Conflict Resolution, Passive Aggression, Anger, Online Reviews, Feedback, Customer Service, Emotional Regulation: a short story.

I bought a wood burning stove a couple of weeks ago from a local independent business. I also bought a stove pipe (the thing that connects the stove to the flue).

Unbeknown to me, the installer I'd hired to fit the stove had included the stove pipe in the price we'd agreed. Whoops.

So I took the stove pipe back to the shop and apologetically asked for a refund. Honest mistake and all that. The stove pipe still in its box, unopened and untouched.

The owner of the shop immediately went on the offensive. "You can't just bring that back! We don't do refunds. We're the ones losing out now. Should have thought about that before you bought it! You can't just turn up and ask for a refund. Why didn't you call ahead?"

What a start to our negotiation.

Me: "Call ahead? Why would I call ahead? You're a shop and you're open, right?"

Him: "No, we made a deal. You bought it. That's that. Done."

Me: "Surely you've bought something by mistake and then returned it? That's all I'm trying to do"

Him: *stepping towards me and squaring his shoulders*

"Listen here, Sonny Jim. I'm a lot older than you. I've been doing this for 52 years."

Blah blah blah.

At that point I almost lost it. How dare he bring my age into it as if that has anything to do with this? Would he be speaking to me this way if I had grey hair and a walking stick? What was it about me, my appearance, my accent, my demeanour that made him think he could talk to me like this. Do I look like a mug?

I took a deep breath and stood my ground and eventually they begrudgingly offered me the refund.

BUT

As the manager prepared the card machine, this awkward silence fell and I realised my heart rate was up and noticed how wound up I felt.

It was like I was experiencing a delayed reaction to how I'd just been treated; as if I'd just momentarily caught the scene from the perspective of a fly on the wall.

I realised how blindsided I'd been. I wasn't expecting to have to fight for this refund. I was anticipating goodwill. Mutual understanding. My daughter was in the car outside. I should be back with her by now.

As I listened to the silence amidst the odd frustrated sigh or 'tut' from the owner of the show, a renewed sense of outrage started to bubble up in me again.

Suddenly I'd had enough. I put my card away and said, "Do you know what, this is unbelievable. I'll keep the stove pipe. I don't like the way you do business." and I left.

I didn't lamp the owner, though I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind. I didn't slam the door on my way out, despite being a notorious door slammer in times gone by.

But inside I was absolutely raging and was moments away from blowing a gasket, which is probably why I made such a swift exit.

And so I went to do what all passive-aggressive, disgruntled customers do...

Leave a scathing review.

I drafted a review and sent it to my wife, who very diplomatically deconstructed it for me. So I re-drafted it and sent it back to her. She then very diplomatically deconstructed it again.

Staring down at my phone, about to leave a Google review about the importance of customer service, I suddenly realised how much energy I'd burnt and how much time I'd wasted.

I felt completely and utterly exhausted. I also felt embarrased that I'd let this guy get to me. My body was all tense. My breathing shallow. I had a headache. I had been on an intense emotional roller coaster, which began the moment I had to suppress my gut response to the condescending shop owner. I'd been well and truly triggered.

I felt like I had just jumped on a grenade and absorbed the explosion.

I then started thinking about the owner and considering alternatives for why he might have spoken to me the way that he did. I tried to see the world through his lens. He mentioned he'd been running the business for 52 years. That's a long time. Running a business for that long is pretty impressive. Margins are probably quite tight these days. He seemed quite old school. Maybe he's painfully aware that things are changing. He didn't look particularly healthy come to think of it... maybe I came in at the wrong time. Maybe on another day he might have responded differently...

I cancelled the review and decided to email the shop instead. I drafted an email titled, 'Customer Feedback', triple checked it for passive aggression and even managed to end it with 'All the best with the business', and I actually meant it.

Sent.

As far as I was concerned, the matter was closed. I'd probably put the spare stove pipe in the loft and try to sell it on eBay. Eventually I'd find it in a few years when we come to move, or I get around to clearing out the loft.

1 hour later, I got a reply from the daughter of the shop owner who had witnessed the exchange and this is what it said:

"Hi Josh,

I can only apologise for what happened in my showroom. I am glad you have emailed me so that I am able to apologise for my dad's behaviour.

He needs to calm down a little! Please feel free to come in on Thursday morning. I will be here on my own and will issue you the refund.

Once again, please accept our apologies.

Kind regards,

*Name*

Here's how I reflect on it all:

1. I am so glad I didn't leave that review. What would it have achieved other than satisfy a temporary need in me to blow off steam and potentially lose them customers?
2. I am embarrassed that I let it all get to me, and that I still allow things like that to wind me up so tightly. I need to do more work in this department. I am a work in progress.
3. I am grateful for my wife's honesty, which helped me get a different perspective on how my words might be read by others.
4. I am proud of myself for self-regulating by inviting feedback before I left the review and then choosing to offer direct, constructive feedback instead.
5. I am relieved that I'll get the money back.

Just last week I was struck by this quote from Jim Tamm:

"There is nothing that will help you become more effective at resolving conflict and building collaboration more than better managing your own defensiveness."