Confrontation or Conversation

Why does confrontation scare the begebeez out of a lot of people?

Many will do all in their power to avoid confrontation, especially if they have to hold themselves to account and confront who they are being.

Why do we resort to snarky passive-aggression or just flat-out aggression instead of just telling it like it is?

Why do we often find it hard to just state what we need?

Saying that something was wrong or hurtful? Or Not acceptable to our personal standards?

Sometimes it is the confrontation about the “lies” and stories we tell ourselves to avoid our self-confrontation, so we can avoid fulfilling our own needs.

Maybe even that, *gasp*, thing that pissed us off is showing us we fear the consequence if we speak our truth while fearing it will just create more confrontation. So, we just swallow the pissed-off energy and carry that “grudge” to another day, another month, another year.

So why do we often steer clear of confrontation, at all cost?

Fear? Pride? Self-Righteousness?

My personal theory is that people are afraid of the strong emotions that confrontation can trigger. Emotions that often our environment or society around us have tagged as “too much”, “too intimate”, or “too intense”.

So, we bury them in other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

But that doesn't help either.

One of the greatest gifts of self-awareness is the ability to remove the reactions from confrontation as we evolve to being grounded in our emotions so much that we can respond to our emotions, speaking to them with clarity and conviction.

Once you can do that, confrontation could even be renamed “conversation”.

How about that concept??!!

The key to confrontation is one of my favorite lines from the Desiderata:

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others. Even the dull and ignorant, they too have their stories.”

In other words, honor someone else’s truth while expressing your own. Employ Empathy.

I’m going to add some personal caveats. Let people walk away from your “conversation” with their pride.

Stick to the damn topic. Don’t bring up past issues and don’t hit below the belt.

And don’t raise your voice. No yelling, no screaming. If you keep your voice calm, even if it is firm and direct, it will work wonders in keeping your body calm.

Now, don’t think that I think that all confrontation will present in a way that will make this easy, or even possible at times. I get it, boy do I GET it. I am a fiery, passionate person. I know all my range of emotions. ??

Yeah, I REALLY do get that it can be hard to stay calm when an emotional event just happened and you’re in reaction mode.

But it really does serve us to do our best to just "Get Over It".

Take a step back and a deep breath. Or 10.

Take a moment to reframe the situation, reframe your thoughts. If you have the opportunity before a confrontational moment, take the time to write down all of your truth, raw and real. Then, like a great editor, strike out the emotional expressions that aren’t going to work in your favor, emotionally and tactically.

Confrontation moves forward to greater resolve much easier when two open minds are in the boxing ring.

Whatever the precipitating event was, it’s done. How you deal with the aftermath is what’s important.

You always have a choice. You can choose not to get triggered. You really can.

Now, as a past sufferer of PTSD rages from multiple old violent traumas, I get very well not all triggers are of the surface kind. Some are deep and need digging out to shift and reframe. Some take therapy and medication to control they are so deeply rooted in our being.

So, tell me. Are you going to have a confrontation or conversation the next time a triggering event occurs?

Very curious to hear how this post sits with you. Let me know in the comments or DM me.