In Confusion To Myself:
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an Immovable object? In my case, it's the mystery of my life and the mystery of the objective behaviors that I elicit that seem to defy both reason and explanation, Often times, I find myself baffled by both the external reality and the internal reality of what is around us. I suspect No one will read this article and it really doesn't matter, because I write this to myself in this time where everyone is a liar, cheater and commits immorality yet, everything remains unclear despite reaching this point in my own development? 20 some odd books later and I feel no closer to my longer-objectives. The more I read the less I found, it feels like walking through a desert with no water in a thousand miles in any direction despite having a map and doing everything correctly but it just didn't matter. How strange is this? What are we to make of all the things that we do in life? From porn addiction to video-game addiction to all of my problems, to this perpetual battle of looking in the mirror into the deepest part of my soul, I look for the answers I've so often searched. but I feel no closer to finding what it is that I am looking for. How can we make sense of this confusion?
How can we make sense of doing everything right but yet everything goes so wrong?
Why do some people work so hard but gain so little?
In my time, studying ADHD and studying success of people, I've seen deep trends with what makes success, consistency, work ethic, a disgusting amount of persistent and compounding those behaviors over years, it's a fairly simple formula but why is it so hard to follow? Often times, it feels like I am carry the Moon and the earth and all I get is a fucking candy-bar while the other guy gets a gold bar. I typically pay no attention to it because, it doesn't fucking matter. At the same-time, it's as if reality defies my intention, as if all the solutions in the world don't matter precisely, the problem was never about a developed solution. It was never about creating a solution but addressing the intrinsic problem of emotional states. The problem, was never really with attention per-se, but rather with the inability to be able to decipher and dictate those emotions to reflect the reality as accurately as possible. What I discovered is what would be know as Synchronicities.
I have observed many strange things occur through acasual means, that simply could not be coincidences because, I literally saw them hundreds of times throughout my life, yet I couldn't explain it. How can someone know my emotional state over the internet if they have never met me? How can someone text me randomly when I am in my most optimal emotional state? How is it possible that opportunities increase based on your apparent emotional reality, rather than based on your competence.
How can we explain this? How can we explain why reality, is not based off what you know but something as worthless and useless as emotions? What the fuck does this all mean? Why am I here? What is the point of all this? These are the questions, I ask myself.
I quickly discovered the true power of Synchronicities, once I went briefly on the dating scene and I began to see cognitive alignments with women, they could sense whatever I felt, no matter how much I tried to hide it, they simply knew. It did not matter what I knew, how much I knew, if X emotional state did not occur then attraction was lost. Regardless, of what I did. It was fucking infuriating and it angered me and it still angers me. Why can I not control these acasual events. Why is it so difficult for things beyond our control to undo our efforts to do what is right. Why am I constantly being undermined. Did I do something wrong? What does it mean?
I remember before, I went out on a date with one girl, she implicated to me when she went on the date, that she had a hard-time sleeping the night before and I implicated I was anxious and yet, we both had the same exact problem: Anxiety. Her emotional state was my emotional state, she mirrored whatever I did and she managed to do it 40 miles away. How is that possible? The meeting went well, but it dwindled like everything else, because she like everyone else seemed to anticipate a specific emotional state, that was contingent on my objective success courting her and going forward. These experiences, you will find in all aspects in your life, or you Synchronicities of experience, are dependent on your emotions you give off in a consistent time-frame. For much of that, time sense I've been in Monk-mode thinking and reflecting, as if I am waiting for something, but what am I waiting for? In this time of a false-pandemic, you yourself, may be facing a similar situation where you did everything and your simply not sure what to do. What does this mean?
Synchronicities, I would quickly realize, had to do with not anything that you have done intrinsically good or bad but rather it's simply a response to your internal being. You cannot lie to your reality, your reality will know whatever it is that you do. If you stole, your reality will bring it to you and they will know. Synchronicities, in my view are incredibly frustrating because, it's not dependent on any specific ability, it's not dependent on how much you know, it's not dependent on your intention or doing the right thing, it seems to cause acasual alignments of events that are dependent on the energy that you give off to the rest of the world around you. I can easily remember, when I had 10 phone numbers collected and I could easily access any girl with little to no effort, without asking because they intrinsically knew somehow, that I had acquired something of value and wanted to take part in that creation of value and more and more numbers would pour it like it was nothing. Events line up not in accordance of our intention but in accordance of what emotions we reliably give off on a given basis, seem to heavily determine what happens whether good or bad in our lives.
Yet, this theory is incomplete because I've never been able to synchronize the desires that I truly have wanted, no matter what I did, it simply never worked. Hence, Why I stopped giving a fuck about holding down a job. Why I am in monk mode. It's simple, because it was never in my control from the start. Something else was thwarting my intention and it wasn't just ADHD, I just never knew what it was. Was it because I am an evil person? I never felt like I did wrong to people, but that I felt to do justice and to seek truth. To seek truth and to do justice in the best means and pursuit that I best new how to pursue. Yet, their was something much deeper going on with my failures whether in business, going job to job, failing totally with relationships, constantly having these social externalities manifesting to me in my overreactive state. I just didn't know why it was happening..I knew something was going on in the background but what the fuck was it??
In theory, it is simple hold down X job for 15 hours be consistent, work finish school,--> workout get gains and go into a long-term plan. Yet this plan has proven impossible to execute reliably, When I realized, that people had been my entire life synchronizing my emotional states of anxiety and this perpetual uncertainty, I suspect has been causing these strange patterns. This overreactivity and false cognitive distorsions are often disturbances of realities, that are not actually true, but false-alarms set-off from an acasual factor I've spent months attempting to troubleshoot but nothing seems to have worked.
What a curiosity? The thing that I want the most, a long-term solution to this food-anxiety trigger or cognitive distortions that triggers these negative acasual synchronicities would solve basically all of my problems permanently. A long-term solution to the medication paradox or a better capacity of sustain output would lead to a 100% improvement to my life, it is the e=mc^2 answer that would unlock my hidden latent potential and finally let me live the true life that I've been desiring live for quite sometime.
For years, I asked this question: Where is my long-term solution? Where is the final-tool? So I can make the proper progress? Everything else was meaningless, it all did not matter. Rather only this long-term solution is the final solution to all problems and then everything is Eden to me. No more being a fucking broke ass, no more failures finally a solution. Yet, for some odd reason it's the only solution of Synchronicity that has never manifested into reality. The ultimate question, I asked myself and wanted as far back as when I was 16, I asked if I had this X thing to God Almighty, then if he would provide what I needed. Yet he did not provide, he kept silent, as the suffering and the night continued.
Ultimately, the point of my philosophical questioning is quite simple, what happens when you get into a space, where you did everything correctly but it just doesn't matter, whether because for some reason you have stage 4 cancer despite living a pious life but you will die soon. Theirs no reason for it. No explanation. It just is. How do you respond to it? How do you handle it? I acknowledge that life is not fair. That it is unequal God. What is it you want from me? What would you have me do? I ask you my audience, what do you want to do?
It's not in the best situations that tell us, who we are. It's in the worst situations where we make that choice, that decides who you are. As Siruius Black said in Harry-potter, You are not a bad-person, Every person has both light and darkness inside of us, It's the part we choose to act on that determines who and what we are. The decisions, that make every single Fucking day, that vote That Today, I will BE THIS over this.
Yet, sometimes I would like that answer. I'd like to know it. To know that possibility, so you could quit kicking me in the fucking face, Yet I don't give a fuck. I will keep coming back until I am dead. But What if? What if we could be more? What if their was more to life than what we thought possible? How, do we discover these possibilities? How do we make them happen? How do we consistently do the right thing the majority of time when the majority of the world, is doing the wrong thing the majority of the time.
Yes, my friends our challenge is to not let these moments get to us. To think back and look deep into the deepest corners of our mind and Dig deep. Look into your soul. Look back inside that child. Look back into your suffering and your angst you felt when you were denied. Look into the deepest corner of your kind and Use it as fuel. David Goggins, often says that the battle of being who you want to become isn't about anything at all but about the daily grind of being Me. He says that the energy is all around us, we just have to look for it. Today that is what I am doing, I am thinking back to every-little thing that went wrong, From being broke as FUCK for ages, to getting bullied, to feeling susicidal, to feeling like a failure, to feeling incomplete, to being denied what is mine. I am looking into the deepest areas of my mind to remember. To remember the pain that was caused to me, to fucking remember the agony, I had to come through to get here. In the end it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, is that we make the right choices NOW, because this is the only chance we will get.
I confess God, I don't know what the answer is. I am Lost. I don't know. I would like to know. I am tired of being thirsty in the desert. Give me a reprieve. Give me a sign, Give me anything, if not then I will continue with or without you their. However, I'd like to know just for once. Who else is more deserving? Perhaps, the greatest curse, is to watched the most wretdchedness attain the most blessedness through the means of sanctity, through the means of a beautiful life, that they clearly have no appreciation for. Whereas', those who have suffered into agony and torment, have been denied our blessedness. I would like to drink some fucking water. You've taken too much water, I want a drink. I am Thirsty. Yes, i am Thirsty.
If required, I will break you and break your bones and steal the water if required neurotypical. You've stolen enough from me. So have you ADHD. It's time for you to be retired. It's time, for a new way to be developed. The way has to be here somewhere...I Just haven't found it yet.. In the meaningless of all these synchronicities, their must be a meaning in all this meaninglessness, their must be more to this. But what is it. In your own life, my dear reader, Look inside yourself, look into your mind and when the times get hard and when it is all dark and hopeless look for that energy. Do not envy, but find the deeper you and make the right decision when no one is looking because that's when it matters the most.
As for me, It may be possible that I will never find the yellow-brick road, Maybe, I am Like H.M who had perpetual retrogade amnesia and he fruitlessily attempted to remember for 50 years and died like a lab rat. He attempted to attain what did not exist but he did not give a fuck because, his effort was all that mattered even if it was futile. Maybe, I will die of starvation and water thirst in the desert and they will find my bones as a curiosity. Maybe. Possibly. Likely. This reality, I accept. Yet, I ask once more, Why is Life so difficult. Where is my answer. Have I not suffered enough? The undeserved are the deserved and when they get they deserved the world, would be a bright beacon, yet it is darkness nothing but darkness.
All around us people lie, cheat. steal, murder, rape, pillage, pollute and manipulate the public. The US government has made their decisions to do differently, your friends have made their decisions to do the wrong things and so does the rest of the world. Your challenge, is to in despite of all these odds, in despite of all this, that you remain one of the few who is still trying to do what is right what is correct. You are the Light. Without people like us, all is truly Lost. Be the light and do not let the darkness get to you. In the end without the light all would be dark forever. This is our journey, this is are task to keep the beacon going long enough for the final sacrament from God to be given to us, even if it's not in my lifetime or in the next 3 life-times, just long enough. What will you do. That is the question of the hour. With the hours, days and minutes left. It is your choice after all....