On Conflict - Toxic Triangles

Most triangles/ trios as analogies bring up positive references such as Me, Myself, and I (An ode to self-love by Beyoncé), the Holy Trinity (Easter is approaching after all), the three Hindu gods (Trimurti) and Peter, Paul and Mary (#IYKYK ??). Most of us have, however, had to deal with the opposite in our professional and personal lives - Toxic Triangles. As you read this, you will find several situations that you have been in that reflect this triad consciously and perhaps unconsciously in your past. We, sadly, can’t avoid conflict altogether as human beings. Fortunately, in many circumstances it can result in very healthy outcomes like better relationships and reduced stress and anxiety.

I learnt more about this topic from two icons in their respective fields revered for their work in human interactions and building effective teams. The former, a psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman, proposed the Karpman Drama Triangle in 1968 (My coach Henk Kleizen introduced me to this brilliant work). I love visuals so I’ve added the diagram below, that summarises the Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor (VRP) triangle beautifully:

The latter is Patrick Lencioni, who dubbed the five dysfunctions of a team. If maximised, the following five behaviours Lencioni identified will result in a team that operates as efficiently and effectively as possible:

• Trust,
• Conflict,
• Commitment,
• Accountability, and
• Results.

I’m not going to go into these in detail, but it is worth your while to read up on both. I’m, rather, going to tell you a professional and personal story to bring these to life. To share how I approached and resolved them using both Karpman and Lencioni’s work. Hopefully it’ll leave you with some take outs to apply in your own life.

Recently, I found myself stuck as the Rescuer in a personal situation (a role I seem to take on). There were two massive realisations that hadn’t quite landed in my mind:

1. That, though, the Persecutor and Victim may bark or whimper the most, my involvement was equally toxic. I was perpetuating the situation by creating a reliance on me to keep the peace. This is typical for a considerate helper (Enneagram 2) and has a dark shadow where I would then expect commitment by the other two parties to reconcile. Essentially, I’m giving of myself with an expectation for something back - giving conditional love. As we all know, that doesn’t end well for anyone.
2. The second thing was how far I thought I could create boundaries especially with loved ones. I felt I couldn’t voice how I felt like I was doing far more than I wanted. The biggest and saddest realisation was that I was neglecting to take care of myself in the whole situation. It bled into the rest of my life, sapping my energy, and leaving me emotionally drained. I had to set more stringent boundaries with people whom I always wanted to be there for unconditionally.

In short, I realised that I was using my power to control, change and get love from others. I equally needed to heal and remove myself from the triangle completely regardless how cruel it seemed to me. The conversations were extremely difficult and hanging by a thin thread at times, but this created a healing space for me. I could instantly feel the tightness dissolve in my body. I am also confident that it will allow for a resolution at some stage, which is not for me to feel so uneasy about.

Professionally, I used to step in whenever I picked up any conflict in the workplace. Playing the mediator and appeasing both sides separately. I would then expect that they would be ‘adult’ enough to resolve it. If that didn’t pan out as expected, I’d even offer to get them into a room. I was very good at this which meant that many situations were ‘fixed’ or so I convinced myself. Fortunately, I re-read Patrick Lencioni’s book 3/4 years ago and recalled that avoiding conflict (even on behalf of others) creates dysfunctional teams. I was robbing the business because when you get down to it, differences can also lead to better outcomes. I would pride myself on being an inclusive leader, however I was inadvertently denying voices from being heard completely. I stopped sharply and, in the months to follow, I realised just how exhausting it was for me. This also allowed me more time to spend making the business better and enjoying my job even more. I am not denying that there are situations that require mediation, I am simply saying that we need to be careful when we play the saviour in an egoic manner that gives us a feeling of superiority.

In a VUCA world where the complexity of decisions we make daily is ever escalating. We can better use our time helping to make sense of it all. We should embrace change, have a positive outlook, lead with love, and allow people to grow to their fullest potential. Growth happens outside our comfort zone and demands us to be at loggerheads with others and at times with ourselves. We must challenge the status quo of toxic triangles. We should accept that we can neither control nor change anyone. You can only change yourself, so step out of being a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor. You can’t control or change interpersonal relationship problem that are not your own, it just doesn’t work.

Imagine a world where we stopped manipulating situations to enrich our feelings of being loved by others, playing neither victim nor bully. Let’s release ourselves from toxic drama triangles and enjoy the abundance of unconditional love and the impact it can have on the world.