Conflict resolution: a writer's perspective

In an ideal world...

It would be lovely if we could all get along in every way all of the time, wouldn't it? Lovers would never part company, customers would always be delighted with our services and businesses would get paid on time, every time.

That's enough dreaming for one article.

Let's revisit the real world.

Sometimes conflict looks for us

Human beings find themselves in conflict all of the time, Sometimes the other person or organisation brings the conflict to you whether you want it or not. There may not be any misunderstanding. It could be a blatant attempt for them to avoid paying a charge, take something from you or just to make trouble.

Misunderstanding can give rise to conflict

In a lot of cases, conflict is not caused by maliciousness or an intent to abuse. Conflicts arise because of misunderstandings. Ineffective communication has led the parties into dispute, and effective communication can get them out of the dispute. I have been asked on many occasions to help settle disputes in an effort to avoid court action. Nobody wants to go to court.

Typical disputes

These circumstances often started with a chat:

"Martin, I'm gonna need you to write a letter to this guy. He owes me thousands, and I don't know what to do..."

or

"Hey, I got a demand for payment the other day from this firm I had been using... and there's no way I am paying that. Can you help me draft up a letter to them?"

I always love the opportunity to make peace, and I also appreciate being told things in confidence. Trust is precious. There are several reasons why people may ask for my help:

• They are aware of their own emotions and need objectivity
• They may want to take actions that will make matters worse
• They want somebody cool, calm and objective to assess it for them
• Going down the legal route would feel like going to war - no turning back
• They trust my opinion
• They want me construct a powerful written argument to negotiate with their "opponent"

There are some other considerations that can muddy the waters, making it difficult to know the best step. If the dispute is affecting you personally that will give rise to emotions, and your ego will be involved. Whatever you're going through, the other person you are in dispute with may be feeling the same. So, there could be four of you involved in the dispute - you, them, your ego and their ego.

What about the truth?

Somewhere, in the middle of all the commotion, is the truth. The truth is not always as simple as either party being 100% right or 100% wrong. The truth often lies somewhere in the middle.

In my opinion, conflict resolution should focus on realising that truth - not winning or losing. The truth is sometimes obscured by feelings, misinformation, misunderstanding and/or a lack of clarity on the situation. There are lots of factors:

• What is your stance?
• What is your reasoning?
• Is your reasoning correct?
• What is their stance?
• What is their reasoning?
• Is their reasoning correct?

You can be right and wrong at the same time

It is also worth remembering that truth takes many forms - yes, you read that correctly. Your position could be 100% morally correct. That would make it worthy of sympathy. That would justify your emotions. That would give you a feeling of entitlement, and that would be your truth.

Just because you may have common sense on your side doesn't mean that you would win your case in court. If you didn't read the paperwork when an agreement was made, you signed up to legal document and that committed you to certain obligations. So, you may be morally correct but legally incorrect.

Perspective makes a massive difference. Your number "6" is someone else's number "9".

How can a letter resolve the issue?

I am not a lawyer, and I have no legal training whatsoever. That said, whenever I have been involved in resolving disputes, I have managed to bring about a decent outcome and successfully steered people away from the courts.

This is the approach I take that you may find useful:

• Gather ALL the facts
• Outline YOUR position
• Outline THEIR position
• Get legal advice to assess the strength of your argument in legal terms

Gather ALL the facts

This is really important. You need to understand the argument of the other person. In order to assess the validity of their argument you need to know what facts they are bringing into play. These form the basis of their reasoning. By checking the facts, not only might you see flaws in their thinking, you might uncover the source of misunderstanding.

You also need to double check the facts that you're using to back up your argument. Was there a misunderstanding? Are you missing key facts? Was correspondence not received? You may uncover the key to a solution.

Remember, anything you say is less likely to be taken seriously by the other person if they can easily see you have not understood all the facts.

Understand both perspectives: draw a timeline of events

A timeline is often highly relevant and useful in understanding events. What happened, when? Again, this can often show where misunderstandings began. You have to understand exactly why the other person thinks they're in the right. The only way you can even start to get them to see your perspective is by understanding AND acknowledging theirs.

Moral truth versus legal truth

There's a reason you feel the way you do and a reason why they feel the way they do. You may well owe them money according to the letter of the law. By highlighting your reasoning why you don't think you should pay, while acknowledging the legal realities, you show an holistic understanding of the situation.

Legal advice doesn't have to equate to legal action

Personally, I love lawyers. I have written for lawyers and I count them among my friends. In my experience, lawyers will often answer a couple of simple questions over the phone without charge. Again, it needs to be stressed that many situations are not cut and dry, although particular facts will be true or false. For example, you may want to know if a cancellation charge is legally binding or something else.

Just because you've spoken to a lawyer to gain a better understanding of the strength of your position doesn't have to mean going to legal war.

Write that letter

Before you think about constructing your letter, be mindful of the following:

• Use of active and passive verbs
• Emotional language
• Opinions versus fact
• Your preferred outcome
• The need to compromise

Active and passive verbs

Compare these statements:

"Payment was not received."

"You had not paid."

There is a stark difference between these two statements, yet they both point to the same truth. An invoice has been sent to a customer, the account has been checked and the money has not come in. However, without any hard evidence to prove otherwise, nobody knows if the invoice was:

• paid into the wrong account
• paid but has not shown in the account
• paid but has not gone through because of an unknown banking problem
• <any other possibility?>

The first statement makes passive use of a verb. Something has not been received. Nobody is being held responsible for any actions in that statement. The second statement uses the verb actively and somebody is held to account. It is more confrontational.

You should be equally mindful of active and passive use of verbs when talking about things that you or your company are responsible for (or not).

Emotional language

Remember what I said about ego? You, them, your ego and their ego. The best way of ensuring that things get as messed up as they can - and everybody does whatever they can to stop the best outcome from arising - is to be emotional.

Emotions can be addressed, but don't communicate in an emotional way. Saying something like "this has made me feel unfairly treated" or "this has left me feeling a little upset" describes your feelings but shows that you are not consumed by them. Do remember that they may be emotional as well so when you bring in yours, they may bring in theirs. Why should they care about yours?

Opinions versus fact

This is a fatal flaw that I see all the time. The facts that YOU both agree on are the sold stepping stones to get you to the promised land. If you hold something to be true but the other person doesn't, it will add nothing to the validity of your argument unless you can get the other to accept it.

If something is your opinion, you have to concede that when you mention it. By stating it as an absolute fact, you are steering the other person away from you and encouraging resistance.

Of course, if you have evidence to back up a fact, then bring it forward. State the fact, and supply the evidence. This will come in useful in steering the other person toward an outcome.

Your preferred outcome

If you know where you want to take the discussion, then you need to gently guide the other person to the same conclusion. In a way, you are trying to reach an amicable conclusion with the least amount of correspondence. You are trying to bring things to a head in a way that leaves all parties going away feeling fairly treated.

Make it easier for them to see your way forward

Know where you want to go. As part of the persuasion process, you may choose to address the other avenues, while presenting your reasoning - based on mutually agreed facts - that will make it easier for the other person to (a) take your opinion seriously, (b) be inclined to agree with your reasoning and (c) prefer to go with the option you steer them towards.

This might include spelling out why one of your opinions appears to make more sense than theirs, but if you go down that route, you have to be really smart with your reason and argument - not nasty, not arrogant - highly reasonable.

Don't forget compromise

If your letter is well written, it helps the other person to see both perspectives with more clarity. An effective letter will match up with what they know and will ring true for them. It will highlight where the main points of disagreement lie. It will open the door for them to know what can be contested or explained and what is off limits (because evidence has been supplied).

As I said at the start, it is unlikely that either one of you is completely in the right or completely in the wrong. Suggesting a compromise can make a huge difference and make it easier for the other person to step in your direction.

Close it down

If letters or emails have bounced back and forth, that might be a good sign. "Facts" may be checked, disputed or confirmed. Your positions might have to adjust slightly, and this might alter the final outcome and compromise. If you reach a deadlock, then you can close the matter down.

This is the least attractive option but sometimes necessary. You have laid out the position from your perspective and confirmed your understanding of theirs. You have presented some options, but if you have reached an impasse, you can't keep going in circles. This is where you must be robust but fair, assertive but diplomatic, clear but peaceful.

Make it clear that you WANT a resolution, that the offer is on the table but that if an agreement is not forthcoming, any future correspondence would have to go to your legal representatives. While this may seem confrontational, if you have done everything you can to find common ground without agreement, this shows the other person that you are sincere and determined and will often prompt them to rethink and shift position.

The takeaway

I have used the words "conflict" and "dispute" throughout this article, but most of the time what we are dealing with is just differing perspectives because of lack of clarity or poor communication. Use effective communication to shine a light on the situation and to demonstrate a willingness to agree, and most situations will resolve themselves.

Are you looking for the right words to get a result? I am always happy to help. Where disputes concern unpaid invoices, I operate on a conditional fee basis. get in touch to discuss.