Congruence - The Key to the best and healthiest relationships

Recently, I came across an intriguing post on LinkedIn by Colby Kultgen , which highlighted the findings from the world’s longest study on happiness, conducted by Harvard and directed by Dr. Robert Waldinger (watch his TED talk) . The study, spanning an incredible 86 years, unearthed a simple yet profound truth: the key to a healthy and fulfilled life lies in the quality of our relationships. It wasn’t wealth, fame, or professional success that led to happiness—it was the depth of connection with others.

This got me thinking about how elusive these deep, fulfilling relationships can sometimes feel. Despite our best intentions, many of us struggle to cultivate and maintain the kinds of connections that nourish us.

As I contemplated this, I was reminded of Carl Rogers’ famous study on helping relationships and the ten powerful considerations he posed as reflective questions—questions that feel as relevant today as they did decades ago. These questions, which ask us to consider how we truly show up in relationships, are a powerful framework for understanding trust, connection, and ultimately, happiness.

While each question is deeply reflective. Let’s explore his first question today.

Can I be in a way that will be perceived by the other person as trustworthy, dependable, or consistent in some deep sense?

Imagine this: You’re in a conversation with your closest friend. You're listening intently, nodding along, offering polite affirmations. On the surface, everything looks fine—calm, consistent, trustworthy. But inside, you’re miles away, distracted by something else, annoyed even. That facade of calm? It’s an act. And no matter how much we convince ourselves otherwise, people can feel it when we're not being real with them.

This gap between how we feel and how we present ourselves isn’t just a passing moment of distraction. It’s a deeper issue, and it’s at the heart of trustworthiness. It’s not about always being the same; it’s about being real in each moment—something Carl Rogers, a pioneering psychologist, called congruence. And it’s this congruence, born from self-awareness, that lays the foundation for trust in relationships.

But let’s face it: self-awareness, like quality relationships, is hard to cultivate. Even harder to maintain. So how do we stay real, especially when everything in life seems to demand we wear some kind of mask?

The Power of Self-Awareness in Trustworthiness

Self-awareness is like holding a mirror up to yourself. It allows you to recognize not just your external actions but the emotions, thoughts, and motivations driving them. It’s uncomfortable, but vital.

?Rogers’ concept of congruence centers on this idea: that in order to be trustworthy, we must first understand ourselves and then allow how we behave externally to align with our internal experiences. In other words, trustworthiness isn’t about always being consistent in our actions, but about being real and honest in how we show up in each moment.

This is a profound shift in thinking. Rather than striving for perfection or constant reliability in the traditional sense, we need to focus on being present, aware, and honest. It’s not about being the same person in every moment but being congruent with who we are in that moment—whether we’re feeling happy, sad, frustrated, or confused.

When we are self-aware, we can acknowledge those feelings instead of suppressing them. This creates a sense of authenticity that others can sense, leading to deeper trust. It’s the difference between pretending to be calm while feeling irritated and admitting, “I’m feeling a bit off today, but I want to hear what you have to say.” In the long run, people trust and depend on us not because we’re perfect, but because we’re real.

When Self-Awareness is Absent: The Role of Saboteurs

The sad reality? We often step into relationships with our saboteurs in control —those internal voices that sabotage our relationships without us even realizing it. One of the most damaging saboteurs is the Judge, which thrives on criticism, comparison, and condemnation. The Judge sets unrealistic standards, causing us to critique ourselves and others harshly, leading to unnecessary stress and disconnection.

Take, for example, a mother and daughter. A daughter might come home after a tough day at school and share a small failure. The mother, driven by the Judge’s perfectionism, might respond, “Well, if you had studied more, you wouldn’t have failed that test.” In that moment, the mother’s real intention—to encourage and guide her daughter—is sabotaged by the Judge’s need to criticize. The daughter, feeling judged, withdraws. Trust? Broken.

The same can happen between friends. Imagine two friends, Ajay and Janani. Ajay, stressed from work, starts nitpicking Janani’s choices, what they ordered, their career decisions, even their social life - questioning their life decisions or habits. Janani, , hurt by the sudden barrage of judgment, shuts down. In both cases, the saboteurs—whether the Judge or others—take over, creating distance and mistrust.

Congruence: The Antidote to Sabotage

What if, instead, the mother in the first example had paused, recognized her inner Judge speaking, and acknowledged it without letting it take over? What if she said, “I hear you. I know you worked hard, and sometimes things don’t go as we planned. I’m proud of you for trying.” That response comes from congruence. It reflects her true care for her daughter, aligning with her real intention to support her daughter rather than the Judge’s need to criticize.

In the same way, Ajay could recognize the stress driving their judgment of Janani. Instead of projecting that frustration onto their friend, Ajay could own the feeling and express it: “Sorry, I’ve had a rough day at work, and I’m feeling tense. I didn’t mean to take it out on you”— Ajay could repair the moment and rebuild trust.

These are small but profound shifts that build trust rather than erode it. By becoming aware of our internal saboteurs, we can step out of reactive patterns and show up in a way that aligns with our deeper intentions, fostering relationships built on genuine trust.

The Cost of Ignoring Saboteurs

When we fail to recognize our saboteurs, they run rampant. Relationships deteriorate not because of what’s said or done in the moment but because of the erosion of trust over time. The Judge is just one of many saboteurs we carry. Others include:

• The Pleaser: Driven by a need to be liked, the Pleaser sacrifices authenticity, making promises or commitments they can’t sustain, leading to eventual resentment.
• The Controller: Desperate to feel secure, the Controller dominates conversations, decisions, and actions, leaving the other person feeling unseen and unheard.
• The Avoider: Fleeing from discomfort, the Avoider evades difficult conversations, causing misunderstandings to fester and grow into larger problems.

These saboteurs create a disconnect between our internal experience and external behavior, leading to relationships that feel strained, shallow, or transactional. The root cause? A lack of self-awareness.

5 Ways to Cultivate Self-Awareness and Act in Congruence

So how can we bring more self-awareness into our relationships and act with congruence? Here are five practices inspired by Carl Rogers’ work and the concept of saboteurs:

1. Pause and Reflect: Before reacting, pause and ask yourself: What am I really feeling right now? What’s driving my response? This creates space between your initial reaction and your deeper truth.
2. Own Your Emotions: Practice expressing your emotions honestly, without blaming others. Instead of saying, “You always make me feel this way,” try, “I’m feeling upset right now because…”
3. Notice Your Saboteurs: Learn to identify when your inner Judge, Pleaser, or Controller is in charge. Are you nitpicking? Over-promising? Shutting down? Becoming aware of these patterns is the first step to shifting them.
4. Practice Empathy: Cultivate empathy by considering how your words and actions land for the other person. Ask yourself: How would I feel if I were in their shoes?
5. Stay Open to Feedback: : Create a space for open, honest dialogue. Invite honest feedback from those you trust. This not only helps you grow in self-awareness but also deepens the trust in your relationships.

Conclusion

At the heart of every strong, healthy relationship lies trust. And at the heart of trust lies congruence—being real, even when it’s hard. The world may value consistency, but true dependability comes from being self-aware, honest, and aligned with your deepest intentions. By recognizing our saboteurs, practicing self-awareness, and striving for congruence, we can build relationships that are not only lasting but life-changing.

Because in the end, the best relationships aren’t built on perfection—they’re built on being real.

#Trustworthiness #SelfAwareness #Congruence #EmotionalIntelligence #PositiveRelationships #CarlRogers #MentalFitness #PersonalGrowth #Authenticity #Saboteurs #Mindfulness #HarvardStudy #HumanConnection #RelationshipBuilding #CommunicationSkills

Upcoming programs

Last mental fitness program for 2024 - starting 8 November 2024

Ready to take control of your mind and transform your life? Join the upcoming 6-week Positive Intelligence Mental Fitness Program starting on 8 November! This program will help you not only identify your internal saboteurs but also rob them of their power to undermine your performance, well-being, and relationships.

You’ll build powerful Sage Muscles—the mental strength to respond to life’s challenges with a positive, growth-oriented mindset, countering every attempt by your saboteurs to derail your happiness and success.

Running until 22 December, this program is the perfect gift to yourself as you head into the new year. I promise it will be one of the best investments you ever make, with life-changing benefits.

Don’t wait—seats are limited, and this is the final opportunity this year. Start now by completing the free Saboteur assessment , and booking a complimentary discovery call .

Take the first step toward a more powerful you!

About the Newsletter

The Evolving Way: A Life in Play is a journey into growth, fulfillment, and mental fitness. This newsletter embraces the philosophy that life isn’t about reaching a fixed destination, but about engaging fully in the process of evolving. "A Life in Play" means adopting a mindset that sees every experience as an opportunity for exploration, learning, and growth.

Inspired by Carl Rogers’ belief that life is fluid and ever-changing, we focus on empowering you to navigate challenges with curiosity and resilience. Whether you’re an executive, a leader, or simply someone seeking a more fulfilled life, this is your space to explore mental fitness, embrace uncertainty, and cultivate inner strength. Let’s step into life with the freedom to experiment, make mistakes, and evolve toward our best selves.

Subscribe to stay updated with the latest insights from "A Life in Pay".