Conflict Resolution

Have you ever wondered why conflicts appear in your life? Are you one of the people who feels uncomfortable because you had to compromise in order to restore some semblance of calm to an angry situation? Do you ever feel frustrated because you don’t know how to resolve disputes so that everyone feels satisfied? It’s an intriguing topic to ponder because we all want to be free of the unpleasantness that surrounds any kind of conflict. But the dilemma of how to resolve conflict is based on a popular misconception. Can you guess what it is?

Before we get to the answer, let’s take a closer look at the problem. Let’s begin by recognising that there’s a huge divergence between a difference of opinion and a conflict.

It’s entirely possible for people to hold radically opposed views and still remain on cordial and mutually respectful terms. A divergence of opinion is a very healthy element in any relationship and we should all be grateful for the opportunity to examine our perspectives whenever our views are challenged. So many of the problems in the world today are a direct result of stubborn individuals insisting that they’re right – which, of course, only serves to make everyone else wrong.

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

-?????? Albert Einstein

When we accept the possibility that our views can be adapted, modified or changed, we remain open to the possibility of learning something new. It’s a wonderful way to maintain a fresh and open mind and it’s a strong endorsement for mental flexibility.

But when a difference of opinion slips over the boundaries of courteous behaviour and into the arena of conflict, the disagreement easily becomes personal. The emphasis shifts from a discussion about the validity of a particular viewpoint to an attack on the person who’s holding a different view. And this is where things can become complicated and confusing.

Do not think of knocking out another person's brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.

― Horace Mann

The problem occurs when the divergence of opinion lapses into a form of aggression. Naturally, when people feel that they are being attacked, they rush to defend themselves. And this is how conflict escalates. Conflict, therefore, can be seen as aggressive behaviour and that is why it can be so difficult to resolve.

There’s usually an instinctive temptation to match the aggression with an equal outburst of outrage. But in response to a rising atmosphere of conflict, many are tempted to raise the stakes by escalating the aggression and that’s when we witness raised voices, shouting, personal insults and a complete breakdown in the normal utility of communication. People stop listening and rational behaviour is rapidly abandoned.

This is why conflict is so difficult to resolve.

In many ways, the behaviours associated with conflict can be described as a form of role-playing. Some behavioural psychologists have identified the stages of conflict in terms of escalating levels within a complex game. And that’s the secret to this particularly challenging form of role-playing. It’s a game. And you can choose to participate. Or you can choose not to play. And this is a major clue about how to answer the question of why it is so difficult to resolve many conflicts. It’s because we fail to recognise that many conflicts are in fact a game. If you don’t know that you’re in a game and you don’t understand the rules, there’s little chance of successfully resolving the issues.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

― Mark Twain

It might seem like an unorthodox response to the problem of resolving conflicts but the simple fact is that by the time the situation has descended into verbal aggression, it’s already too late. You cannot make a worthwhile contribution by joining the fray. The wiser course is to remain completely detached from the roles that others have adopted and refuse to become an extension of an inappropriate situation. Don’t play. Stay calm. Be prepared to ask questions in a completely calm and rational manner. Be prepared to walk away and make it clear that the conversation will only continue when the other party has calmed down. No one wins these heated arguments. They only produce resentment and enmity. Be the one who steps back and creates the necessary breathing space for everyone to regain their composure. Defuse the tension or walk away until some degree of rational behaviour has been restored.

We don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. Only notes that are different can harmonise. The same is true with people.

― Steve Goodier

It takes a certain degree of self-awareness to recognise the temptation to answer someone’s rudeness or aggression with an equally robust riposte. But, if you seek to acquire the power to resolve conflicts effectively, this insight into the extraordinary nature of role-playing could save you a great deal of time, energy, confusion and frustration.

Learn to appreciate the tone in people’s voices and notice when the tone changes. It could be an important signal that someone is about to embark on the first step towards conflict. Learn to listen more carefully to what’s being said. Because people are far less likely to become upset when they feel that their thoughts and feelings are recognised and understood.? The best way to resolve a conflict, therefore, is to make sure that the conflict does not arise in the first place.

Be wary of silence. It doesn't mean you won the argument.

Often, people are just busy reloading their guns

― Shannon L. Alder

Are you ready right now for a completely fresh approach to life’s great adventure? Get in touch with us today for a free session to discover how the growing global movement for personal growth, success, change and empowerment can enhance your life!

Greg Parry designed and built the Cognitive Empowerment Programs specifically to help people master their stress, overcome their limitations and explore the power of their true potential.

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