To conform or not to conform? That is the question

Many times over the years, I was told that my style, my looks don’t come across as very senior and/or corporate. My style - they told me - is playful rather than senior. A colleague whom I dearly value once pulled me aside and told me 'Margarita, look…whether you like it or not, your big hair, big earrings, tattoos, you're posts about jumping off planes and climbing Kilimanjaro are not going to get you very far up the corporate ladder'. This was in fact his friendly and honest advise. He had just been on a 2-day in-person training course on 'unconscious bias'.

I think especially among women, there is - as my colleague pointed out - an unconscious bias towards women at the top (or trying to get to the top). Especially in more male-dominated working environments, women feel they need to bring out the animus not the anima in them to impose themselves and more gain quicker hierarchical respect.

But it's not just a female 'thing', it's about how willing you are to deviate from the 'corporate' expectations around executive presence and to what extent you converge to that unconscious bias around what a qualified senior and corporate employee should look like.

What is MOST unfortunate is that the true value one has to offer at work is often overlooked in favour of these more tedious issues. If we could just learn to fight these unconscious biases, there would be so much more value to be squeezed out of the workforce.

Which leads me to ask "To conform or not to conform? That is the question?"

To answer this question, I decided to take a different approach to writing this article. I decided to co-author the article with a friend who is male and lives and work on the other northern side of Europe, where culture at work is very different to the Greek reality. Or is it?

Let me introduce my Norwegian university friend (friends since 1995 (OMG that's a long way back!) at University of Kent at Canterbury) Christian Herheim , who always constructively challenges and builds on my thinking.

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Christian:

I have been on the receiving end of the a woman's animus. More often than not do I meet them in high heels and dark Armani suits. What I can say after following some of these women from trainee to the top C-floor (in male dominated industries), there is a certain scent of Prada – Armani that follows the climb to the top. I am not sure whether this is because it exerts a conscious sense of power and position . Or because the clothes just are more affordable and comfortable as the girl grows into a woman. I find more often than not, that those woman that bring humility, knowledge and exert a good portion of accountability make it into the CEO seat. And those that bite and snap, using a more animus approach make it into HR where the job is to protect the corporate brand identity (firing in bad times, and hiring in good times) without much emotional attachment.

I'd say a touch of class and tact brings a girl to the table, and then a touch of high heels or Armani jeans with sneakers with a huge portion of brains, humility, curiosity, and a keen understanding of self-worth usually gets a seat around the big boys table. I am white, privileged, neared 50 years old, worked in the corporate world. Not sure if this really makes me biased or a generalist?

Margarita, tell us how it went for you with your big hair and tattoo?

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Margarita:

As I write this paragraph, I am less than 6 months away from turning 50 and I can now finally say in full confidence that my big, messy, hippy hair, my big earrings and tattoos actually tell the story of who I am, and with full confidence I can finally tell you…I like that story. And what a relief it is to finally have this internal balance and in some ways achieve this 'closure' on this forever open topic of 'to conform or not to conform'. What I like about my style (and what I always appreciate in others) is that it is genuine, authentic and true. I don't play any other role other than the authentic Margarita role.

It took me 50 years to finally come to terms with the fact that if this unconscious bias around my style and my playful, (non-)executive presence affects my perceived seniority, so be it. This is who I am. It took me 50 years to fit nicely in this packaging and this is what I have to offer, whether others like it or not. This is the me that I have finally fully embraced and the me that I am not willing to compromise. No Prada-Armani suits for me, mate!

My playful, more relaxed management style has recently founds its place in a company where it fits perfectly. It took me a while to find my 'natural habitat' where my dress and management style fully blends in and fully suits its environment. I don't need to play pretend in my new leadership role. And actually, it's this true-to-the-core authenticity that has won my brownie points and acceptance with my new colleagues.

Did you ever have to compromise your authenticity?

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Christian:

After nearly 15 years of working in one of the world's largest energy companies, the company decided to reorganize, mainly in response to the global energy prices making a nose dive in 2014. There were thousands in the industry being laid off and projects were being put on hold. I decided then after a series of events in the company to resign and leave the safe haven I had created for myself. It was the hardest and best decision I had ever made in my life. The uncertainty in the market did not deter me from leaving. As a matter of fact I finally felt free. I spent nearly half a year recuperating from my 15 years in corporate life. Realising I had been compromising my own identity to conform. I was not meant to work in a corporate structure, even though many of my skills fitted perfectly. I found out I needed to have more freedom to be creative, be an enabler in other peoples' lives, and have jobs where interaction with people to learn and grow was key.

In the corporate world, positions are in a high degree pre-defined, and working to solve issues, or try and be too smart about how we could be better, was not my job back then. On my way out of the company they offered me my dream job (I had asked for it years earlier – but then they said I didn’t have the educational background that was required for the position). But I rejected the offer. I had made up my mind. I needed something more down to earth, more agile, more me. The corporate world had constricted my growth for too long. My wife had seen it for years, but I had been stubborn to admit it.

I now work with how I want to live. I left my suits and lived with my heart, I was finally fulfilling more of my ambitions. Because of this, more people want to work with me because I am more authentic and I have energy for things I work with. I love to wake up in the morning and go to work, because I feel free.

What would the me now tell the me 25 years ago when I left university and started looking for my first job?

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Margarita:

The one thing I would tell my 25-year old self is that everything in one's professional life can be course corrected. Very few people know at 25 what exactly what they want to do in their professional life. So whatever path you begin with, be it by choice or chance, it can be altered, adjusted, corrected.

In this long evolutionary career journey during which we come to discover who we truly are professionally, we inevitably undergo some form of 'conditioning'. This is especially true when we are corporate rookies when we are much more susceptible to corporate conditioning (like societal conditioning but in the work place). Conditioning comes in multiple shapes and forms, from the way we dress, to the corporate 'politics' we choose to play (or not play), to the way we choose to challenge the status quo vs. becoming the 'yesman'.

It takes years of growth, maturity and high levels of self-awareness to be able to step out of oneself and decide whether we like what we see in our corporate selves and are comfortable with what we have become. For some people like in your case Christian, if the realisation is a slap in the face, it takes a bold, brave and very difficult decision to up and leave. In my case, I was always content in the corporate multinational world because of the huge learnings it had to offer me. But what slowly happened over the last 10+ years is that I had been subconsciously undoing the conditioning I had allowed to be bestowed upon me and I was feeling more comfortable and confident with my true, playful, not-so-corporate self.

I love my big, messy, hippy hair and my big earrings. I speak my mind freely and authentically. I don't dress to impress. I don't dress to dominate. What I course corrected were not my job choices, but who I am as a professional and how true to myself I remain.

Looking back, I now see that I underwent the corporate conditioning as any corporate rookie and that my gradual corporate conditioning undoing may not have been a fully intentional decision but it was in fact a natural alignment to my core beliefs, a natural inner calling that in the end I could not have avoided. So my personal course correction was not so much in the actuals jobs or companies but this undoing.

Any closing thoughts?

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Christian:

I don't have any hair anymore, and I have not had that put against me. So we are working with a biased society or individuals that set standards that make themselves' feel safe. When I negotiated deliveries of gas from Norway to Europe I always dressed to make sure the customer felt he could trust me. That was a suit. Dressing up was also a sign of respect. But it was a show of guns. There is a play, a game we are a part of when we do our job and interact. I guess what has ultimately taken me the furthest is to accept that I cannot control everything and that I am good enough. I wish people well, also those that act dumb, cynical or display unhealthy traits. This is because I trust myself. I have defined my boundaries and can communicate them, not to intimidate others but to help others know what I accept and expect of others. Then it's up to others to make an effort to make me feel safe. When you understand the psychology of trauma, how history and baggage forms a person's personality , you ultimately know that however anybody acts or plays you, you know that you always have the upper hand. You can meet derogative comments with ease and panache.

However this lesson of life takes a while before you can master it to your benefit. But it should not deter you from trying to voice your opinions and be smart about how to show people what your standards are.

The work place today is a part of our life. Work is an integral part of our daily life. Therefore, taking active decisions to make the day-to-day hustle work for you starts by understanding yourself. Looking at why and what makes you feel good, insecure, anxious and happy. Only then will the work place, your colleagues and your boss be able to adjust, otherwise you know you can make an active choice to leave something that is too toxic for you.

Good luck xx