Are You Speaking Without Thinking - Or Thinking Before Speaking?

"Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet." - African proverb

Are you not happy with how someone is treating you? Instead of jumping in with both feet and blurting out exactly how you feel, it's better to ask yourself these Choose Your Battle questions.

Here's what I mean.

A friend, who was Director of Patient Care for a medical group, finally succeeded in getting pregnant after years of trying. She had a difficult nine months and spent the last trimester at home under doctor-ordered bed rest. She gave birth to a healthy son, but had complications and needed several more months to recover before she could return to work full-time.

Shortly after returning, she learned (by accident) that her salary was substantially less than the other department heads. She was really upset because her credentials, responsibilities, and seniority were equivalent to her peers. She told me she was going to march into her CEO's office the next day and demand this inequity be rectified.

I asked her, "Therese, is it good timing? The question isn't whether you're right, it's whether it's wise to pursue this right now."

I suggested she put herself in boss's shoes and see things from his point of view.

In his mind, the company had made major sacrifices to honor her health situation. They had held her position open and had paid her full salary while she was on maternity leave. If she walked in with demands now, his reaction may be, "You're more trouble than you're worth."

She realized it was more strategic to get back up to speed in her job and prove her worth with stellar work performance. If she approached her CEO about this issue after she had reestablished her bottom-line value, he'd be more likely to say YES to her request and bring her salary into alignment with that of her colleagues.

You're probably familiar with this timeless quote from Rienhold Niebuhr, "Give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other."

The thing is, how can we make that distinction when "to speak or not to speak?" (Thanks Shakespeare.) These criteria can help us decide when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

Sam Horn's 7 Choose Your Battle Criteria

1. Is it trivial??Maybe a customer calls you "Honey," and you don't like being called "Honey." Ask yourself, "Am I ever going to see this person again?" You may conclude this is not world peace and you can afford to let it go.
2. Is it a persistent concern??Maybe you'll be working with this customer a lot. This is ongoing, not a one-time thing, which means it may matter enough to you to bring it up.
3. What are the extenuating circumstances??Is this an elderly man who calls everyone "Honey?" Is this old-fashioned charm and not meant to be sexist? Could he be unaware you don't like this? Are other people bothered by this or only you?
4. Is it innocent or intentional??Do you think he's doing this on purpose to diminish or trivialize you, or is it meant as an affectionate endearment and "just the way he is?"
5. Can or will it change??Is this person capable of doing things differently? Is his attitude, "This is the way I am and if you don't like it, too bad, so sad?" Does he care how you feel? I once saw graffiti on a wall that said, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig." Is he open to singing a different tune?
6. Is it a short-term win and a long-time loss??Ask yourself, "What are the consequences of going to the mat over this issue? Will I "get my way" but at a cost I'm not willing to pay? Is this so important to me, I'm not willing to compromise on it?
7. Do I want/need to set a precedent??"What we accept, we teach." Am I giving permission for this behavior to continue by "turning the other cheek?" Is it my role, my responsibility, to educate this person that what they're doing is not welcome or appropriate? Is this behavior a deal-ender or relationship-breaker - which would be a loss for both of us? Could I be doing him a favor by brining this to his attention?

In workshops, I ask participants to think of one thing they don't like about their boss, a customer, parent or partner. (A guy once cracked, "Just one?!")

I then ask them to talk through these seven Choose Your Battle criteria to determine, once and for all, if what bothers them about this person is petty or pivotal.

An insight that provides perspective is that, in long-term relationships, we tend to overvalue what someone is not and undervalue what they are.

In other words, it's easy to get upset about a behavior we find annoying - and take for granted this person's many other qualities we admire and appreciate.

The good news is, these questions can help us put our mind in gear before we put your mouth in motion.

You may decide this is not a battle you want to fight.

Or you may decide this issue is worth addressing.

If so, these Tongue Fu! training videos teach what TO say - and NOT say - so you can handle challenging situations constructively. Hope you find them helpful.