Confluence of Vulnerability

Many things are happening at the same time for me right now, and at the intersection is something I want to share with you, my loyal readers, but also for myself.

In my new book, Almost Doing Good, one of the many concepts that I am sharing is disruption for good and normalizing complexity. As I crossed the last t and dotted another i in editing, I found myself having to take my own medicine, which is also the advice I give my readers. It is a confluence of vulnerabilities that I want to share.

When consulting with my clients, I often recommend they share with others through their own discomfort.?Invoking masterminds, Vistage groups, think tank-like groups, part of their “cognitive apprenticeship” where they can share and learn from others’ failures.??Together the group can synergistically develop a more successful path forward.??(Shout out to Tamsen Webster, also launching a book October 8th?, for introducing me to this term and yet another adult learning rabbit hole!)

Using case studies, for example, allows for real learning to come from shared missteps, mistakes, and misfortunes, unmasking the sudden success of something that goes well into a series of internal thought processes, choices, and coincidences.??As this book is now being published,?I am standing at an intersection of real-life happenings that are all true, accurate, plausible, and possible, and I want to unmask each of them for the kernel of learning that, at a minimum, I need.

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#1

A very close friend of mine is currently on tour and posting about his work with a very polarizing client. He is getting lots of unsolicited feedback about his choice of client, both positive and negative, and oddly, I am as well about why my friend is doing what he is doing.?He joked are joking about me being his PR team until I tire of the role. I am not tired because I find it fascinating.

I, too, was (maybe still?am) surprised by his choice to share through social media posts and worry for him about what people are going to think about his association with this client.?Based on the public comments, plenty of people are in full support of this choice and commenting on how divisive the others will be about his choice of client.?On this view,?I am one of those divisive others calling them divisive others.? This is how circles are made, but not healthy dialogue.? Not to pull a “good people on both sides” moment, but people on at least two sides seem to be saying the same thing about the other people, so that usually triggers me to do my own reflecting since I can control myself some of the time and have limited control of others.?I did jump to a conclusion at first glance, and then I shifted and came up with a million different facets to what could be my friend's decision-making process.?I arrived at my truth, which is I don’t know his process, dependencies, and obligations, and until I do, I won’t let it tarnish my love, respect, and friendship for this critical person in my life.?

Furthermore, I can only imagine how potent these events must be to be in person (literally can only imagine because when I have tried to attend or participate, I am denied entry due to my work). They are lucky to have such a great opening act that can role model being an upstanding father, husband, friend, colleague, citizen, etc.?I have also been thinking about how dog whistling is a way of identifying "them" while saying keywords or phrases that "make"? silent alliances with certain groups I don’t belong to. In contrast, the term “virtual signaling” is often used to describe tactics used by those trying to garner the support of my team by deploying keywords or phrases that get my attention, even in a tokenizing manner.? This is how circles are made, but not healthy dialogue.?

I have been worried about my friend?since I saw his first post.?I worry about what others are thinking and feeling about him.?I have no control over any of these aspects and yet I worry.?I have also reflected on whether or not I would take this client in contrast to how badly I wish I could attend one of these events to experience “the other side.”?I would attend one of these events, and I wouldn’t post or write about it without taking an anthropological approach to distance myself from the ideology – how condescending that may seem to them.?Interesting.? This is how circles are made, but not healthy dialogue.?

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#2

I made a mistake recently?that negatively impacted a client.?As I spoke with other professional?speakers about how to make the outcome as best for the client as possible, I was strongly advised to tell no one of this mistake.?I was/am surprised at how much I felt relief that I didn’t have to “come clean” publicly and how compelled I felt/feel to share my experience.?I realize this is taking my own medicine in my new book.?There is power in being transparent and taking responsibility for my mistakes, while it is also horrifying and embarrassing.?I hate disappointing people, and though I understand I have no control over what others think, I don’t want to hand them evidence to think poorly of me.

I am proud of my business practices, choices, and disclosures. I really do everything I can to come up with a solution for the client, even when the situation can't be mended to perfection.?My therapist often tells me the same thing?because I need to learn it still, “The hardest thing is to allow someone to be wrong about you.”?? Ugh, this is hard.

As I checked in for my flight to Greece, I realized my passport had expired.?I called a friend that I thought would be able to assist me in my solution options work, and she advised me not to mention the situation to anyone else ever because others would think negatively about me, especially since I wouldn’t be there to explain the efforts?I was taking to remedy my mistake.?I agreed at that moment?not to say anything, but that people should think poorly of me because I made an irreparable mistake.?? Ugh, this is hard.

Another friend asked me when I was processing the situation with her if I was going to write about it.?“Of course!” I replied.?I saw the vulnerability as a sharing/learning opportunity for myself and others and wouldn’t want anyone else to make the same mistake.?She challenged me to think about it and to leave out my inclination to teach others or my propensity to turn everything into a learning moment and really think about my reputation and brand.?? Ugh, this is hard.?

I am, by nature a very open, transparent person so,?when asked by friends and colleagues about my trip to Greece, I answered unfiltered and immediately with the truth.?“Long story short, make sure your passport isn’t expired.” The best thing about telling the truth is you don’t have to keep track of lies. Sure, I want to be open with people, but I also want them to think well of me, that I am a competent and reliable professional. I don't just want my ducks in a row, they should also be sorted and alphabetized. I don't want friends, colleagues, or new potential clients to think otherwise.

Realizing I am human and I made a mistake has been much harder than I think it should be.?For it to happen before I publish a book asking organizational leaders to do the same is not lost on me.?Taking responsibility is one thing, and choosing to do it publicly is another.?

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Both situations are happening in real-time in my very real life and are a confluence of vulnerability that could be managed, shared, hidden, learned from, told, or suppressed.?I can see the pros and cons of disclosing or not choices or situations. The truth is, I was transparent and honest in my sharing before I had decided on my best management plan for the future.?I prioritized my client’s pain while creating some space to forgive myself (eventually) for being human.?I don’t expect the client will be as generous, and I can only control myself and my business practices.

It turns out that at the intersection of strength and weakness, there is a crosswalk of vulnerability. It is hard to avoid crossing the street no matter how you turn, and perhaps there is something to learn and share as we walk around the circle with other pedestrians.?I hope my journey engages in more healthy dialogues, if not getting more started.