Identity – A Source of Strife? And How to Move Closer to Being You

I had some introspective moments on brand and identity... two concepts us storytellers and marketers grapple with. My thoughts are below.

Identity is Important to Driving Behavior

Our perception of our own identity can influence us to act in positive and negative ways. Not only that, it is tied to many other things, including our reputation and brand, as Eric Johnson and Dr. Nayla Bahri, PCC highlight in their Inside Job podcast episode “Episode 45: Riffing on Professional Reputation, Brand, and Identity.”

In the book Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones by James Clear , he discusses how to use our interpretation of our own identity to drive processes and decision making.

To illustrate, if you want to be healthier, then you could ask yourself, “What would a healthy person order?” when sitting down at a restaurant, and that will likely nudge you to make a healthy choice, and therefore move you towards being a healthy person.

Alternatively, as Kara Loewentheil mentions in her Unf*ck Your Brain podcast episode “UFYB 282: Finances and Feminism: A Conversation with Tori Dunlap,” if we think of ourselves as not financially proficient, then we may not take financial risks. If we take a risk and fail, we may additionally label ourselves as failures.

Kara jokes at this unproductive way of thinking, saying that if you stubbed your toe once, would you suddenly call yourself a lifelong toe-stubber?

How Identity Can Cause Strife

Gender, nationality, age, X school alumni, languages spoken, political party, etc... It is good to recognize our long list of identities. However, when we begin to cling to identities for ourselves and others, could that set us up for strife? Within ourselves and externally between groups?

Identity is not only a source of pride, but it is a source of strife. Maybe more strife... so a word on the latter:

When we attach ourselves to identities, we may be holding ourselves back. I've seen LinkedIn posts about layoffs and people coming to terms with losing the job part of their identity.

I wonder why we define ourselves, our personal brands, and other people in such simplified ways? "Oh, she's that Texan Yoga teacher," "He’s the deaf kid in my class," etc. Maybe that is our animal brain simplifying things, again. These statements may be true, and so are many others for each of these people.

Simultaneously, we wouldn't want others to define us on one aspect of our identity and personality, right? Assumptions and judgements – those get a lot of people in trouble.

Depth of character is what makes you, you. That's how the people who know us the best know who we are. We have entrusted them with knowing our various identities, including exposing them to those that show our vulnerabilities.

Your Identity is Ever-Changing

Identity can drive purpose, as noted by Anthony Burrow in the Hidden Brain podcast episode “Happiness 2.0: Cultivating Your Purpose.” When going through life changes or transitions, that either inspires a new life direction or causes inaction due to confusion, fear, and unease.

Christian Mortensen, ACC , a career coach, recently shared a LinkedIn post about how we have different seasons , like plants. I liked how it mentioned that each life phase has a purpose from blooming to dormant. They are all part of thriving in the long term.

We also know that with life experience, we grow and learn, and that shapes our perspective on the world and our belief systems. It only makes sense that identities evolve, and so can our personal brands. Accepting changes in identity is part of moving forward.

So You Consider Yourself Having an Identity of X, But…

If you are a gay guy, but suddenly find you like a woman, does that make you bisexual? Or maybe it was situational and you just liked that one woman. Does it even matter to define?

You’re just being human! So, why are you caught up in it?

So much of life is situational. I may be a Jain vegetarian who does not believe in killing animals. If someone asks me, “Would you go fishing?” My immediate answer may be “No way.”

But honestly, who knows what life would throw at me? Maybe one day I will. I can’t 100% know what I would do or say if I was starving. I’d like to think I do, but I actually don’t until I am in that situation.

You can’t tell me you’ve never surprised yourself…

How to Expand Your Thinking on Identity

Stereotyping is an instinctual form of survival, and it makes things easier to remember when they fit in a category, especially for snap decisions. Judgement based on these simplifications is a difficult habit to get away from.

It is interesting how we sometimes put others and ourselves in a box. Granted, we are biased to think of ourselves more complexly than others, but sometimes we fall prey to limited thinking about who we are too.

We also associate feelings with these identities. For example, being in a relationship may make you identify as a partner. Having a partner may make you feel lovable. So, if that partner leaves, does that suddenly make you not lovable? No, but that may be how you feel at first…

A friend once told me that she believed many relationships don’t work when a partner does something unexpected. We mentally construct who we believe our partner is, and when they do something that doesn’t align with that vision, it throws us off.

“I thought I knew you?” But really, it is them, and their action is probably aligned with exactly who they are because…

The reality is that we are people. PEOPLE.

And people are a culmination of many aspects, perspectives, and identities. Some of these may be more aligned with stereotypes and predictable than the rest.

I believe many of us lean one way or another on many spectrums of identity, but we generally move along it. For example, I think we're all a mix or average of ambivert, not just extrovert or introvert.

I’m trying to stop thinking about myself and others as one thing or the other. It is hard.

How to Improve Your Thinking on Personal Identity

The Joy Choice: How to Finally Achieve Lasting Changes in Eating and Exercise by Michelle Segar encourages us to stop with black and white thinking. Compromising and doing things halfway does not make us something or not.

It’s about making choices that can fulfill your needs and help you reach your goals while keeping you happy. Taking ownership and recognizing that you can change how you see yourself and that you have a choice in what you do is a first step to joy. Doing what you can and having empathy for yourself is a big part of it too.

Let me explain: I may own a violin, does that make me a musician? If I never perform for an audience, what about then? If I miss a bunch of violin lessons, am I a bad musician?

If I only practice 30 minutes rather than my originally planned hour every day, am I a bad student? If I play for many years, but then stop for months, am I no longer a musician? Where is the line between amateur and professional musician?

That brings me to ask if it is more important to be able to say you are a musician or just to enjoy playing music?

Maybe the healthiest, most encouraging thinking is not defining myself as a musician but telling myself that “I am good at music.” If I don’t believe that then, maybe meet myself midway with a “Lots of people are not good at music when they start playing,” or “I’m not a musician yet, but I am taking lessons.” The word “yet” is powerful.

This kind of thinking, an example of a thought ladder, can help move one towards an identity and build self-esteem, as noted by Kara in her Headspace YouTube video “Podcast: Creating Confidence and Better Self-esteem with Kara Loewentheil.”

Defining Your Online Identity and Brand

I'm no social media expert or influencer, but I think it really depends on goals. In terms of your personal brand, unless you are highly focused on selling a specific service or product, you likely don’t need to define it narrowly.

In that case, you probably should be thinking, “How do I want to be perceived and received by my target audience? How should I position myself and lead in the market?” "What messages and content show how we solve client problems?" You know, the typical marketing exercises.

If you are just trying to network, then my advice is to be yourself and have fun. I don’t think you need to define your brand too specifically. I challenge the idea that your personal brand needs to be all about one topic or field for example.

I post about what interests me, and that is multiple things and where they intersect including technology, healthcare, fitness, and filmmaking. Not a typical combo compared with how many people hyper-focus on one area.

No Matter Your Identities, Spread Love

Brené Brown in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead , challenges us to remember that most of us are just trying to do the best we can with what we have and what we know.

If you are trying your best, trying to be a good person, and you spread love and kindness in the world, then you’re probably on the right path… so be yourself.

Having huge followings may be great, but popularity can be superficial and temporary. Unfortunately, many consider it a sort of social currency, aspect of identity, and a measure of self-worth.

The quality of your network is more important. People that relate to you, as a person and professional, will naturally gravitate to you and vice versa, which can lead to more impactful and meaningful engagement.

The Future of Identity

It’s possible that we put too much pressure on ourselves at times to match with specific identities, feeling obligated to act certain ways, not just to prove to ourselves that we are that type of person but to prove it to others.

For example, in pursuit of being a good daughter, I have tried to fulfill responsibilities and expectations, even if they did not align with who I felt I was and what I wanted to do.

Identity will likely be an ongoing discussion, but one day, I envision a point in time where certain identities like more categorical ones (socio-economic status, race, etc.) fade away.

Ideally, identities and politically correct words will not separate and divide us, and we will think about each other as beings, or people. Especially as people, I hope we understand that we are all important and have basic human rights.

Then if you ask me, who are you? I’d say some version of, “Fellow human here, Cullie P. . Nice to meet you.”

Share what you think about my ramblings in the comments below!