Conflict without Casualties

"Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means." ~ Ronald Reagan

I am always looking for common sense approaches to all of life's interesting twists and turns. I know what my hot buttons are - and just what it takes to have someone push them. When I was reading Dr. Nate Regier's most recent book - "Conflict without Casualties", I felt a kinship to the author. His common sense approach resonates with me. And I think it will with you as well. I am attaching his paper "Three Common Credibility-Crushing Caveats", originally published on the Next Elements Blog. The very simplicity of Dr. Regier's article showcases the wisdom and ease in which we can all deal with conflict in a pro-active, positive, less dramatic way. Just a little food for thought. I hope you enjoy this message and find something that will help in your day-to-day life. I am all about de-stressing - and this article and the "Conflict without Casualties" book have helped me immensely. Who doesn't want to lead with compassionate accountability?

Three Common Credibility-Crushing Caveats By Nate Regier

Human language is the most amazing thing. I am particularly fascinated by the process of how we say things, even more than the content of what is said. Take caveats, for example. They set the tone for the whole sentence, no matter what you say next. Some are so powerful that you don’t even need to finish the sentence because the real point has already been made. Here are three that can do serious harm to your credibility. I’ve offered alternatives that show authenticity instead.

What you need to understand is…

Really!? I need to understand? Or then what? Maybe YOU need to back off! If I had a dollar for every time a customer service agent or salesperson said this to me, I’d be rich. This caveat is a sign of desperation and frustration. Trying to get someone to understand by telling them they NEED to understand is insulting and often comes across as a condescending ultimatum. It shows you are getting desperate, impatient, and self-centered. A more effective way to maintain your credibility might be something like,

“I can tell this is confusing. I want it to be understandable. What questions or concerns do you have? I’m committed to working through this with you until we are on the same page.”  

You’ll probably hate me for this, but…

This caveat is in a class of it’s own, along with it’s siblings, “This will probably sound stupid,” or “This may be a bad time to bring this up.” It’s a set up, a slow-pitch in the strike zone with “kick me” written all over it. If you respect yourself then you don’t need to pre-criticize what you have to share. This caveat is a self-fulfilling prophecy that invites others to bend over backwards to reassure you, or go ahead and hit the home run by agreeing that you ruined the day. Here’s a more effective way to maintain your credibility;

“I’m anxious about something I want to share with you. When is a good time? I care a lot about our relationship, and I have always promised to be honest with you.”   

You’ve left me no choice.

This caveat is usually delivered by a boss or superior who lacks the courage and self-awareness to own their own responsibility and honestly confront your behavior. I may have violated the policy. I may have crashed the company car into a telephone pole while texting. But I DID NOT take away your choices. As the person responsible for enforcing a rule or commitment, you could choose to look the other way. You could choose to give me a second chance. You could choose to fire me on the spot. Regardless, that’s your choice. Every choice you make has a consequence. Don’t run away from your responsibility to lead by blaming your decision on someone else. Try this instead,

“I’m really angry about what happened. This is a clear violation of our policy and I’ve chosen to enforce it by letting you go. I feel sad about this.”

Change your language, change your life.

About Dr. Nate Regier

Dr. Nate Regier is the co-founding owner and chief executive officer of Next Element, a global advisory firm specializing in building cultures of compassionate accountability. A former practicing psychologist, Regier is an expert in social-emotional intelligence and leadership, positive conflict, mind-body-spirit health, neuropsychology, group dynamics, interpersonal and leadership communication, executive assessment and coaching, organizational development, team building and change management. An international adviser, he is a certified Leading Out of Drama master trainer, Process Communication Model? certifying master trainer and co-developer of Next Element’s Leading Out of Drama? training and coaching. Nate has published two books: Beyond Drama and his latest work, Conflict without Casualties