Conflict and Negotiation

Heated debate, red face, loud voice, strong emotions, these were the scenes I want to avoid a few years ago. As you may know, my character is S style in DISC (S standard for stability, teamwork, coaching, and harmony) and my weakness is avoiding conflict and easily giving in when there is a conflict or a need for negotiation.?Since last year, I start to find out and enjoy the beauty of conflicts and negotiations in life and work. My mentor recommended me the book “Getting to YES” by Roger Fisher and William Ury, I felt it is the right book for me to grow myself!??

Why do we need conflict? Conflict means we have different opinions and see the same reality but from different angles. The outcome is better than you as an individual especially when you think you are absolutely right! ?? ?I vividly remember that I played a game when I attended a training about collective opinions vs individual opinions. The game is simple, there are a number of items you can grab when you are sailing in the sea and your ship sunk, you only can grab 3 items out of many items like water, food, a map, a compass, a whistle, a mirror… you decide what you need to grab first, then discuss and debate with others around you, and at last, together make a choice as a group, the result is always the same, the group’s decision is always better than any individual’s choice to survive! ?Conflict is the way to survive as a team than an individual! We need conflict!

How to negotiate with others when there is a conflict? From the book “Getting to Yes”, there are 4 methods:

1.??????Separate the people from the problem

This is the most difficult and challenging because the human emotional brain – a limbic brain system that developed 250 million years ago, however, the thinking brain- the prefrontal cortex is only developed 1.5 million years ago. The emotional brain is much stronger and quicker than the thinking system, which is why we find it hard to control emotions.?

Controlling emotion and separating people from the problem is very important. Remain calm do not speak when the other side is pouring out his/her anger, listen to what he/she wants, but keep quiet, the storm will pass soon. ?? After passing the storm, say that we come together to solve the problem, the win-win outcome is what both of us wanted.?People need to express their needs, (it is worse if they don’t), if they are emotional, it is because their needs were not met for a long time, or the situation crossed their belief and deep value system. People are together to solve the problem, if you think people are the problem (you are very often to hear that), you will be stuck in the conflict or in the negotiation. :( Don’t be angry with the people but angry about the matters. ?

2.??????Focus on interest, not on positions

In the negotiation, it comes to a dead end when 2 sides are insisted on their own positions, especially on the concrete number during the bargain, 20 dollars Vs 100 dollars, who changes who will lose, shall you stay firm on your number? Later it could become an ego issue or lose-face issue. ?Search and study the interests behind the position of the other side, what are the needs, and why this position, question and learn…

A simple story: in a library, A want to open the window, B don’t want. (position). ?A actually wants fresh air in the library, and B is afraid the wind blows his book after opening the window. ?Solution: Open the window from the other room, A had fresh air, B has 0 disturbance of the wind. ?The size of the pie is not fixed, if you are thinking fix sized pie, it will become a battle either win or lose when you start to cut the pie. But if you think the bigger pie, the more options, and interests could be discussed. ?Albert Einstein said we can not solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. ?

3.??????Invent options for mutual gain

Followed by understanding the common interests and interests of others, together to brainstorm the options, physically seat side by side to face a problem written down on the whiteboard.

??????????i.?????Solving problems needs to be done physically together, through the Zoom/MS team, the efficiency of the meeting is at least 50% less.

??????????ii.?????Sit side by side, you are in the same position to tackle the issue in front of both of you. When you do face-to-face, easily become confrontational and emotional when one side raises their voice.

????????? iii.?????When the problem is written down in front of us, both sides can modify and revise it to what he/she wants, in this way, both sides can express their view and agree on the final wording = reach an agreement.

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4.??????Insist on using Objective criteria

Developing objective criteria need to be independent of each side, a standard, market value, scientific judgment, authority, equal treatment, moral standard…

??????????I.???????????Frame each issue as a joint search for the objective criteria

?????????II.???????????Reason and be open to discuss which standard is best and appropriate and how to apply

????????III.???????????Never yield to pressure but yield to principle. ?

Eg. When you are selling your car, how much is the correct value of depreciation? The market value is both your and car dealer’s objective criteria. Similar car condition on the market is the best benchmark for both parties to agree on a price both can accept. ??

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Conflicts and negotiations are natural and necessary, and it require skills, trust and it is an art to learn in your lifetime. I only scratch the surface of the topic here, hope you start to explore and learn to master it, and enjoy the life you want to have! ?