Conflict Management Training Re-Invented Part II

In part I, we described a situation in which a student’s struggles, situation and perception all played a role in the way others treated him. The majority of his situation could have been avoided if both the student and campus officials had been prepared and better trained with a Unified Conflict Management Training System.

In part II, we will discuss four conflict management methods that directly relate to this situation and how, if applied, they could have made the outcome more suitable for all parties involved.

12 Steps

Vistelar has extensive expertise, content, courses, and processes related to the better management of conflict that extend far beyond what can be covered in this article. 

However, we want the information included to have a meaningful impact on your organization, so we have provided actionable tips that you can use immediately. Our goal is to help you begin the process of reducing the physical, organizational, legal, and emotional harm within your organization that can result from poorly managed conflict.

Vistelar’s Non-Escalation/De-Escalation/Crisis Management program consists of 12 methods:  

1. Use empathy to reduce conflict
2. Stay calm in the midst of chaos
3. Acknowledge the struggles of others to prevent conflict
4. Prevent conflict by starting interactions properly
5. Avoid the common listening mistakes
6. Persuade difficult people to cooperate
7. De-escalate verbal assaults
8. Manage crisis situations
9. Recognize the precursors to violence
10. Develop a safety mindset
11. Protect yourself and others from physical harm
12. Enhance your team’s conflict management skills

For the purpose of this article,we will focus on the first four, as they align nicely with the story in Part I. If these four methods were understood and practiced during this situation, there is a high probability that the result would have been completely different.

1. How to use empathy to reduce conflict

Whether you are trying to prevent conflict from occurring or manage it when it happens, there is a core principle of conflict management that serves as the foundation for everything we teach:

Treat people with dignity by showing respect even if you

disagree with them and regardless of the circumstances.

We train our clients and partners to do this, not only because it is the morally right thing to do, but also because it drives safety and produces better results. When people are treated with dignity, they are more likely to cooperate with requests, not get upset, and treat you well in return.

How do you treat people with dignity? 

...By showing respect using these five approaches:

1. See the world through their eyes
2. Listen with all your senses
3. Ask and explain why
4. Offer options, and let them choose
5. Give the opportunity to reconsider

The engine that drives the effectiveness of these approaches is Empathy — an innate or learned skill of considering a person’s perspective in how you show them respect and demonstrate concern.

Practicing Empathy takes effort. Here are the three steps of this critical skill:

1. Gather information — Accurately identify your own and their thoughts and feelings and then prepare yourself for the interaction using the Emotional Equilibrium methods (see How to stay calm in the midst of chaos below)
2. Take their perspective — Imaginatively put yourself in their place (see the world through their eyes - the first approach to showing respect): How would you feel? How would you want to be treated? Perspective taking is empathy creating!
3. Take action to show respect and demonstrate concern

Empathy is often defined by just the second step — taking the other person’s perspective. But, that is only one element of this foundational skill for reducing conflict. You must do the first step well to be effective at the second step, and without the third step, Empathy is an academic exercise rather than a core skill that has a real impact. 

Another way to define Empathy is this modification of the rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you were them and were in the exact same circumstances. In other words, Empathy is seeing the world through the other person’s eyes instead of yours.

2. How to stay calm in the midst of chaos

People who deal with a lot of conflict in their work and personal lives are often not aware that they may actually be instigating conflict by impulsively Reacting to situations rather than Responding thoughtfully and professionally.

In our Non-Escalation/De-Escalation/Crisis Management program, we teach twelve elements of conflict management. Our clients tell us that one of the most impactful is this third element: Respond, Don’t React.

We teach numerous ways to do this, but the starting point is to be aware of your Conflict Triggers. 

Conflict Triggers are your personal hot buttons that can come in the form of spoken words, tone of voice, facial expressions, hand position, posture, and physical positioning. When these triggers are present, they can cause an interaction that might otherwise be considered routine to escalate to Conflict, Crisis, or Combat.

To not be an instigator of conflict, there are two steps:

1. Be aware of your Conflict Triggers
2. Take proactive steps to minimize the impact those Conflict Triggers have on you

We call this second step maintaining your Emotional Equilibrium. 

You have already learned one way to do this — by practicing Empathy. In taking a person’s perspective, consider if the person may be activating your personal triggers inadvertently or as a response to something else going on in their life. When Empathy is deeply practiced, being angry with anyone becomes quite difficult.

Another of the many approaches we teach to maintain your Emotional Equilibrium is to consider that your behavior is likely being witnessed and caught on camera and, as a result, could end up for the world to see. With the omnipresence of cameras and the simplicity of posting videos to social media accounts, our clients and partners tell us that this consideration often stops Reacting in its tracks.

3. How to acknowledge the struggles of others to prevent conflict

When you start an interaction with someone, you don’t know their mental or emotional state or their conflict triggers. They could have mental health disorders, be under the influence of drugs or alcohol, be cognitively or emotionally overwhelmed by events in their life, or be negatively impacted by past trauma. 

With any of these possibilities, the person might not typically respond to your actions, and the situation could deteriorate rapidly. 

Therefore, until you learn otherwise, you should interact with others with the assumption that they may have mental, psychological, or emotional issues. We call this being Trauma Responsive, which includes:

1. Starting every interaction with the Universal Greeting
2. Applying the Vistelar Crisis Management methods
3. Not blaming, shaming, or shouting
4. Not touching without permission (unless required due to an emergency situation)

Bottom line — you should start all interactions with a realization that the other person may be struggling in some way that would prevent them from behaving typically.

4. How to prevent conflict by starting interactions properly

When you first interact with someone, four questions almost always pop into their head:

1. Who are you?
2. Where do you get your authority?
3. What do you want?
4. Why should I care?

Consider the reaction of Max when he first encountered the parking enforcement officer in the beginning of the scenario. 

Would the above four questions pop into your head?

Just like with Reacting versus Responding and having a lack of Trauma Responsiveness, starting an interaction improperly can instigate conflict. 

What if, instead of saying nothing and reacting, the parking enforcement officer had started the interaction like this: 

“Good Morning. My name is Mary Smith and I’m a parking enforcement official here at the University. The reason I’m talking with you is because I noticed your vehicle was parked in a handicap space. Do you have any explanation as to why you were parked in this space?”

We call this conflict management method the Universal Greeting and it is the sixth of the twelve conflict management elements we teach. The Universal Greeting has four steps:

1. Appropriate greeting
2. Name and affiliation
3. Reason for contact
4. Relevant question

Review the second example above and see how all four of these steps were included.

The Universal Greeting establishes rapport (step 1), explains who you are and identifies your source of authority (step 2), explains what you want and why they should care (step 3), and then encourages the other person to talk (step 4).

In other words, it answers the four questions that almost always pop into people’s heads when interacting with someone new. If you don’t immediately answer these questions, the other person will often:

• Feel inhibited from communicating with you
• Fill in the blanks with incorrect answers
• Feel disrespected

Of equal importance, with the Relevant Question, the Universal Greeting quickly gets the interaction to a point where you can listen with all of your senses (the second approach to showing respect). 

As simple as this method is, we often hear from our clients that, when implemented universally, it has a dramatic effect on preventing conflict.

This simple, but effective first encounter could have drastically changed the behavior of Max for the rest of the day. Instead, it snowballed into more conflict and anger as the day continued - ultimately resulting in Max’s arrest!

By better understanding and employing empathy, and by learning how to treat people with dignity by showing respect, you invite others to join you in creating respectful and safer environments of care that will result in a better community for all.

If you and your campus are interested in learning more about how you can create an environment of care with Vistelar, please contact us directly, at [email protected] or 414.507.6762.

Co-Author of Part II - Allen Oelschlaeger