … a crucial competence

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98?Joel Peterson … “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.”

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98-99?three different areas of understanding, or realities, that exist when two people interact … The first … intent … The second … behavior … The third … is the impact … You have to stay on your side of the net

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100?adage “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

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101?observable behavior

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101?Behaviorally specific feedback is powerful

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103?All feedback is data

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107?Feedback that is close in time to an event is especially impactful

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108?the “feedback sandwich,” … approach rarely works … it is seen as the ploy that it is – something intended not to provide a learning opportunity, but to manipulate

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109?an opportunity rather than a problem

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112?defensiveness can lead to escalation and prevent both parties from learning

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113?“over the net”

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113?sometimes feedback comes in very ugly wrapping – but that doesn’t mean there’s not a gift inside

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114?feedback starts a conversation.?It doesn’t end it

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119?Emotions are central to the feedback model

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120?Feelings are never “wrong.”?What might be inappropriate is how you express them or what you attribute the cause to

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121?ask for twenty minutes to cool down and then talk about it

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122?Most people don’t realize that anger is a secondary emotion … it can be very useful to recognize anger if you can resist moving to blame and accusations and explore what lies underneath it

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122-123?As human beings we have a strong need to make sense of our experiences … Once we make up a story, an attribution is an easy leap … Attributions and labels oversimplify and are dangerously reductionistic

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123?much of becoming more interpersonally competent requires mindfulness

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124?There are four critical stages when it comes to addressing complex issues.?First is getting the other person to take the issue seriously.?Second, they have to be willing to fully share what’s going on for them.?Third, you want to arrive at a mutually satisfying solution, not just settle for the minimum that will end the discussion.?Finally, you need to determine if the relationship is in need of some repair work

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127?“Let’s just agree to disagree.” … might make sense when it comes to politics or large ideological differences, but not in the context of building robust relationships

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128?saying “I’m sorry” is very powerful

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129?When you think the feedback is exaggerated, defensiveness can keep you from exploring what aspects might have some validity

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131?defensiveness is often a sign that there is a kernel of truth in the feedback … “Sh*t sticks only if there’s something for it to stick to.”

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131?the key determining factor for both relationship development and individual growth is an ability to learn.?It’s also instrumental to success at work

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133?feedback is a gift – but just because someone gives you a gift, it doesn’t mean you’re required to use it

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136?being vulnerable requires strength … a cost to avoiding conflict

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136?people can change

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136-137?Richard Beckhard explained with an interesting formula the conditions under which people are more likely to change: R < D x V x F … R is for “resistance to change.” … D stands for “dissatisfaction,” … V stands for “vision,” … F stands for “first steps,”

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139?saying … you can’t teach old dogs new tricks

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141?There’s a big difference between personality and behavior.?Personality is extremely difficult to change

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143?often when you want somebody to modify a behavior … it might be easier to think of this as a dial to be turned down a bit as opposed to a switch to be turned off

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149?“… the issue is not whether you are listening to me, it’s whether I’m feeling heard …”

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150-151?“feeling emotionally met.” … There are two ways to think about meeting others emotionally.?One is what they need to feel, and the other is what you need to do … listening for underlying meaning … Active listening … Paraphrasing / acknowledging feelings … Active empathy … Conveying care … Suspending judgment and engaging in curiosity and inquiry

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152?it is rare that one conversation … can fully change … deeply rooted habitual behavior … It’s a process of “two steps forward and one back,” … Too often, we focus on what a person does wrong, forgetting how impactful positive reinforcement can be

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152?sometimes a straight line is the longest distance between two points

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154?The more you know your emotions, the less likely you are to be controlled by them

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160?Brené Brown … “when we numb anger, sadness, and fear, we also numb gratitude, love, and joy.”

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164?anger is a second-order emotion and there are usually more vulnerable feelings beneath it

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164?False pride locks you into a rigid stance and often leads to giving up control of what will happen

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165?“What’s going on??Can we get out of this?”?

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177?the entire book – deals with two related statements: In almost every case, we have choices, and How the other person responds makes some choices easier and others more difficult

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178?others can influence us, but they need not control us

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178?There can be danger in taking no responsibility for the other’s reaction … Conversely, there can be danger in taking too much responsibility … I have a choice and I am affected by you

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179?Even though conflict can feel stressful and even dangerous, it can actually be helpful

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192?The earlier repair attempts begin, the more productive the likely outcome … they continued to engage with each other until they both felt at least somewhat heard, emotionally met, and able to express their commitment.

????It was also important to take a break

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192?An adage from the 1960s personal growth movement was “Never let the sun set on a dispute.”?We strongly disagree

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193?“Don’t just do something; sit there.”

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201?the tricky issue of exceptional relationships at work … They’re possible but require some extra considerations

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207?jointly agree with what has to be done without getting into how

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211?We don’t advise using a third party to come up with solutions, because they don’t have all the relevant information

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213?The more complicated a situation (and relationship) the more issues are likely to arise in the process of problem-solving

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216?Plutarch … “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” … a true friend doesn’t tell you what you want to hear – they tell you what they believe is best for you

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219?I’d be happy at some point to be a sounding board, but not as a substitute for …

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220?“I see support as being as much about challenging your thinking as about agreeing with you …”

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222?The potential for continued learning and growth is not always easy to deal with, but it’s also part of what makes exceptional relationships feel magical … Growth in one relationship should not be at the expense of another

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224?As commonly said, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

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224?focus on his behavior, not on his personality … toughness, especially when the other wants to go the route of avoidance

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224?It’s difficult, if not impossible, to build exceptional relationships with people who are fragile

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233?“… I’m not sure being bored is a good reason to toss a marriage overboard … Just seems like a line that’s really hard to come back from once you cross it.”

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240?a central tenet of this book: the importance of a learning mindset

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245?An important outcome of exceptional relationships is the opportunity to grow and develop, but that growth has to be in the directions each person wants – not in the direction the other wants for them

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246?Exceptional requires a willingness to look at issues, allow for the possibility of being wrong, and consider new ways of seeing things

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249?One of the potential downsides of focusing on exceptional relationships is devaluing any connection that doesn’t reach that level

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250?Sometimes we just need to accept others for who they are

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255?Wanting different things out of a relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be an obstacle, but it does have to be addressed

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257?Sam Goldwyn … “Tell me the truth, even if it costs you your job.”

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258?most managers and employees want more open and direct conversations than they often have … “… All the people in this program are secure and centered, but all have bosses who are fragile and insecure …”

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259?two books David [Bradford] co-authored with … Allan Cohen: Power Up: Transforming Organizations Through Shared Leadership and Influence Without Authority

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271-272?We did not “demonize” each other … Neither of us got locked into false pride … We differentiated understanding from agreement … We let go of logic to explore the deeper personal issues … the four criteria of successful conflict resolution

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272?Kintsugi, or “golden repair,” is a Japanese art form for fixing broken pottery … It is also a philosophy: if an object has been damaged, then it has a history that should be celebrated rather than hidden, covered up, or discarded … when something has been subjected to damage, it becomes more beautiful

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275?We all hold back sharing significant parts of ourselves because we fear being negatively judged

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276?These fears limit growth and learning and reduce willingness to take risks and experiment with new behavior … “Fear” is sometimes an acronym for “false expectations appearing real.”

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276?it is only when we can manage our fears and take the necessary risks that exceptional becomes possible

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276?see your weaknesses not as something to beat yourself up about, but as a part of being human that gives you opportunities to grow

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277?Knowing yourself and accepting yourself allows you to develop an internal gyroscope … Learning and growing always require risk-taking … be a lifelong learner … profoundly connect with another human being?